Scared about everything

My sympathy Gem. Although I was 72 when I was diagnosed with gade 3 endometrial cancer, like everyone I would guess, I was petrified. Your reaction is absolutely normal. There will many more ladies with more experience than me to give you useful helpful advice but I wanted you to know as quickly as possible that writing here is very supportive.

You will get through this.

It just takes time.

Pam

Hi Gem

Welcome to the Womb group.

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis of a grade 2 womb cancer. 

How you are feeling at the moment is very normal. Cancer is scary and having surgery is scary. You naturally are thinking of your children and those around you. You are not being silly, just dealing with something huge. 

For me I found once I had the date for my surgery things felt a bit more in control. The surgery itself was straightforward and whilst it is a big thing for us, for the doctors it is a very routine operation and some do several each day. 

I am sure you will be very well looked after. 

We do have a Support Line that is available from 8am-8pm each day so do consider giving it a call if you feel like talking it through would help.

I wish you well for your pre assessment and we are here if you need us.

Jane

Hi Gem

Don't feel silly about your feelings, we all dealt with our situations differently. 

I was 59 when diagnosed so the children issue was far behind me but I can imagine what's going through your head. If you need to cry then do so. 

Good luck with your treatment.

H 

Just wanted to say It really is ok to have a lot of different feelings after a diagnosis. My situation is totally different from yours but I was unprepared by the complicated emotions that came up around hysterectomy. I think it's something that's often not discussed. It's really good that we can talk about it here. 

This is a great forum for support and I've found the Helpline very good too, especially when I needed a listening ear. 

Hi Gem

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your feelings aren't silly whatsoever. 

I had a total hysterectomy and oophorectomy last November due to endometrial cancer. I hope this helps even just a little bit to let you know you're not alone and your feelings are valid and natural. For a bit of pertinent background, I'm 45 and have no children due to PCOS issues I had for years. It was an A&E visit due to severe PCOS symptoms and subsequent hysteroscopy which lead to them finding the cancer. Even though I'm a little old to get pregnant (44 at time of diagnosis) I still had that teeny tiny bit of hope that it might happen. I really struggled with the fact the diagnosis took that away, even though it was fruitless anyway. I needed the hope, or at least the option. I wouldn't even have eggs left, if there were even any in my ovaries, because those were going too. It felt like my own version of body horror except rather than being trapped in some madman's basement waiting for him to chop me up I would be willingly walking into a hospital and letting them take this important piece of me.

My husband doesn't blame me for us not having a family, he's said as much, but the feeling that he kind of does is still there regardless. And it will be for a while. The knowledge that he'll never be a father because of me will too. But I know he would much rather we grow old together as we are than me take the risk of delaying the removal of my womb and its accessories.

I would very much recommend talking to your husband about your true feelings so he knows your worries. At its base, this is grief. Grief for something you know you're going to lose and there's nothing you can do about it. Obviously I don't know your husband but I feel confident that if he knew the unfiltered version of how you are feeling and your worries and fears he would reassure you that you and your wonderful boys are enough and he would rather you all grow together as the family you are. If therapy is an option for you at the moment I would highly recommend that. As well as knowing your husband is okay with this you will also need to know that you will be okay with it, eventually. And please, please know it is okay to grieve for what might have been. Don't beat yourself up for going through this process. 

And as for the people telling you to remember you 'don't need it anymore'. I know they mean well and often people don't know what to say. I kept joking to other people that 'it didn't work anyway', which was true I guess. If they are people close to you maybe tell them that rhetoric doesn't help. If they aren't close to you maybe try to distance yourself for a little while if possible or give yourself a mantra to say inwardly to yourself each time you hear it. Something like 'I might not need it anymore but it was mine and it's okay to mourn its loss'.

Sorry for the war and peace response. I hope your surgery goes well and I hope you find peace from these natural feelings and fears. Big hugs.

Deb

Hello Deb

Just to say I have found your post very helpful. I'm 65+ and involuntarily childless. I was in a different place about it in my 40s for sure so I realise it's different. The inevitable discussions pre and post diagnosis about gynaecology with medical staff triggered sadness from the past. I wasn't prepared for answering questions about my gynae history at all. It's often on letters and medical notes too. Turns out I'm better at talking about cancer than infertility!  

I hope your post surgery recovery has been going well. 

Sending best wishes. 

Hi Gem,

I’m sorry about your diagnosis and totally get how you’re feeling. People mean well but say some unhelpful things. I was first offered a hysterectomy when I was 39 after being diagnosed with large fibroids. I was single at the time and still hopeful that some day I might have a child, so researched and ended up having two bouts of uterine embolisation to shrink the fibroids. 

At 59 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and still struggled with losing this part of our body that to a large extent defines and rules our experience of being a woman whether we have children or not. And that’s on top of dealing with a cancer diagnosis and everything that stirs up. 

Be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to grieve and explore all your feelings. 

Good luck with your surgery and recovery. 

Hi Gem, sending you a big virtual hug. Every hug has to be virtual as I’m about to start chemotherapy!

You have every right to cry, scream, get angry, feel scared and sad. I’m 66 and had a hysterectomy 5 weeks ago but I felt, still feel like that. Emotions are playing snakes and ladders.

 The waiting doesn’t help.

I remember what a neighbour once said 30+ years ago after a mastectomy. Surgery is a bit like gardening, pruning out the old and diseased to help the rest flourish and bloom. Whether that helped her all the time, I don’t know, but I think on it in order to settle m head at times. 

in the emotional game of snakes and ladders, I try to remember that we hold the winning dice. 
Another warm hug to you.

My hysterectomy is next Wednesday and to say my emotions are all over the place I think my partner is wanting to shut me up secretly cos all I she done is cry 

I hope it all goes well for you with the surgery. I had mine in the morning and was home by the evening so hopefully you get as lucky. The blood thinner jags in my legs twice a day for 28 days were the worst part really.

Crying can be cathartic so if you want to cry, cry, and to heck with anyone else who doesn't like it. I do still think it could be worth telling your partner how you are feeling. But you know you, and you know them, so only you will know what's best. 

It's hard not to feel carried along with this flood that is the diagnosis, the feelings, the surgery... just try to identify a life raft, whatever that may be.

Deb