Abit of background....
My nan is like my mum as my biological mum left me when I was 8 months old. my nan has helped me grow up along with my dad. She saw me through school, first loves, finding my love, getting engaged, married, starting new jobs, re-doing uni and pregnant. She got ill at the end of July last year and we thought we was going to lose her then to sepsis. she got transferred to a different hospital and was on a special unit for blood conditions and cancers so we knew something was up. Early August she was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid leukaemia .... we didnt even know when she had chronic myeloid leukaemia!! She was given the ultimatum, go on chemo and live a few more months to a year, go unmedicated and have comfort care, potentially live weeks. All she said is she wants to see her babies, meaning her great grandchildren be born. At the time i was in my second trimester and it was such an emotionally and mentally challenging time for me, my cousin however was due to pop any time. My nan chose to go for the chemo option and managed to see her two new great grandchildren (mine and my cousins). Despite cancer being a B****, she went through it all for us.
At the beginning of Easter she got ill again and was told she could try for chemo but her body is weak and it could kill her in the process, or comfort care and potentially have days or weeks. We had a family meeting to try to prepare us for the worst but it was so difficult. a week later, she passed away at home early hours of the morning. devastated...
I know I cant change time and my choices, but if i could i wish when i got the message at 6am that i just got dressed and got a taxi down to her. she wasnt alone but i couldve been there. instead i left at 8am got on the bus.. 8 minutes later i recieved the message she had passed.... All i wanted to do was scream and shout at the damn bus driver to go faster, ignore all the passengers wanting to go on and just take me where i need to go.
I finally got to see her, she seemed peaceful but a piece of me is gone and i am hurting even though i am staying as strong as i can for my family. I felt so frustrated on the day she passed.... no one seemed to ask how i am doing or looked my way (it felt like). everyone kept asking for me to check if my dad was ok and to go console him..... when in reality.... that was the last thing i wanted to do. .....in my head hes a grown man....i just wanted to go to an isolated place to scream, cry and just emotionally curse.
i still dont know how to process it all, i dont think ive given myself time
do i go to church.... do i get bereavement support.... do i need to just cry..... i dont know anymore
im lost......
my gorgeous nan is gone and theres nothing i can do
