Hi all,
I’m new here.
My dad died at Christmas. He was 73, I’m 41 with young kids and it feels like the bottom has fallen out my world.
I am hoping to access some counselling soon. I think in particular I’m struggling with the trauma of his final few days / weeks / months. There’s also the shock of it (although he was ill), the fact I feel like let down by the doctors, the anger at him missing out on seeing my kids growing up…the list is endless.
However, this post isn’t about him.
A few weeks ago I found out by chance that an old boyfriend of mine died. We went out, briefly, 20 years ago and I don’t think about him much. I don’t know how he died, but I know it was a “long illness” which is very sad.
I didn’t know his family, and we have no mutual friends, so nobody to speak to or share commiserations with.
Anyway, I’ve basically become consumed by thoughts of him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m happily married but keep thinking “what if?”
I was 21 when we went out and I met my now husband at 22. So I don’t know if I am somehow mourning “my youth”? Or, if my brain has latched onto this as a way to distract from thinking about my dad 24/7?
I was thinking about my dad 24/7. And now I’m not.
And I’m wondering if this is my brain trying to protect itself, by giving it a break from the thoughts of my dad?
I also worry about it being a delaying tactic, and one day I’m going to stop thinking about this ex boyfriend and thoughts of my dad will come whooshing back and completely overwhelm me.
I was off work for two months when dad died. I’m 5 months down the line now, back at work, and doing ok (more or less. Although life will never be the same).
I am out walking a lot which was a time I would always call my dad, or pop into see him. After he died, this was the hardest time for me and the thoughts and the grief was just overwhelming (I’m not a fan of listening to podcasts or music or anything.)
Now though, the thoughts are of the ex boyfriend. And whilst it’s sad, it’s obviously not on the same scale as my dad, so I’m not crying constantly.
There is also an aspect of limerence to it, and wondering how my life would have panned out if I had married him, which is confusing, and also, totally pointless.
Just wondering if anybody has experienced anything like this?
My gut feeling is that it’s something my brain is doing to protect itself, as it’s been 5 months of thinking of my dad 24/7, but I don’t know if it’s harmless or something I need to worry about? (I.e. covering up by grief instead of worming through it).
Any thoughts much appreciated,
Kx
Hello Dogwalker83
My name is Steph and I’m part of the Community team here at Macmillan. May I wish you another warm welcome to the Community, I hope you will find it to be a safe place of comfort and support.
I was so sorry to read that your dad died and that when you were still struggling with trauma and loss, you found out that your ex-boyfriend died. No matter how long ago you knew someone, it's natural to think about them and wonder about what might have been. Please do keep posting about how you are feeling, you're not alone and members are here to support you.
Bereavement can be a truly traumatic time and it’s positive that you are reaching out for support. You might want to look into cumulative grief, sometimes known as compounded or complicated grief to help understand your feelings. It's important to allow yourself time to grieve and recognise that your feelings are valid. Please do be kind to yourself and seek professional help to help you through this.
We also have some written information here around coping with bereavement, in case you find it helpful. I would highlight this part about things that may help when you are grieving.
If you’d like to talk anything through with an expert at Macmillan, I’d encourage you to contact the Support Line. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
In addition to offering a listening ear, we may refer you to other bereavement services, such as Cruse Bereavement Support, a charity dedicated to helping help people through one of the most painful times in life. You can contact Cruse directly on 0808 808 1677.
I’d also recommend you take a look at the website Ataloss.org. They can help you find the right bereavement support for you, from national organisation helplines to small local groups who might meet face to face.
Your GP can also help you to access the right support. If you feel you may need more immediate help, you can contact the following services at any time to make an emergency appointment and get advice:
Please do let us know if you have any questions, if you’d like some help using the Community or further support with anything at all. I hope that the Community helps you feel less alone and shows you that there’s a lot of support available for you.
Kindest Regards,
