My mum died on the 30th July after battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma on and off for almost 10 years. She was re-diagnosed just over 3 weeks ago but collapsed two days later, when she was supposed to be receiving her first round of chemo, and was admitted to hospital with sepsis of the chest. Even though we were warned she might not pull through she seemed to make progress and I naively thought she would be able to get to the point where she would be strong enough to be given chemo. Unfortunately cancer doesn't wait and after 2 and a half weeks in hospital we were told she only had days to live.
I feel so upset for her. She was so scared and the last words she said to me when she was still conscious and able to talk was "help me". There was nothing I could do. There was nothing any of us could do. Watching someone you love die is so, so hard and I hope that in time I'll forget the hours we spent by her bedside and the way her cancer quickly changed her into someone else. I take some comfort in knowing that she had all of her children and her husband with her when she passed away but she died on the intensive care ward and I know she would have hated that.
Obviously it's only been a few days but I feel so lost. She was my best friend and we spoke over the phone almost everyday. To make matters worse I went for a 12 week scan today and didn't feel any joy seeing the baby on the screen. Just knowing that I can't share any of this pregnancy with her makes me almost wish I wasn't expecting at all. She did know I was pregnant before she died and was happy for me but I wish I could have at least shown her 1 scan photo.
Is it true that some people find the funeral of a loved one offers closure? I hope so. Right now I feel like I'm walking around in a fog and I know my siblings feel pretty similar as well. I know my mum would just want us to get back on with normal life and not to grieve for too long. Right now I can't see how I can go from feeling like this to feeling normal again.
