During the early hours of today April 13th, my dad finally lost his fight with bowel and liver cancer. But I’m not upset it’s like I’m literally not bothered by it. I’m close to me dad don’t get me wrong but other than getting upset when the news broke I’m carrying on like nothing has happened why? I didn’t want to be with the rest of the family going up to see him, partly because I want to remember him when he was alive and not a corpse.
Why aren’t I upset is it because I accepted his fate when he got the prognosis? He was diagnosed in I think October 2021 and got the prognosis in January 2022 that confirmed it was terminal. I know we were lucky we got a whole year with him that we shouldn’t have got. The doctors said 4 weeks without chemo and 2 months at most with chemo, somehow he defied the odds to live this long.
Does me not getting upset make me just plain evil and cold? Why aren’t I upset like the rest of the family?
Am I a bad person not wanting to go and spend time with the family and with dad? Only I don’t want family thinking I’m disgusting, because I want my last memory of him was when he woke up briefly to see us by his bedside before going back to sleep.
Could it just be because I’m in shock still?
