Not coping with lingering death

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I don’t know where to start, or how I feel. I am numb and on autopilot.

My dad’s been on MacMillan ward for 9 weeks now, with a slow steady decline. He has CUP and I am watching and waiting while his kidneys fail.

mum died last year 5 months after lung cancer diagnosis and 2 months later dad was diagnosed. I live 5 minutes down the road from their house and helped nurse mum and then have spent any free time when not working and with the kids with my dad. Since he’s been in hospital I have visited almost every day.

i got signed off 2 weeks ago when the drs didn’t think dad had much time left, and I’ve just been signed off for another 2.

dads pain meds and kidney toxicity means he’s not really here, he’s hallucinating and dreaming. In the few minutes of lucidity he cries as he just wants everything to be over.

i feel like I’ve been holding it together for everyone for 2 years and I’m so tired. I am finding it harder and harder to go in and see him, upset, in pain and slowly dying and no way to help him.

if anyone can offer advice on how to get through this, how not to crumple in front of my kids (who are starting bereavement counselling). I just want to get in to my bed and hide under the covers until it’s all over.

Essex1 over 2 years ago

I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are currently doing through. I lost my Dad in Feb to Lung Cancer and it was brutal to watch and still painful to remember what he went through. I don’t really have any advice for you but just wanted to praise you. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been, I know how hard it’s been for me losing my Dad but for you to lose your Mum and now go through this with your Dad, you are immensely strong.

I suppose all you can do is take day by day but be kind to yourself, talk to someone close to you and tell them how you feel or even possibly your GP. This forum is open 24/7 and if you need to vent, just talk, do that as we all have lost someone we love.

ArtfulThinking over 2 years ago in reply to Essex1

Thank you. I don’t feel brave at all. I’m sorry for your loss too. It’s awful losing either parent, but there’s an element of seeing your strong and protective dad fade away so slowly.

I spoke to my GP 6 weeks ago and there’s not much they can do. Bereavement counselling charities have long waits. I’m single and don’t want to put too much on my kids… so looks like this forum is my only option.

Essex1 over 2 years ago in reply to ArtfulThinking

It is awful seeing a loved one fade away, the light went out with my Dad in July 2021 and he was never himself again and then we watched him deteriorate over 6 weeks in January and was with him for 3 nights in the hospital, holding his hand when he passed. It was brutal and so painful to watch.

You can call MacMillan too, hopefully someone else will give you some input also.

Be kind to yourself and sending you lots of hugs xx

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Not coping with lingering death