Went to see mum today

Hi everyone today was one of the hardest days i went to see my mum at the funeral home she looked so peaceful and happy as she is no longer in pain but im struggling to get threw tonite i finally goto say to my mum what i wanted to say for years but why am i struggling with my greif im so exhausted im not sleeping properly angry all the time slightest little thing and im angry i feel angry at e world and i dnt no why i thought id be able to sleep tonight but i cant i took some pics of mum but all i wanted to do was lay beside her wrap her in a blanket i was so scared to even hold her hanbut i did then sat and read some of the bible and showed her pics of my kids an my partner but now ive got the funeral nxt week and i feel like im struggling to even look st my funeral clothes let ane try them on i just dnt understand why she got took and so many other good pll who have suffered or is suffering with cancer why cant ppl who hurt ppl get it my partner is at a lost with me i justnt want him here or see anyone first time i went out today for a few days and i didnt like it felt so uncomfortable and felt like everyone was staring at me new id been crying my eyes hurt from cryi my heads constantly hurting just wish i had 1 day with my mum sorry its really long i just had to get it out feel guilty about my partner pushing him away but one thing she looked beautiful in her ess and her coffin is beautiful and im ordering a necklace of ebay so i can put some of mums ashes in b4 her ashes get scatterd with my grandads and uncle alans