I've just recently lost my mum to cancer. It started off as breast cancer which we thought was treated, a year later we found it had spread to the lungs, liver, spleen and brain. She lived out her last week in a hospice and I was with her the whole time. I don't think it has sunk it. She was everything to me, my best friend we done everything together. I have to be strong for my dad and brother but can feel myself cracking. I don't know how I can live my life without her. I am really struggling. I don't know anyone who has lost their mum at 20 years old. I guess writing on here I am hoping to find someone else who had also lost their mum at a young age and can give me some advice on how they coped.
Thankyou.
Hi X0X
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I lost my mum when I was 22 and she was only 60 and there wasn't the support available then as now it was just a case of get on with it.
You can takje great comfort from being with your mum the whole of the last week. This would also have given her great comfort and made her passing more peaceful. Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Talk to her as much as you want, let her know how you are feeling and ask her for support. She will do her best to send you a sign that she is there and helping you. This could be finding a white feather in an unexpected place, radios or tv re tuning to her favourite show or finding something in a draw you haven't seen for years. You have to open yourself to accept these signs and thank her for them.
Visit one of your mums favourite places on your own (local park) and talk to her there. If she is able to send a sign she will - a breath of wind on a still day or a bird coming very close. You have to be strong for your dad and brother but you also have to have your own time to grieve on your own. Tell them you need this time and space occasionally and they will understand. The memories and pain will always be there but over time you will learn to recognise triggers and how to deal with your emotions - remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so you need to let your own mind guide you through this process.
You could all sit together as a family and create a memory book of your mum. This will help ease any tensions between you and help to express your emotions - it is easier to write it down than say it. Include stories from your childhood, your brothers childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your mums friends / work colleagues and lots of photos.
Do you have a true best friend who you can talk to whenever you want? A true friend will listen and offer support which may be words or just a silent hug. Sometimes a non family member is easier to talk to so maybe you could try by starting slowly and see if they offer you the understanding and support.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
