Dreading New Year

Ah thank you Kate! I used to spend a lot of time in the toilets before trying to get away from people and office politics so I suppose nothing will change there   x x x thank goodness for work toilets, sorry if this sounds wrong x x

Thank God for toilets  was an emotional erexj today. Ever one wishing me a happy New Year. I'd smile and say and to you. But was crumbling inside. I'm in my Pjs now and have had enough of today. So early night for me. I'm just fed up and miserable. But tommorow is a new day and I know my beautiful mum will send me strength. Xxx Guess we all allowed rubbish, miserable days. Xxx  

Meant wreck, not erexj.  predictive text. Xx 

I thought of you ladies today. I do understand - people asked me how my Christmas was today and I simply replied  “pretty rubbish actually, yours?” 

For sure not an expert but sounds like you had a big wave today ( as per my piece in my profile) remember that you won’t feel like you’re drowning every day. 

And for the record, Ive done the same. Come home, had dinner and got into pjs and you know what, that’s fine! We’re just trying to survive this grief any way we can - tomorrow is another day and your mum will guide you and give that you strength. 

Xxx

Thank you Kate. Yes I thought of your piece and the waves. Xx and I know my beautiful mum is guiding me and giving strength. Xx Have a nice day. Xx Lou

Hi Ladies also been thinking of you. Hope you had a restful sleep and feel better today.

I'm dreading those questions next week in work how was your Christmas, New Year...people saying you'll be glad to see the back of 2018. I don't feel that way because my mother was in that year and we had some good times. 

I keep wanted to see a sign from my mother but I've had nothing yet. I asked her would she try and send me something before she passed away. She said she would try. Looking at photos of her I ache just to talk to her so much. Sometimes it's too painful to look at her photos and then I feel guilty about feeling that way.

I feel sometimes I still haven't accepted she's gone that she's still in her house and everything is as it was. Just find it easier to cope by thinking that rather than the brutal truth.

Sorry my message is not very positive for you. I hope to you all have a better day today you all deserve it. 

Love to all Lou x x x

Hi Lou,

I had a few prepared speeches for those questions. If I knew them and chatted to them (and they were aware what happened to my mum) I would say it was pretty horrendous and then the others, I would say - 'yea ok, yours?' and move on. Don't worry too much about those - I thought they would be harder than what they were. 

Your mother will send you a sign when you least expect her too - when you really need her too. I know some people think this is mad but sometimes I talk to her. Where she last sat, in my house, I just talk to her and have a cry. For me, it really helps. 

And just for the record, everything you said sounds so 'normal' I was walking down the street today and thought I'd seen her car?! (she lived in Norfolk with my dad and I'm in London) its not rational but it's all part of the mind - sadly in this case, playing some tricks. 

Live for the fact that tomorrow might well be a brighter day and from people who have gone through this already - it won't always be this tough. I do believe those waves of grief will gradually get smaller.

Lots of love xx

Thanks Kate. 

I don't think you're mad at all talking to your mother I tell my mother's photo goodnight before I go to bed even though it upsets me. As I've said before I really believe they are watching and listening. Their love is too strong to just to stop existing. 

That must have been so very tough when you thought you saw your mother's car. We live ten minutes from my mother house which is empty now and I just cannot face driving that way. Pretty much went there everyday so not be able to go there is extremely hard. I don't think I could cope with seeing a new family living in my mother's house.

Yes I think you're right a sign will come when I least expect it, think I'm hoping too hard to see/hear something. 

Take care and thinking of you x x x

Hi there.

Been reading the posts and nodding along - again, so many shared thoughts and feelings.

The days at work are ok, allowing me to focus my mind elsewhere for a little while. But I desperately want to come home and tell my Mum all about my new job. Time in the house is horrid. I too experience such a deep ache and yearning for my Mum when I see things at home. I too regret the silly arguments (although ours too were soon forgotten). I torment myself with did I do enough? Did she know just how much I loved her? And how dreadfully much I miss her now?

I feel such a huge dichotomy between”coping outside me” and “ lonely falling to pieces inside me”.

This is really tough.

Thinking of you all xx

Hi SuPu

I'm glad to hear that work is going ok for you. I find keeping busy helps me not to overthink about things I should have done or should have said to my mother. It's the nights I find hard.

Your mother would have known you loved her, I always asked my mother when she was ill do you know how much we all love you and she would always say of course I do. It is something they just know. This grief and pain is the price for loving someone so much.

Like you I just want to talk to my mother as silly as it sounds and say to her where the hell have you been. I've never gone a day without speaking to my mother and it will be 6 weeks on Friday since she died. I would tell her the most mundane things and the most important things and she would listen and always make me feel better. God how I miss just talking to her. 

Thinking of you all also x x x