My husband passed away in January and we’ve had to wait about a month for his funeral which is this week.
I had everything sorted the way he wanted it and I was happy & content but now his siblings have expressed their annoyance at not being involved. I don’t feel like I’ve slept since Monday. I’m completely stressed and actually wish I could cancel the whole thing.
Here’s the situation, any advice would be greatly received.
My husband & I have 2 young children (7 & 10yrs) and he has 2 older children from a previous marriage who are both adults. He wanted everything to be simple & understated. I had arranged for his 2 older children to come to our house and come in funeral car with myself & younger children. Their partners are going to follow behind in their own car. The hearse is meeting us at at the crematorium because it is a 25/30min journey from ours and I feel travelling behind the hearse for that long is too much for the children. I remember being behind my grans coffin and the image is still there. I think the day will be hard enough for the children.
i asked his siblings to meet us at the crematorium firstly because he said there’s no point spending £250 on a car when people have their own, secondly because he wanted things to be simple & finally because I feel with another 5 family members at the house it will be too overwhelming especially for the children. Also his brother & him fell out & hadn’t really spoken for about 8/9yrs. The brother sent 1 message to me but hasn’t been out to visit at all so I also don’t want that awkwardness before.
His siblings have also decided they want flowers at the service. My husband didn’t see the point in flowers & he personally didn’t like the idea of a coffin being surrounded by flowers. The siblings didn’t ask if they could send flowers but are now not happy that I’ve said they won’t be on the coffin or in the hearse but will be placed by the funeral director in the crematorium The other awkward part is that his best mate (who happens to be his ex-brother in law to his sister) asked if he could send a wreath. His mate lives abroad and is not able to attend the service due to covid restrictions in his country. His siblings aren’t happy that I’ve allowed. His sisters organised everything for their mums funeral & my husband just went along with what they chose but he did say ‘don’t let them do that at my funeral’. I wish they would respect his wishes & what I want without me having to tell them things he said as I know that’ll upset them.
The way they speak you’d think they had spent lots of time with us over the years but in reality we barely saw them once a year ( which suited us) but then they decided they wanted to see him when we found out he was ill. They never bothered sending birthday cards to our children & forgot his older sons 21st. The twice they were going to help us out in the last year they let us down. We have seen them a bit more since their mum passed away in September
I don’t know about who should walk into the funeral as family. I had thought it was ok just to be me & his 4 children but is this the right thing to do??? Would it be ok to say his siblings & their families enter after others but before us?
also having stress over the opening words. Again it was just going say loved by then name myself & his 4 children then encompass the rest of his family in a ‘close & extended family’ phrase. The other awkward thing is my step daughter has 2 children. They aren’t going to attend the funeral & my husband never wanted to be called ‘grandad’, he didn’t have a relationship with them as his relationship with his daughter was also a little difficult. When we sent birthday cards to her children he always just wrote his name. Our 2 younger children haven’t realised that he was a ‘grandad’ because he didn’t want them to know and I don’t feel now is the time for them to find out. So I feel if I start listing more people & names in the opening words then it shows up to his daughter that the word ‘grandad’ and her childrens names are missing. She hasn’t asked for them to be included but I don’t want to draw attention to it.
sorry for rambling & ranting. I’ve spoken to friends & other family who keep telling me I should do what feels right for me & my family but what he wanted & what’s right for us is now upsetting other people which I also don’t want. I have said I’ll meet his sisters to explain what’s going on over the weekend.
should they have been more involved in the planning? Have is disrespected them by leaving them out? I’ve been tossing & turning all night worrying about it.
Any advice????
People will always see things differently and I can read that you are very much trying to adhere to your Husbands wishes of not having too much fuss, or flowers etc, but for me, I think it is important to understand that those left behind are the ones dealing with the day, so sometimes we have to do what is right for that day.
His siblings will always be his siblings regardless of how much time they spent together as adults, they had a whole heap of years growing and learning and fighting before adulthood took them there seperate ways. How that now fits in with the funeral service is really for you to decide. Tough, I know, but they loved him too and they are showing you this by being a bit overdemanding at this time.
As for the words, I don't think that is ever easy, I remember some of the words said at my Dad's funeral, this was mainly arranged by my step-family, and how upset I was about some things that were portrayed. I was very close with my Dad, and things could have been done differently, so as has been said before, you will never please everyone....
Take a short moment to breathe and decide, are you happy with what is arranged? Other people paying for flowers is not the same as you spending money that your husband would want you to spend on you and your children and not on flowers... it is just not the same,
This is the last thing you all can do for this man (your husband) who was clearly loved by so many... but you also have to do what is best for you at this time.
I do hope that everything goes as best as it can do on the day.
Lowe'
