Early days - feeling lost

Hi , I’m very sorry for your loss . I lost my mum in February . I’m only just starting to see through that fog you mention . I haven’t been able to come on to  sites like this or talk about it really ! 

I wouldn’t say I felt closure but it was different she wasn’t  on this earth any more . It’s going to be a long road !

I feel like the world has only just started turning again , but I’ve been made to come out of my bubble by being diagnosed with lymphoma myself . Completely different type of cancer to my mum . 

Congratulations on baby bump !! Try and take comfort that she knew you were expecting . She was able to feel excited for you .  

Sending you love as I know how it feels to loose your mum and best friend x

Hi,

Your post really resonated with me. My mum passed away on the same day as your mum. She was in a hospice and had her family around her in her final moments. The shocking part is that she was only diagnosed two months ago. Her stay in the hospice was supposed to be temporary but the cancer was such a rapid aggressive type that she was always fighting a losing battle and a week later she was gone.

My mum said to me in the morning "I just can't fight it anymore". That was the last coherent thing she said to me. The rest of the day was so painful, she also said "help me" a lot while on the morphine. It was just awful.

I don't have any children but we were trying, I'm not sure I can carry on trying now. I probably will at some point but the idea of not being able to tell her she'll be a nanny and have to go through the whole journey without her fills me with pain.

I've felt like I've been in a bit of a daze but then I have moments where I know I need to deal with things and get on with it. But it just keeps hitting me in waves. I can't offer any advice on how to cope because I'm not there yet either but just wanted to message so you knew you weren't alone.

Sorry for your loss and diagnosis Buzzybee33.  Thank you for your response.  I feel like it's going to be a long road so I'm trying to take one thing at a time.  Going back to work tomorrow which I don't feel ready for but hopefully it will be a good distraction.

Sorry for your loss Purple_girl.  I thought my mum's stay in hospital was going to be temporary as well.  I keep thinking back to when I had to leave her after she had been moved to the HDU ward and she was so happy she was near a window and could see a beautiful sunset.  Next day she was in ITU in such a sterile environment.

You'll know when you're ready to try again.  I feel really sad that I won't be able to share anything with my mum about this pregnancy but my family are being really supportive.  I have to have another scan in just under two weeks which is the day before the funeral.  Not sure if I'll be able to keep it together that day.

I keep a diary and yesterday I wrote as if I was writing a letter to  her.  It was hard but I felt calm afterwards and yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.  I think I'll carry on doing that as it felt like I was sharing things with her even though she's not here.  I've also been a bit crazy and have been talking out loud to her haha.

Thank you for your message, sending you love for your own journey through this xx 

Hi Purple Girl.

I'm so sorry for your loss, however I just wanted to pop on and offer some support, I lost my Grandma on the 16th July, and I can relate to you, when you said it so hard watching a loved one go, my Grandma was surrounded by her family, however I am now finding it really difficult.

I deffo havn't reached the closure and moving on stage, I just don't know how to feel right now, just taking each day as it comes. Some people do get closure and can move on after the funeral and everyone is different.

I think I'm just taking comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering, and she wouldn't want me being unhappy, but it is just too hard.

Hope x

Hi Victoria, 

I lost my Mom in May (still doesn’t feel real writing those words). Her last day sounds very similar to your Mom’s - I’ve replayed those last few days in my head so many times. But I try to remember that it wasn’t her at the end, that wasn’t my Mom. 

I’ve kept a diary, too. I started it not long after we found out it was terminal and like yours, at the start it was a diary. But now, I write her a letter everyday. It brings me comfort. I’ve nearly filled a whole book now. Even though I believe she’s watching down on me and she’s with me, I like writing to her about how I’m feeling. 

Thinking of you and your family,

Beth.

Hi Victoria,

I think you're right, I'll know when the time is right to try again, it's just hard to think I'll ever get there right now. I like the idea of writing my mum a letter though, I may have to borrow that idea and see how it makes me feel. I'm thinking of writing her a letter and leaving it with her when I see her in the chapel of rest.

I really hope it goes well for you in the next scan and throughout your pregnancy, it's good that you have a supportive family around you. Nothing can teach you the value of family and quite what they mean to you like a situation like this.

Thanks for your message back, it's made me feel less alone through this. Sending you love and best wishes on your journey too x

Hi Hope,

It's hard isn't it, when you know what they would want for you but you're just not ready to be there yet. I lost my grandma when I was 19 and it was really hard. I wasn't with her at the end and never really felt I got to say a proper goodbye. I still think of her often even though 15 years have passed. I have dreams where she's still with us, or shows up and says she was never gone. I'm expecting that to start happening with my mum. In a way the dreams are nice because it shows you haven't forgotten them but they're also hard because it's so emotional.

Sending love while you find your way through this x

Hi Purple Girl, 

Thank you for your response, this online community has been a God send recently, and it's nice to know that everyone is going through this together and supporting each other, may that be sharing stories, or just being there to listen. 

I do agree the dreams are nice because it does give you a bit of comfort, are you currently dreaming about your mum? at the beginning I had dreams of my Grandma, and it was so surreal it was like she was still here, however I found that comforting and also a bit strange, i don't know how your currently feeling about it, but I did get some good advice on here, that it was maybe my Grandma was worried and she couldn't pass on properly because I hadn't reached the acceptance stage, and after I heard that I realised that might be true, and since the funeral she hasn't visited me in my dreams anymore. 

Sorry if i'm rambling, good luck with the scan :) 

Hope x

Even though I know we're all in such a horrible place, it's been both comforting and emotional reading everyone's responses.  I really appreciate how tough it is to come on here and write about our own experiences.

@Purple_girl I think it's a lovely idea to write a letter to your mum and leave it with her.  When is the funeral?

I hope I have dreams with my mum in one day, just so I can feel like she's still close by.  I went back to work this week which was hard.  Initially I thought it would be OK but as a I work for a large company not everyone knew why I was off so I had people asking me if I'd been on holiday.  It was quite awkward having to tell them the real reason why I hadn't been in.

I've felt strangely OK over the last couple of days but even though I'm sleeping I feel continuously exhausted, my sister says the same.  I also had to go to the hospital today which would usually be fine but I was on my own and felt really anxious.