I want my mum back...

Hi Chel11,

I lost my dad five years ago last month, not from cancer, but never the less I can still remember the feelings I had then.   remember sitting crying, wanting my dad back and feeling like that for months.  Everyone's grief journey is different, but you will gradually feel that memories change from those raw feelings to ones that are comforting.  4 weeks is very early and you need time to process things and allow yourself to be however you feel.  You have gone back to work early, but that may be the right thing for you.  Do your colleagues know and understand that you are going to need some space at times?  It is perfectly natural to cry often for some time after losing someone and even now, the odd thing can set me off.  Maybe you need a little more time off, I took a couple of months.

I also had counselling as my Dad's care was not good ands with myself and my 2 sisters being senior nurses ourselves, we felt let down and were constantly checking things while he was in hospital.  The stress of this was overwhelming, especially as we always strive to give excellent care and we felt let down.  I am not suggesting that you need counselling as what you're experiencing sounds like the normal grieving process and you will come through it.

Please know that things will get better, though you can't see that now.  My thoughts are with you.  Look after yourself.

Gail x

Thanks Gail.. it really does help being on here.. I often feel my lovely friends can't really know how I'm feeling even tho everyone has been so caring. We had no idea mum had cancer and we don't think she knew either. It was only found because of the pneumonia.. I was off work for the 3 weeks she was in hospital as didn't want to leave her side so kind of felt abit of pressure to get back to work. I don't know what to do for the best really. I am so sorry for your loss too. And thank you for writing to me. It does help, seeing my dad so sad is heartbreaking I had never seen him cry before.. he was always a strong minded man ... now he's so broken and I can't make it any better. Literally the worst time of my life. My boss has lost her mum too and came to my mums funeral with some of my colleagues which was lovely. I really hope your ok xxx

Hi Chel11,

Just had to say a couple of things.  I wouldn't worry about the fact you was off work with your mum as this is entirely different and if you feel that it would be better for you I would not hesitate to be off again.  With regards to your dad, please don't worry about not being able to make things better for him.  He will find a way to come through it eventually once he is at that stage himself.  My mum has amazed all of us by coping after more than 50yrs of marriage.  You sound like a loving family and by supporting each other you will eventually get to a point where things are less painful, but it will take each of you your own time.

I would say, don't try to be strong or keep in any feelings you may have, just let it be.  I remember crying in Tesco as I was getting photos developed and the man serving me went for tissues.  The pics were of my dad and it was a few months after he died.

Things will get better with time.

Gail x

Hi Chel11,

I could have written ure post. Just know ure not alone. My Mum has been gone for 8 weeks - as time passes I feel worse. I've never not seen her for that long.... it scares me to think how much longer I have to live without her.

I too have a broken Dad who isn't coping. And when I see him this horrible black cloud of sadness sits over us. And I feel so guilty for saying it but I want my Mum. I love my Dad but he's not my Mum. I have a brother too. We are all broken. Mum was just 66. Fit and well then dead 3 weeks later. Some days I don't know how to put one foot in front of another. My two children do keep me alive.

If u need more time off work, take it. It's very soon to be back (I'm still on maternity leave but still don't imagine being fit for work 8 weeks on).

I hope the funeral went ok. Nothing anyone says on here will take ure pain away. But just know ure not alone.

I wish u peace and love and I hope one day our lives feel easier. Always here to talk. Just remember our Mum's would hate to see us suffer. Smile at least once a day incase they can see us :-)

Sharon x

Wow Sharon our stories are literally the same... I genuinely don't know how I can live the rest of my life with out her... I was with her when she passed away .. and have a real strong feeling that I have to make the most of my life, after seeing her but the thought of another day without speaking to her devestates me... i keep thinking she will come back home with her big smiles and an even bigger hug.. I totally understand your dad is not mum.. I love my dad to bits and if anything this has brought us closer, but no one will ever take the place of my dear mum. I really hope your ok Sharon. I've got 2 weeks annual leave in a week or so. If I can just get next week out the way. The funeral was all abit of a blur, I carried mums coffin which I am so pleased I managed it. And think mum would have loved the service. I hope your little ones are both ok. Take care of yourself sending you a big hug xxxxx

I lost my mum just over a month ago and I still feel numb. I have been getting counselling for anxiety as my grief is coming out in other ways. Best things I've learnt from my counsellor is that it will come out when I'm ready and to be patient with myself. I don't know if I miss her yet. It's still feels a bit unreal. But that's fine, it'll be real when it's time. Sorry I can't help.

Sharon... how are you getting on? Just wanted you to know your reply really helped me... I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it helps to know we are not alone... just wanted to check how your doing? Another week done without our lovely mums, still got this burning need to see her. It's relentless. X

Caity86 thank you for your reply, I really hope your doing ok. I've realised everybody feels such different emotions through this... I know once mum died I was so busy arranging the funeral and now it's all done I'm lost... some days I feel totally normal.. and almost guilty, others I can't talk about it without breaking down. One min I'm so grateful, lucky and happy that I had such an amazing mum for 33 years it makes me smile... and the next it's like I'm a child again and totally hysterical...just go with whatever you feel. 

Thinking of you. Xx

Hello lovely. 

It's funny I've not been on here for a few days... sometimes I feel the need to be on here alot and others I almost block it out - like grief I've learnt.

I'm not so bad. Like u - "good" and bad days. I hesitate to use the word good cos as u said it makes me feel guilty. But yeah some days I function relatively well. I even laugh. The kids keep me busy and make me laugh (and drive me bonkers but the point being it's distraction). Other days I can't put one foot in front of the other and the horrendous reality of never seeing her again totally overwhelms me. Just like u. Our stories are almost identical. I am 33 also!

Really glad my reply helped. I've certainly learnt that this grief thing is so unpredictable. A few people told me that the smallest thing may hit me out of the blue... Tuesday morning I was watching some rubbish programme on ITV feeling ok.. then a song came on. The song that came on the radio when I got into the car at 4am to drive home after watching my Mum die. I literally was hysterical. It took me all the way back to watching her last breath. And it lingered with me all day and I just felt so incredibly sad. And I realised that what we witnessed is probably the worst thing anyone could ever witness. And I also realised how good I am at blocking alot of this out. Am I having good days cos I'm blocking it out or am I just doing well and carrying on cos my Mum would want that & my children need me?

It's such early days for us and there's clearly no right or wrong way to grieve. But I do worry if I'm doing such a good job of blocking it out will that come back to haunt me one day. Who knows. Exactly as u said.. it's relentless.

It is nice to know we are not alone. Are u back at work yet? I'm always here if u want to talk.

Lots of love and thanku so much for thinking of me. 

Sharon xx

Hey this week is my first full week back at work.. it's been hard as I'm a hairdresser so all my clients are asking how mum is and I'm constantly telling people she passed away.. it's almost like I say it on autopilot and have no emotional connection.. like you say 'blocking it out' sometimes I feel so numb it's like I'm talking about someone else's mum. The last couple of days I've felt positive and so grateful I had her for as long as I did,and glad she didn't suffer for a long length of time.  the next I'm washing up with tears streaming down my face.. uncontrollable.. your right tho what we witnessed is completely horrific in one way, yet in another we were lucky we were the ones comforting our mums and not a stranger. Its all a blur tho.. I keep thinking back to the night in the hospital when she passed away and think... did that really happen? I moved back home last year while my new house is being renovated so I'm glad I got to spend some extra time with mum. But now when I leave for work I feel terrible guilt for leaving my dad. He's a changed man. So not only am I trying to deal with mums loss I feel so responsible for him too. He's older than mum and always assumed he would be the first to go, so this has really hit him hard.. sometimes I feel it's worse for him than me and my brother.  Like wise if you ever need a rant or a chat I'm always here. I hope your little ones are ok too.. it's prob good for you to have them keeping you busy.. knowing how much you loved your mum it must be lovely knowing you have 2 little people loving you in the same way. ❤️ Xx