Do you regret not seeing the body?/grieving process

Hi and I will start by giving you a hug.

No one can tell you how to feel or how to deal with your loss. I lost my Dad last November and only now am I grieving. It came over me like a tidal wave but before that I was matter of fact. Dad had died but it was as though he was just away somewhere. 

Live your life as he would have wanted you to.but be aware that at some point things will become a reality and you may struggle. Going to Uni will give you something different to focus on as is your birthday party so enjoy both.

As for seeing the body, it's probably a good thing to do because it gives you the opportunity to say your goodbyes but go sooner rather than later. If you are afraid as I was in seeing my first dead body  it's nothing like you imagine. The person just looks so at peace. This is entirely your choice, no one should judge you whatever you decide to do.

I am sorry for your loss at such a young age and if there is one constructive piece if advice I can give you is to talk about your Dad and treasureyour memories x x 

Big hugs to you and your family. I can definitely sympathise with what you’re feeling right now, especially your young age. I lost my mum last year to Ovarian cancer and at the time I was only 16, in the middle of my GCSE exams. Similar to you, I had a lot of problems sleeping during the grieving process, as well as a lot of depressive thoughts like ‘why did this have to happen to her?’ Ultimately, I just saw the world as a very dark and unfair place for a period of time. Can I just mention that things will get better. This is something that I never believed. People would tell me that things would get better, that I would come to terms with my mother’s death, that I would gradually come out of the deep depressive state I was in. Let me tell you, things do get better and please hold in there. 

Some people like going to see their loved one at rest, while others hate the idea. Personally, I hated the idea of seeing my mum in her casket. However, I decided that I would go and see her because it would be the last time I would ever see her. It was a very raw emotional experience, as you could expect. The choice is all yours, but I recommend going to see your loved one. I feel like it really helped me with my grieving process, but then again, everyone is different (sorry I have to emphasise this). It took me a while to pick up the courage to walk over to her casket, but I managed. I had some private time just holding her hand and talking to her, telling her that I was going to do her proud. I was also able to place some personal items in the casket, in which I placed a teddy bear I bought for her as a mother’s day present when I was 10. So for me, I found it very helpful, although at the time I was in a terrible emotional state. 

I don’t think anyone ever stops grieving. It’s just the severity of the grieving which changes. Everyone expresses their own grief differently and that’s okay. I was quite emotionally unstable for around 3 months. I then started sixth form and got my life back on track and it made me feel so much better. However I can still get emotional about my mum to this day. I always talk about her to my friends and family. We can all have a laugh and have those ‘remember when’ conversations. Grief is sort of like waves to me. Looking back to when I lost my mum, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute you would feel sad, then you would come to acceptance, then you would be suddenly angry at the world, and then you will come to terms with the situation again. I believe losing a close loved one, particularly at a young age, really shapes you as a person. 

I wish you the best with going to university! I know things are pretty difficult right now and the grieving process is messy, but things will get better. Again, lots of hugs to you and your family. And I’m always here for a chat. I’m glad you shared how you’re feeling, because it made me feel better about my experience and I finally felt like I found someone who shares a similar experience. Remember that your dad will forever be proud of you, and keep on doing what you’re doing!

Just to add! You may wake up feeling sad for a while, as did I. These feelings may seem like they last forever, but they’re only temporary. There will be days, sooner than you might think, when you wake up and go to sleep feeling happy. My way of tackling these negative emotions were remembering that my mum loved me and I loved her. Please cry when you feel like crying as well, because bottling up emotions especially regarding grief, is not good. 

Make sure you receive all the help and support available at university because this is a big step for you. 

Thanks for the reply and advice and im sorry to hear about your dad

Shauna12, sorry to hear about your experience, but like you say it is somewhat comforting to know other people have experienced the loss of a parent as a teenager - when youre starting your journey to adulthood feeling alone and feeling like half your support network has disappeared when you need it most. Thank you for sharing your experience with grief, I suppose ill have to take each day as it comes

As an update, I saw his body today. 

Whilst it gave me some closure about his death and made it feel more real as its hard to let the information sink in through a phone call, i do regret it

Whilst the hospice has been amazing and an absolute life support for us and him, and i know theres only so much you can do to present a dead body well, it wasnt done in a great way i thought

The nurses said he looked like he was asleep and peaceful, which convinced me to see him and i knew they had spent time preparing him for the viewing.

The image I saw next has haunted me all day and brought on countless panic attacks. His mouth was open, his eyes half open and his body contorted unnaturally. He didnt look asleep or peaceful. I wish my last memory of him was me hugging him and telling him i love him, i dont think he wouldve wanted me to see that

I know not all experiences are like this, i am just recounting what happened incase other people in my situation stumble upon this thread in the future. Whilst im sure it is a great comfort to some people, for me it shocked me and i couldnt spend more than a few seconds in there, i was so distressed to see how he looked and i am not easily disturbed to the extent I was today. I am not trying to put people off, just give an honest account of my experience so other people can decide for themselves and consider it against other reasons/stories. 

Hi, 

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am sending you the biggest virtual hug i can. 

I don't want to sound like a broken record too and explain everyone's grief is different, because I can appreciate that not everyone wants to hear this, which is perfectly fine. I just thought that I would offer some advice on my recent experience, because I think that we are both feeling the same emotions right now.

My Grandma passed away last week in the Hospice, and it was expected, however we didn't expect it to be so quick, but my dad called me on the Tuesday morning and told me that my Grandma was fading quickly, and it was up to me, if i wanted to see her because he didn't want me to be traumatised by it, I did contemplate not going, but at the same time even though my Dad was with her, I wanted to be there aswell, as she had been there for me in my times of need. 

She passed away in her sleep at 12:45 on the 16th July, and i know it sounds cliche but it was peaceful, however i've never seen someone pass away before, and I don't think I want to see it again, even though at the time i was strong, it's really starting to affect me now, it's constantly in my dreams and deep down i still think its in my subconscious, and like you i have the image of her with her mouth open. My dad has recently asked if i wanted to see her in the casket, however I have declined. as I have managed to block the image of her out of my head and replaced it with a nicer one. 

Sorry i'm rambling on about me now, I think the main thing i'm trying to say is don't feel guilty and take things in your own time at your own pace. 

Plus well done on University, you will have the best experience. 

Hope x 

Thank you, it seems like replacing the image of them dying is the best way to recover from it, so sorry for your loss

It is, although it was expected, and she was 88, she had a good life, it doesn't make it easier however when people say that, but i can't imagine what your going through right now hun, and I know whatever words I say arn't going to bring them back, however please take comfort in the fact that it's perfectly ok to deal with it however and which ever way you want, and  if you ever need a rant this site is perfect for just listening and not judging. 

Hope x 

Hi , sorry for your loss and I send my condolences. When my friend died last year I often have trouble with my mind to whether I should of gone to see him after he died, whether I should of gone just before hand and I think maybe its best I remember him for who he was and not how he had became, but its always difficult to know as we are all very curious by nature but I am glad you have a better image now then what you saw at the hospice focus on that happier image.

Sending you a gentle hug