Not Really New, Simply Returning

Hello LittleRunner,

It's a really difficult time. I think it's a good idea to speak with my GP. He's a really nice person and patient.  There must be alternative investigations they can do. The person who was to do the colonoscopy was a gastro-enterologist, however, he just wouldn't believe how sick drinking those litres made me. Yet, there has to be another way. I don't think I'd even object to something surgical rather than go this route. I'll speak with someone from MacMillan in terms of a counsellor. Sarcasm,I think is kind of a defense or, perhaps, some people's manner of getting a point across. I'm glad I'm not alone there.

Thank you so much.

Ms. Muggles xx

You know, I realize I've just gotten all my replies addressed to the wrong people. My mind is in overdrive. Please, forgive me, and just look for your name!!! xx

Hi Mrs Muggle,

I'm glad you have a plan of action. I really think you could do with a good friend to help you make decisions. Have you got anybody? I won't suggest your husband. Mine is not much help at times. I always remember when I told him I'd had a  spot of blood, and was ringing the doctor, he said 'Do you really need to?' !!!!!!!!!!    xxxxxx

Hello Ms Muggle /Jan

lm not on line very much these days but something made me log on today. I remember you well and I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time. I’m sorry too that you’re living in such fear. I hope the colonoscopy  goes better than you’re anticipating when have it. 
I know from our previous conversations that you haven’t always had the support and underscore your family that you’ve needed and that you deserve. I suspect that lockdown and the virus restrictions haven’t helped. I’m glad you feel you have support here.
You express your feelings very eloquently. You mention that some of your ideas seem odd to you…..when our minds are in overdrive we get lots of ideas which we then need help to sort out to assess whether they’re practical or helpful.. It may be that your local hospice has a community side that provides counselling and support groups. Could you ring them and ask? Or as Paeony suggests, show your GP or CNS what you’ve written here as a starting point for discussion.
One other little thought, could you write to your daughter about how you feel and about how much you miss your grandchildren? A sensitive, thoughtful letter might open the door to reconciliation. 
I really hope that everything works out for you both with your health and with your family. Sending you a gentle Fairycake hug xx

Well, Nanny Anny, my plan of action seems to change from one day to the next. I could do with a friend I trusted and could take into my confidence. Sadly, my dearest friend, has moved to another country. Oh, I do have other friends and a sister, however, I don't trust them not to betray my confidence. I don't mean in a nasty sense but, rather, one that's more 'did you hear about Jan?'. My husband is the sort who pretends not so good things away and simply ignores speaking of them. Whenever he's taken me to an appointment, not a word about it is mentioned on the way home. He's in total denial. He, too, would dissuade me from calling a doctor. He would make life hell. So, oh, yes, I can relate!!! I honestly don't know what to do except accept the inevitable. Thanks a lot for caring. xxx

Hi Fairycake,

It is really difficult and so frightening. You know, I haven't even booked the colonoscopy and I'm in no hurry. I think I fear it tremendously and the results.

No, I've always really been on my own with my family and these virus restrictions have been pure hell. I do very much feel I have support here. This is my rock. 

My ideas do seem rather odd even to me. I have no hesitation speaking with my GP. He's wonderful although tends to be rather a 'dear, dear' sort of chap. :-) I could write my daughter, yes. I miss my grandchildren desperately and, to be honest, in many ways I miss my daughter. In a weak moment, I called her with a question. She's a nursing sister and it was a medical question. My voice was trembling yet I asked my question and told her why. She was to get back to me and hasn't. She didn;t seem particularly upset at this situation, though. I regret calling her now. She just wasn't raised to be the person she seems to have become. So, I guess, I'll just leave it. Still, a letter explaining where I'm coming from wouldn't hurt. I could be more articulate if I weren't upset which I was when I rang her.

Thank you for your gentle Fairycake hug. xx

Hi Ms Muggle,

I agree with Fairycake that a letter might be a good idea.

I sometimes email my daughters and don't get a reply. I think they are busy working and trying to raise families. I often hope that I will not become a burden to them, although at the moment they call for help with their gardens, so that suits me!!!

I also think nurses and doctors have a more realistic view of medical things than we have. I remember once when my husband was having radiotherapy for throat cancer he started bleeding because of constipation. I immediately panicked and thought the cancer had spread! The emergency doctor we saw said 'Oh, a little blood goes a long way'. I suppose they are more used to it all than we are and have seen all sorts.

I quite agree that these lockdowns have not helped. I had an argument with my youngest daughter. We had offered to help my oldest daughter (whose husband is at sea) by home schooling her daughter while she worked from home. Younger daughter thought we shouldn't be mixing with anyone! I stood my ground, thinking we just had to help each other, and it turned out fine. Although I used to teach the same age grand daughter didn't want to know anything about it. Fortunately Grand dad talked her round!!! It was not easy, and has not been easy all the way through with various things, without cancer on top. xxxxxx 

Hi Ms Muggle. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug. I wept when I read that your daughter failed to ring you back after you asked your question and she didn't seem particularly upset by what you told her - that must be devastating for you. Your hubby sounds like he has the empathy of a plank, just like mine!

I've not got children of my own, stepchildren, grandchildren and great grandchildren (not yet met the latter). My step daughter-in-law has never asked me once how my cancer affected me but at 55 she's only a few years younger, not had children and a prime candidate for our cancer!

My husband calls me a drama queen if he overhears me talking to a friend on the phone who asks how I'm doing and says thing like "Isn't it time to let that thing drop?" He was also the guy who had me in tears not half a mile away from the hospital after picking me up after my op as he was moaning having had to wait for my prescriptions to be filled.

I agree with NannyAnny and Fairycake perhaps try a letter and hope for a reconciliation.

Sending big hugs your way, Barb xx

NannyAnny,

It does seem a letter would be better since e-mails are ignored. Oh, one of my fears is that I become any kind of burden to them. I'll hear from them when they want or need something, no doubt.

I agree. Doctors and nurses do look at things less personally than most of us do. I'd have panicked as well, imagining the worst and not permitting a happier thought to come into my head. A hospital would be the only place where I could relax a bit in your situation with your husband.

The lockdowns have been horrible. I've managed to observe all the rules as has the rest of my family. Your younger daughter sounds like my sister! Sue managed to make me laugh when she told me she'd made some pastries and was going to bring some over to me. Well, the rules (hers) were that we both be masked, gloved, and she'd get out of her car and put them on the walkway. She'd then get back into her car and I could proceed to go to the walkway and pick them up!!! I rarely see her either. That was the first time in two years and we live so close one could walk. She does ring when she needs something, though, which is ever so typical of my 'family'. So often, I'll see families together and I simply cry.

Sorry! I don't mean to depress you.

love,

Ms. Muggles xx

Hi Mrs. BJH,

Oh, how much I need a hug right now. No, Lisa wasn't particularly upset when I told her and has not followed up my call or email. I don't expect she will now. I am devastated. I suppose since misery loves company, it's heartening to know that my husband does have the empathy of a plank as does yours. He seems to play the role of 'dutiful husband' when I have an appointment at which he's present yet it's just a role. He is immature and terribly spoiled by his late mother. She, bless her, was always there to get him out of any situation. He has the maturity of a flea.

How very sad and, may I say, thoughtless of your step daughter-in-law to never have asked how your cancer has affected you. It must really hurt to have her seemingly not care and even your grandchildren should be old enough to be of some help and comfort. I'll never understand ... never.

Well, that makes two of us drama queens. You know, Mrs. BJH,, if I didn't know better, our husbands could be clones! He complains or makes sarcastic remarks at pretty much everything I may say. I avoid as much as possible talking on the 'phone unless he's not home. He unabashedly eavesdrops and makes remarks afterwards. Yes, I can relate to the tears, as well. Every time I hear, 'what do you want now", something inside me cries. It baffles me how one person can treat another. It's all so foreign to me. Yes, I'm writing that letter since it can do no harm and may just help. I won't know unless I do it.

Big hugs your way, Barb, hang in there,

Jan xx