Missing mum

Jiji239e95fd, I am sorry to hear about your loss which sounds really tough especially given there was hope with a stem cell transplant while your mum was apparently cancer-free.

It must be very hard indeed to stay afloat under such circumstances and if you read some of the posts from people who write on groups on this forum you will see that many of us have struggled significantly in our different ways with the loss of a loved one.

I have managed my grief by having a good amount of structured time in my week - I continued working and went to adult education classes a couple of times a week and spent time with friends once every fortnight and this meant I was sad at times but not all of the time.

I have always been able to compartmentalise things so this level of activity suited me well but I know other bereaved friends would not have found this to be helpful.  Even so, I often had to force myself to leave the house to do my classes or see friends and acquaintances.  It would have been so much easier to just stay at home.

Some people who I thought would be there for me couldn't (which was and continues to be sad) and others who I knew less well stepped forward.  I am really grateful to those who extended help and support and I tend to accept the help that is offered even when I don't know someone well.  It is comforting to know that there are good people around.

Nevertheless, it is a privilege to be a part of someone's final journey, one of the hardest of journeys and I am sure your mum valued your presence.  I would encourage you to try and keep your mum close to you by doing the things she would have liked and to find some comfort in them.  I make nice meals and dedicate them to my partner and appreciate how much he would have enjoyed them even though he is not here to share them.

Warmest wishes, Christine

I’ve just signed up to this forum and come across your post. 
my mums currently dying, she’s just turned 66 and I’m turning 35 this year, it’s absolutely heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you’re already in the grieving process after loosing your mum already. I don’t know how I’m going to survive it, I’m struggling so much already and she’s still with us. 
life’s so unfair at times x

I'm so sorry about your mum, Jiji239e95fd. It's also been a while for me since I have been on here since my Mum died of cancer last year. How especially tragic for you all that you were told she was cancer-free and she was gone so, so quick, before you could all come to terms with it, it must have been such a terrible shock. And I can imagine it was so hard for you turning 30 without her, it must have felt very bittersweet.

I actually find being on forums like these help me a lot, I find grief is so horribly lonely and when I am out with friends or seeing other people, I don't want to dwell on her death and how I'm managing, it just all gets too much for me. I do like to talk about her though like I always used too, especially as I have so many funny stories and anecdotes about her and it's nice to share! 

Like someone else mentioned, I muddle through by keeping busy - although in my case, I didn't have much choice, I was pregnant when my Mum passed away and I just had to crack on with becoming a mum myself and taking care of a lovely little baby who brought me a lot of joy and that also came with meeting other people, mums mostly, and going to classes which really kept me going.

However, since I got back to work, I have been finding things harder. I think I was very likely just numb for a lot of last year and I'm still so tired, it may just be me but the grief just makes me exhausted physically. I'm dwelling a lot again on my mum's final days and the fact I'll never see her again but, if it helps, I've also had some happy moments and easier moments since she has passed away which I honestly never thought would happen. It's not the same, there are some things I can't face like getting rid of her clothes and I can't celebrate my birthday anymore, but I've also been feeling joy and enjoyment of life again, just with the knowledge she's not there and that weighs on me a lot. But how can it not?

I hope you find some way forward, maybe therapy or speaking with your GP would help? Or you could find a hobby to pick up, one maybe your mum liked to do to feel more connected to her, or something completely different? I hope you have been doing better since you posted.