Dad

Hi All,

I've been posting in the stomach cancer forum for the past 11 months throughout my Dads journey. 2 weeks ago my Dad lost his fight with upper gastric cancer. I still feel numb, even though the cancer and chemo took everything out of my Dad, his presence and words, were still reassuring and comforting. That little bit of hope always remained. Dad was diagnosed when he was 68, but a very young and healthy 68 year old. Still trying to exercise even the week before he passed away. He had so much drive and determination but also so much kindness and love. He loved each one of us and gave so much of himself to everyone he knew. 

The funeral was last Friday and Dad had a good send off, the church was full with friends, family, ex-colleagues and even though I am not religious in any way I knew it's what Dad wanted and that made me happy. Seeing the coffin there with my Dad inside did hit me hard, it wasn't an open casket but just knowing that it was him in there. I had to hold onto the thought that Dad was no longer suffering, that he may be somewhere playing his guitar and entertaining other lost family and friends. My whole life i have been a true believer of when you die that's it, you're dust, nothing remains or journey's on. There has been a lot of existential pondering and dreaming going on during the last 11 months. I truly hope that something remains beyond this life as Dad had so much more life to live. 

I have grieved since Dads diagnosis. Anticipatory grief, but when that moment comes, when you are there holding your loved ones hand when they take their final breath. That true feeling of loss hits you, it's overwhelming, like a ten tonne truck to the face. I've never felt that before and I never want to feel it again. Every morning I wake up i think about Dad, i talk to him, mutter sometimes, hoping that i'll get some mystical sign that he is ok, that he exists somewhere. Just to know that he is happy and keeping tabs on us and that he'll be there waiting for us when our time comes. 

I know Dads passing is going to take a long time to get used to. The grief will continue to have its hold on me for a long time. I have never known life without my Dad, how strange and sad it feels. He asked that we carry on and be happy. I told him that it would be very hard to be happy when he's not around but we will try our best for him, that I would look after Mum and do my best to make him proud as a son and a brother. 

The days will pass, the months will slip by, the years will follow, but I will always remember and love you Dad. You are a true hero in this world of charlatans. You gave your all to all of us.