Hi there, first time on here really. I lost my husband just 10 days ago and it’s like “what the hell just happened”.
It all started on the 22nd January, normal working day. That evening during the adverts of Emmerdale whilst taking a cup of tea to my mum his mouth felt funny. He got to the kitchen and was having some sort of stroke/seizure at the same time. I rushed to call an ambulance, over an hour it took to come. We then sat for over 12 hrs next to each other in 2 hard chairs and waited. After a CT scan and an MRI we are told they have found a swelling on his brain. We were then told 2 tumours on his brain. Then lung cancer, Adrenal glands, chest lymph nodes and 3 tumours in the brain. Sent home with medication on the 23rd Jan. on the 12th Feb after more tests at the consultation we are told it’s not curable but it’s treatable with targeted treatment and immunotherapy. We go to Southampton for him to have his mask fitted ready for targeted treatment the following week but after an MRI we are told they have found Leptomeningeal disease aswell as at least 6 tumours plus a confirmed DVT. That stopped everything in its tracks. A few months at best without treatment. He never made treatment because he became to poorly, back and forth deciding who was going to treat first and what part he didn’t make it.
He was 59 yrs old so young, to young. We got married in hospital on the 16th March and it was as special as it could have been, sad but it ment everything to me him knowing that even in our darkest moments I was fully committed to him and always will be. I lost him exactly 2 weeks later at home just the 2 of us exactly how we chose it. He was so brave, he brought little tokens for our children and grandchildren. He chose the songs and hymn for his service and did the things he needed to do. Not many people get that chance or are even strong enough to face it. I am so very proud of his courage and love he showed to us all in his final weeks. He was and always will be my Human. We just fitted together from the moment we met.
I honestly do not know how I am sat here writing this. This dark ugly thing showed itself and went off like a bomb. I don’t know how I am feeling. I think I am running on auto pilot. Last week I arranged his funeral, yesterday I registered him and today I saw him. Is this real or am I in a nightmare I can’t wake from.I just cannot process any of it right now and to be honest I don’t even know where to begin or of if I ever will. All I know is that I have never felt pain like it. 67 days of pure devastation. Time after time bad news and also delivered over the phone not with the proper support around us. Hard doesn’t even come close. Trying to keep busy, nice weather do a run to the tip. 2nd run and it hits me “I’m actually alone, truly alone”.
I am grateful to have had the 18 yrs we had together but I feel cheated out of the rest of it. How can someone fit and healthy, working hard with no signs at all have all that going on without knowing. Why couldn’t it have shown itself at lung cancer and at least of given him a chance.
I Love you my darling and miss you so so much 
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