Mum

Hello Sando, I don’t come in here often myself, but I noticed your unanswered post. My mother passed away in April 2015 although not cancer related, but in July 2018 I had my own cancer diagnosis which I suppose had the effect of having to speedily move from my grieving processes to think about me. My own coping mechanism firstly is to put myself in a Spock or Data like mode (gosh I hope the Star Trek reference is ok) so I think I understand your numbness. I think if your partner is asking if you are alright that he is reckognising that you are not your usual self at home and perhaps missing the old you. If you don’t want to draw attention to how your feeling and to talk about it perhaps that’s why you are showing a bit of anger towards him asking. 

I am guessing that coming here means that you are ready to move on with the grieving process but might need a bit of help to do that. Just in case I’m going to make a few suggestions and put a few links in for you to decide what’s best for you, and I hope that others might join in the conversation with their experiences.

I found the Macmillan information and support pages really useful, there is one on bereavement which includes how bereavement might effect you, and picking your life up again.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/larynx-cancer/coping/at-the-end-of-life/after-death/bereavement.html#46796

There is also an ask an expert section on the Macmillan site which has a section for bereavement support

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/ask_the_expert/ask_bereavement_support/discussions

I saw my GP when I felt numb then really down and started get nauseous, I was able to get a referral to counselling, however by the time it was available my more pressing need was to talk about how I felt about my own incurable diagnosis. The counselling helped to understand what I was feeling was normal and to see what strategies were best for coping. 

I hope you find the support that you need 

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I think many people can relate to the feelings of numbness you feel - work can sometimes add to that robotic feeling if you feel a bit distracted by the routine of your day.

It's fine and normal to feel however you do, so please don't feel angry with yourself for feeling your mum is still around as it's a legit feeling. It's nice your partner asks about how you feel as some people don't ask a few years after the death of a loved one. They obviously deeply care for you.

Try not to feel as if you 'should' feel a certain way as grief can be very individual. If you need to talk we are here. Be kind to yourself x

Help...

How are you Sando

I have these numbers. It's not helping. I help my sister and niece, and my dad who lost his wife. I have nothing left.  I haven't grieved for my mum. Cos all my family take it from me. I'm the strong one. I keep everyone together.

I don't know how to grieve and hold my family together. I could break down every day. I have really got nothing left in me. Its tearing me apart as been since my mum passed. But I hold it together cos she asked me to I need time too be sad.. 

I don't know how to grieve and hold my family together. I could break down every day. I have really got nothing left in me. Its tearing me apart as been since my mum passed. But I hold it together cos she asked me to I need time too be sad.. 

I hope you can take some time for yourself Sando, Support is often two ways I hope they can offer some support back to you, or that you can talk to someone else. A while ago I think I put a link in for the ask an expert bereavement support, that you post to, late at night and around anniversaries are the worst times aren’t they. I missed my aunts funeral on Friday, as I needed a biopsy that day. 

It must be hard for you?

Have you got cancer now? 

Why do you need a biopsy?