Dreading New Year

Whilst, writing the above. It got me thinking, about the digs - 

Am I, being over sensitive? Then i think, why they annoyed and upset me.

And this is why - 

" oh i know its hard, but everyone goes through it" 

(I completely agree, but this is not everyone, this is me and my mum. No one knows how that feels. As it was a unique bond. Like everyones realtionship is)

" it's been nearly 6 months" (6 MONTHS is nothing, I want to scream, for a life time full of love and memories) 

"Your not the only one, it's happen to"  

(I completely agree and my heart goes out to every single one of them, I never said I was. I never seek sympathy) 

"you look so much better now"

(better, like I'm cured. It's  not all gone always, grief last a life time. Comments like this add to the anexity of living a life without mum, feelings of gulit) 

" you must be greatful, everyone being so nice to you".

(Greatful, really!!! Its not like, I'm loving the attention.

"Least you have your dad" (I'm internally greatful, i do and I'm know, that I'm lucky many don't, I don't need anyone pointing that out to me" (seed of gulit again)

"Your sibling has coped, sooooo well" (Haven't they and I'm uber proud. But im proud of me too!!

I don't need people to sow seeds of doubt in my head. I know I struggle, but I also know im doing all I can)  

Xxx

Hey there

Although I lost my Dad 5 months before I went to Uni years ago it was a completely different experience for me. He had worked abroad most of my life, we weren’t close. I still had my Mum. I had studies to finish (he was big on education so would have wanted this for me) and we had a business to wind down. Mum and I were used to supporting each other and I know it’s strange to say but this was just an extension of that. Sorry, no help whatsoever for you.

It will be 3 months on the 16th since I lost my Mum. I’m lucky in that no one has really said any of these things to me yet, perhaps it’s still “early” enough for them not to. 

I definitely feel like the big GG (Gremlin of Grief) is waiting for me round each corner. I just feel numb most of the time. 

Hope you both get a good rest xx

Wow, I was shocked to read the comments your ‘friend’ said to you. Sadly, it does say more about her state of mind and where she is at than yours and clearly I don’t know any of the details but I wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t dealt with any of her own grief - just purely compressing it. There could even be a sort of indirect jealously there - you ‘appear’ to be coping and she isn’t? It’s sad really, as she could see you as an alli in this and someone who ‘understands’ more than most, rather than saying hurtful comments. I really wouldn’t over analyse them though - these comments were about her state of mind.

I agreed though with all of the comments you wrote Sunshine19. 6 months is no time whatsoever and apparently the ‘clinical medicine people’ say that it’s 2 years to process but again, I’m taking that with a pinch of salt. You can’t put any time on when you will come to terms with your loss. 

Totally got what you were saying also about not wanting to be that person who lost their mum to cancer - no sympathy, no feeling sorry for but at the same time, people forget and so when I have a bad day or I’m not performing to 100%, just a bit of space. Guess you can’t have it both ways. 

Woke up this morning having dreamt of mum - think today might be a tough one. Mum went within 5 weeks of being diagnosed with ovarian C and I keep dreaming about how she’s ill in my dream but we’re taking care of her - I never got that part with her. I guess on a positive, she didn’t have to suffer with the horrid disease for too long. 

Anyways, hope everyone has a chilled Sunday and wishing you all a week with not too much of the the GGG - green gremlin of grief! 

Lots of love xxx

Morning ladies. Yes completely agree, I think it's defiently,  her own issues. And i have reached out to her  and  will again in time. And the nice compassionate me knows and respects this. So i just let her be her. As I'm learning grief is so individual Xx

I know what you mean, with the sympathy thing. I think it's too elements, one, I don't want this to be happening. But of course it is (it kind of confirms it, silly I know, because it is happening) and then there's, all these internal feelings i cant control. So i dont want them to look like im seeking sympathy. Being a Drama Queen. I try so hard, but it like these emotions take control. If that make sense. Like when I was at work and went onto a meeting and just started uncontrollably sobbing. I was so cross with my self. But i could not control it. And then the love and compassion of my friends, family and strangers has got me to this point. 

OMG my Greif is so contridictive, As then I think the hardest thing, is that so quickly the passing of your loved one goes from the forefront of people's minds, accept those closes to them)  like in 6 months. Such a beautiful, vibrant person has slipped away and life just still rolls on. Sure people care, but its almost thats over now. How can life be so disposable. X I don't blame people for this and I'm sure I've been the same when people have passed. But the reality is people. Go back to their lives, their problems. Its not the main focus. Like you said can sting, when it's like people have forgotten. 

Literally grieve has had me questioning everything. I was an over thinker before. But now it's 10 x worst. Its very confusion some times. 

Any way off to see Mary Poppins Returns as much brighter. So all have a good day and week ahead. X

I think that’s the thing isn’t it. Everyone grieves and deals with things differently. There’s no right or wrong and no time limits. I spoke to a lady on Friday who lost her Mum 22 years ago and still has moments when it feels just like yesterday. And, yes, trite as it sounds the passage of time will hopefully start to make it a little easier for us - we’re just not there yet and that’s fine. From the sound of it we are are doing ok, I’m proud of us.

Yes the weirdness of life going on is really bewildering. When my Mum passed I walked out of the hospital in a daze at about 1.30am, drove myself home and unbelievably managed to fall asleep- I think I was just so exhausted. But then hearing life going on outside I thought exactly the same. You want to scream - how can life continue and just go on when I have lost my best friend?? And you have to go through the weird motions of the bereavement office, registration, funeral directors...much of it in a daze, again each person I passed I felt jealous of, seeing people with their Mums. Things hit me all the time. I have to give my job a next of kin... I don’t have one. Post that comes. People who still don’t know.

But like I say. We all know how much we cared and loved and that is why we’re grieving and at such a loss now. We will have good days and bad. We’ll have strength and we’ll have wobbles.  I was lucky to have my Mum and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The extent of our pain is testament to our love and we’re all doing just fine - they would be proud of us I’m sure.

Wishing you both a good week xx

Hi there

Hope you are both doing ok.

I just wanted to run something by you. I had an echocardiogram in November. Unintentionally this showed up something on my liver and I was sent for an urgent scan. I didn’t tell anyone. I wasn’t scared of dying if it was what they suspected,  I was scared about the journey to that point. At the scan the radiologist said he didn’t think it was anything but needed to review further - that was on 13/12. Again I felt nothing. I did mention something to one friend as it sort of came up. I finally got confirmation yesterday that it is not cancer ( which was never specified but implied by the speed by which everything happened). I still felt nothing.

Does this seem really abnormal to you??

When you mean abnormal, do you mean the feeling nothing after each situation? 

If that is what you mean, then I don’t think it’s abnormal. You have to remember that finding out a loved one has cancer and then they die is terribly shocking. Something that I guess takes so very long to get your head around - so when you find that perhaps you ‘could’ be dealing with cancer yourself, how can you feel anything? Losing a parent or parents is THE shocking thing. I guess it’s a numb feeling. Not to sound morbid but having seen my mum not be afraid of dying, I no longer am. It’s almost as if she showed us that it was ‘ok’

So sorry you had to go through all that though. 

Xx

SPu sorry that you had to go through this. Xx

I think considering, all you have been through it would be a normal (whatever that is) response,  to suppress feelings. It's like a numbness. Detaching your self from reality.  I think this is a away of protecting ourself. I've felt over the last six months,  Why feel something, as you can't change the result.  Give yourself sometime. Sorry I can add any more, but always here to have a chat. Xx

Kate, sorry posted before I read your reply.

(Sorry going of subject a bit)

I am exactly the same. I was so scared of death, dying, but I feel I'm understanding it more and the how precious life is. So i kind of think throw what you like at me, I've been through the worst. 

Losing my beautiful mum made me realise dying, death and Breavement is still such a taboo subject in the uk. People don't talk about it. Its brushed unfer the carpet. It makes peole uncomfortable. Its made me think, people prepare for births, marriage, but death is no go.Considering its something we will all encounter at some,  point in our lives ,but it's locked away until it happens. Then your expected to cope with it alone and all its feelings. The  after a initial period of Breavement it goes into the box again. So i think being faced with the worst can bring that self protection. 

Rambling again. Xx

Ramble anytime. Agree to all of the above. Will add my two pence in tomorrow - on another work trip and I’ve eaten so much Italian food, I feel like I’m going to need to be rolled to the airport tomorrow.

Xxxxx