Abit of background....
My nan is like my mum as my biological mum left me when I was 8 months old. my nan has helped me grow up along with my dad. She saw me through school, first loves, finding my love, getting engaged, married, starting new jobs, re-doing uni and pregnant. She got ill at the end of July last year and we thought we was going to lose her then to sepsis. she got transferred to a different hospital and was on a special unit for blood conditions and cancers so we knew something was up. Early August she was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid leukaemia .... we didnt even know when she had chronic myeloid leukaemia!! She was given the ultimatum, go on chemo and live a few more months to a year, go unmedicated and have comfort care, potentially live weeks. All she said is she wants to see her babies, meaning her great grandchildren be born. At the time i was in my second trimester and it was such an emotionally and mentally challenging time for me, my cousin however was due to pop any time. My nan chose to go for the chemo option and managed to see her two new great grandchildren (mine and my cousins). Despite cancer being a B****, she went through it all for us.
At the beginning of Easter she got ill again and was told she could try for chemo but her body is weak and it could kill her in the process, or comfort care and potentially have days or weeks. We had a family meeting to try to prepare us for the worst but it was so difficult. a week later, she passed away at home early hours of the morning. devastated...
I know I cant change time and my choices, but if i could i wish when i got the message at 6am that i just got dressed and got a taxi down to her. she wasnt alone but i couldve been there. instead i left at 8am got on the bus.. 8 minutes later i recieved the message she had passed.... All i wanted to do was scream and shout at the damn bus driver to go faster, ignore all the passengers wanting to go on and just take me where i need to go.
I finally got to see her, she seemed peaceful but a piece of me is gone and i am hurting even though i am staying as strong as i can for my family. I felt so frustrated on the day she passed.... no one seemed to ask how i am doing or looked my way (it felt like). everyone kept asking for me to check if my dad was ok and to go console him..... when in reality.... that was the last thing i wanted to do. .....in my head hes a grown man....i just wanted to go to an isolated place to scream, cry and just emotionally curse.
i still dont know how to process it all, i dont think ive given myself time
do i go to church.... do i get bereavement support.... do i need to just cry..... i dont know anymore
im lost......
my gorgeous nan is gone and theres nothing i can do
Hi Jasmine
I am really sorry to hear that you have lost your Nan. She sounds like she was a lovely lady and that you had a really special and close relationship with her. I am sorry that she became so unwell and I hope that you can take some comfort from the fact that her chemo enabled her to meet her Greatgrandchildren.
Even with family around you and trying to prepare for her passing, it can still feel a bit of a shock and sometimes things can feel as if they happen really quickly. I know in my own family we did actually start grieving in a way before it actually happened.
When someone passes away it can be normal to think of the what if's and what would have happened if we had done things differently. You may not have made it in time for her final moments but you were there for all the other times. I am glad that she looked peaceful when you had time to say your good byes. Please do not blame yourself- you have been through something really difficult and you have also got a young child- you were on your way to see her.
In our family we all felt a big range of emotions- and it could be very up and down. Sometimes it could feel like anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes devastation. In the early days for me, I just felt numbness. Grief in my experience is not a one off thing that happens- its more like a journey with many ups and downs and it can help to just go with the flow with your emotions.
It must have felt hard that people did not ask you how you were. It can be hard to help others when you yourself are grieving and I understand why it felt difficult to console your Dad when you yourself were so upset.
You say you don't know how to process it- it does take time and it is still early days. Talking can help. Either to the people around you or sometimes to someone more neutral. I know sometimes for me it was harder to talk to those closest to me as I did not want to upset them. Keeping up normal routines in the first couple of months did help- with a little one to care for- the feeding and sleeping routines need to carry on. For yourself trying to get up and go to bed at normal times, eating regularly etc can feel basic but it does help. Many people find going for walks can help- particularly in nature/in the fresh air. Maybe you could take your little one for a wander.
I found Home - Cruse Bereavement Support helpful and they have lots of resources which helped explain a little bit how you may feel in the coming weeks. They also have a helpline.
You are also very welcome to give the Macmillan Support Line a call if it would help to talk things through.
But only when you are ready. Do not feel at this time you need to do anything. Some people do find church helpful. Others do go on to want some bereavement counselling. Some people find writing things down can help.
Sometimes a good cry can help. It is normal for things to feel overwhelming, a bit out of control and to feel helpless.
I do understand that it feels like you are lost at the moment.
We are here whenever you need us.
Take care
Jane
