Lost

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Hi there, 

I have never written on a forum before, but felt I needed to do something.

I lost my Dad at the end of June after discovering he had stage 4 lung cancer and a brain tumour only 3 months earlier, at the end of March, completely out of the blue. He was only 67. 

The last three months of my Dad’s life were a complete rollercoaster of emotions. My Dad bravely opted to have brain surgery to attempt to remove the tumour (they did, but it started growing back in 5 days), he completed radiotherapy, but unfortunately didn’t live long enough to start the chemo he so desperately wanted. 

i have lost other family members to cancer and felt that although life was frantic with appointments, telephone calls to various health professionals, staying with and supporting my Dad, I knew when this stopped, it would be bittersweet as the end would be near. In my head, I thought my Dad would get to the point where he’d be dosed up on morphine and he’d pass away with all our family around him as he wanted. Unfortunately, my Dad passed away suddenly without any of us with him, just two care workers. 

In the week that followed, the reality wouldn’t sink in. Then, I realised I was intentionally not dealing with it because I was scared of what the loss would feel like. After the funeral, I started to let my emotions go. I started back at work for the two remaining weeks of term and was so busy, I was distracted and genuinely felt ok when people asked. However, over the last 5 days I have felt completely lost. And it’s this feeling of being lost that has driven me to write on here tonight. I can function on a daily basis and get on with the day-to-day routine, but once the children are in bed, the lost feeling kicks in. 

I find going to sleep very difficult and once I’m asleep, I’m dreaming about my Dad most nights. Ridiculously, I’m scared of the dark and are petrified of dying, so if/when I wake in the night, the panic following the dreams and lack of control over dying and not having my Dad here is awful. 

I just don’t know how to process the concept of life anymore. I just feel so acutely aware that life is so short and that I should make changes to reduce stress and enjoy life to the maximum, but I don’t know what to change/do to ensure this. Sometimes, I just want the world to pause for a while to give me chance to process things and just think. I feel I have lost a degree of interest in doing things too, again just going through the motions or opting to just be with my immediate family at home or close by. 

I suppose by posting on here, I’m just hoping for some advice and maybe that other people feel/have felt the same. 

Thank you for reading. 

  • Hi,

    Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad to SCLC in February, I’m only 39, married with 3 children, my eldest being 12 and 13 and the youngest only 9 months. My eldest 2 were so close to my Dad, he had just turned 68 when he died. He was diagnosed in June 2021 and went into hospital with what was thought a chest infection on his 68th birthday, and passed away 3 days later, we were with him.

    He really suffered and it was agonising watching him slip away very slowly, he mentally didn’t process it well (as expected) but the last 6 weeks of his life, he really deteriorated and it wasn’t nice for him. We are 6 months in now, it hurts, I cry, the absence is a constant ache, I miss him more than anything and do not understand why? I want him back. We have been going on family holidays with my Mum and Dad since I was a teenager, I can’t believe that won’t happen, I can’t believe so many things.

    I don’t really have much advice to give, but try to let yourself experience the emotions, if you need to cry let it out, if you need to talk, talk, even if you come on here, we all know how you are feeling, you are not alone in any way. 

  • Hi even though you feel alone you are not .I lost my beautiful mum in April. She had stage 4 lung cancer to . She lasted 6 months after diagnosis. I luckily got them a bungalow near me .so I could take care of mum and my dad as he is a full time wheel chair user .4 days after they moved I had to move in .mum got edmina in her legs .she was in a wheel chair .I became a carer for both my parents .but her spirit was amazing she was still eating .wouldn't sleep in hospital bed . All the sighns pepole said look out for didn't happen .she lasted 11 days in her new dream home . I was lucky enough to be their with her .even doc said she had another week left .but she passed that same night .12 April. . Sill don't think I have came to terms with yet .as not had time I am a full time carer for my dad .I work and my daughter had  disabilities to  . But that's how I cope buy not stopping and when I do .like at night .I cant sleep .every day brings a new emotion and u find a new way to cope xx