Where to start? It should be easier to put into words what we feel….but somehow it’s not.
my mum had been unwell for a couple of years…no energy. When she came to stay with me ( I live 1.5hrs away from her) she spent most of the time in bed. Early last year, if not before, her voice reduced to a whisper occasionally. As this was similar to how my husbands lungs cancer initially showed itself, I told mum to go to the drs to get it checked. She didn’t. Despite the nudges every so often.
Christmas 2025…..my son noticed blood in toilet. Could only have come from my mum as just me, my son and mum in the bungalow. My husband having got the all clear from is lung cancer 2 weeks to the day before he died suddenly from heart failure. As mum had had bladder cancer before I suspected it had returned. Christmas Day, mums cough (she has COPD) changed to a not pleasant sounding hollow cough. (Just for clarification I was a nurse for 30 yrs + experience, specialising in A & E but with several years ward experience).
We ended up in hospital New Years Eve with low BP but they referred her to Urology, ignoring my concerns re her cough and low BP. We got home at 0630 New Years Day. When mum got up later she voice had disappeared down to a whisper. It’s never come back. Urology were excellent, seen within days and diagnosed with bladder Ca. They sent her for a CT chest (thank you!).
Result….stage 4 lung cancer. 2 different cancers not metastasises from bladder or vice versa. Cannot fault the hospital and the speed of everything from start to end diagnosis. Mum didn’t want chemo or any treatment. I respect her choice.
My brother and I went to all her consultations and found out that she has been a smoker since she was 15. We are both non smokers….obviously put off by being surrounded by it!!! lol Her choice and there’s nothing to be gained from being hung up on that info really so we’ve had to try to let it go.
Mum was 83 in may. She is losing weight, in bed most of the time, has a lump on her neck which is growing daily (now waiting for it to gradually leak), pain is increasing, not eating, not drinking much, loses her rag when we try to get her to at least have a drink or an Ensure drink….good job she can’t shout at us anymore! We have to see the humour in all of this or it would overwhelm us!
My brother is her main carer as he lives with her. I go over every week and when I’m needed in between. Why I’m writing this?….im not really sure but it’s a release I think. I’ve just got back from mums and can see her deterioration weekly. They have support from local hospice and community team and I go to local support group once a month.
Not liking this deterioration…it’s my mum. How do I process that I’m going to lose her relatively soon? I have 2 adult children who are close to their nan. My brother has lived with her since at least 1986. Jeez. I can’t comprehend life without my mum. I will be ok but it’s hard to imagine it.
Hi Tabs45 and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.
I’m Anne, one of the Community Champions here on the Online Community, and I'm sorry to read what a tough time you're going through right now.
The online community is divided into different support groups so I'm going to recommend that you join and post in the supporting someone with incurable cancer group as you'll then connect directly with others carers, friends and families of people with a terminal diagnosis.
To join, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
((hugs))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
