Hi All,
I've been posting in the stomach cancer forum for the past 11 months throughout my Dads journey. 2 weeks ago my Dad lost his fight with upper gastric cancer. I still feel numb, even though the cancer and chemo took everything out of my Dad, his presence and words, were still reassuring and comforting. That little bit of hope always remained. Dad was diagnosed when he was 68, but a very young and healthy 68 year old. Still trying to exercise even the week before he passed away. He had so much drive and determination but also so much kindness and love. He loved each one of us and gave so much of himself to everyone he knew.
The funeral was last Friday and Dad had a good send off, the church was full with friends, family, ex-colleagues and even though I am not religious in any way I knew it's what Dad wanted and that made me happy. Seeing the coffin there with my Dad inside did hit me hard, it wasn't an open casket but just knowing that it was him in there. I had to hold onto the thought that Dad was no longer suffering, that he may be somewhere playing his guitar and entertaining other lost family and friends. My whole life i have been a true believer of when you die that's it, you're dust, nothing remains or journey's on. There has been a lot of existential pondering and dreaming going on during the last 11 months. I truly hope that something remains beyond this life as Dad had so much more life to live.
I have grieved since Dads diagnosis. Anticipatory grief, but when that moment comes, when you are there holding your loved ones hand when they take their final breath. That true feeling of loss hits you, it's overwhelming, like a ten tonne truck to the face. I've never felt that before and I never want to feel it again. Every morning I wake up i think about Dad, i talk to him, mutter sometimes, hoping that i'll get some mystical sign that he is ok, that he exists somewhere. Just to know that he is happy and keeping tabs on us and that he'll be there waiting for us when our time comes.
I know Dads passing is going to take a long time to get used to. The grief will continue to have its hold on me for a long time. I have never known life without my Dad, how strange and sad it feels. He asked that we carry on and be happy. I told him that it would be very hard to be happy when he's not around but we will try our best for him, that I would look after Mum and do my best to make him proud as a son and a brother.
The days will pass, the months will slip by, the years will follow, but I will always remember and love you Dad. You are a true hero in this world of charlatans. You gave your all to all of us.
Hi Dios,
It's so hard, isn't it? My Mum lost her fight 3 weeks ago. No matter how much you get yourself ready - I also went through anticipatory grief - nothing can truly prepare you when the time comes and you see the person you love fade away. I feel like I am just making it through each day, trying to carry on as best I can with my normal routine and then it hits me like a kick to the stomach. She's really gone. There are good days and bad days.
I also talk to my Mum. I tell her about my day, or if I do something silly, I'll say "What am I doing Mum? That was silly, wasn't it?" She had a terrific sense of humour and would be laughing at my clumsiness or just forgetting something because I am just not with it. Catch 22 is that it's because she's gone. I have had some signs and dreams that tell me she is okay. Wishful thinking? I don't know, but either way it's a comfort.
What you wrote about your Dad was from the heart and he sounds like a wonderful man. Keep that in your heart and keep him alive by talking to him now and again. Take each day as it comes. That's what I'm doing and just going with my emotions when I need to. I think it's the only way. You are definitely not alone though. You'll get some terrific support here. 
Hi Louise and Sarah,
Thank you for your lovely replies. Sorry to hear that you are both going through this as well. It's 3 weeks to the day since Dad passed now and it's still so hard to believe that he is gone. I imagine that you both feel the same way too. Having to get used to the 'new normal'. I really don't care for that phrase, one that the oncologists were throwing about when my Dad was diagnosed.
I will still talk to Dad as if he was here, ask him for his help and advice. Tell him that I miss him and that I love him. That he needs to keep an eye on all of us and gently guide us through the rest of our lives. A Dads and Granddads work is never done! He'll get no peace from us that's for sure
Sarah, it's so nice to hear that your Mum had a good sense of humour, it's something that she shared with my Dad. He was still cracking jokes with us and the nurses even in the days leading up to his passing. He was a big daftie as we say up here. Growing up we used to sit with Dad and watch Monty Python, Black Adder, Spitting Image, Only Fools and Horses and many more. He loved comedy and was always the family comedian and entertainer.
Dad certainly was a kind,generous and wonderful man, he looked after everyone and was worried about all of us throughout his journey. He was thinking about how this would impact on each of us rather than himself. The only thing I wish he had done was to write a wee note to each of us or made a little video but that's just me thinking about coping with this rather than anything Dad needed to do.
I'll be back home this weekend to see my Mum, Sister and family. I can't wait to see them but i know it will be hard. The first time I will have gone up North and Dad will not be there. It's all these firsts that hit home. Please let me know how you are getting on.
Dio x
The new normal sucks. It isn't normal at all. It is hard to believe, you are right. Sometimes I just sit here and have the same thought "my Mum is dead, my Mum is dead" going over and over in my mind, and it just seems so surreal. I had a dream about her the other day. She was on the other side of the road and I couldn't get to her. I caught her attention and she smiled and waved. She looked so healthy. I want to believe that she was giving me a sign. She did joke that she'd come back and haunt me. :)
Your Dad sounds like he had a great sense of humour right to the very end. My Mum told me a few days before she passed that she'd pretended to be asleep so the nurse she didn't like would stop bothering her. :D She always had a smile for everybody else and was still smiling at the doctors and nurses with a collapsed lung, sepsis, a feeding tube and all the other bits and bobs she had attached to her. How can it really be the end when they were such wonderful characters no matter what life had to throw at them?
I also wish my Mum had left a letter or something just telling me it would all be okay. It seems a bit selfish to be thinking that, but I'd give anything just to have something from her. I don't know about your Dad, but my Mum didn't know she was going to die. She thought she was getting better and then they found her cancer was untreatable and put her in palliative care. They took her off the machines and put her under sedation. We just sat around her bed waiting, holding her hand and telling her it was going to be okay. It was awful, but she died with so much love around her. I try to cling onto that thought.
That's great you're not going to give him any peace! Keep talking to him. I've had a couple of days where I've been busy and while I've been thinking about my Mum I haven't spoken to her. I apologised today and filled her in on what I'd been up to, but then I said "Wait, if you can see me, you probably already know this!"
I'm going to see my Dad on Friday. I've been back home since my Mum passed, but not since the funeral when we were planning things and had the distraction of making decisions. I hope it all goes well for you this weekend and you all get comfort out of being together. Like you say, it's all the firsts, but I'm hoping it all gets easier with time. xx
