The things people say about cancer (that don’t help)

Hi MarmiteFan59

Good idea. I have had most of those said to me at some point.

I find most people very well meaning but they just don't always get it. 

My personal "favourites".....

but you don't look ill,

you poor thing

well I don't think I would like chemo,

are you going to lose your hair, when will it come back,

Do you have to go EVERY DAY ? (re radiotherapy)

you are so brave, a warrior, keep fighting

you are so strong- I don't think I would want to do it

if anyone can beat it you can

radiotherapy isn't that bad really, just laying down and being zapped

I am also finding I get people ask how I am now and getting the sympathetic head tilt and understanding look! 

However its not all bad, one lady I know not so well just said .........

I am sorry that you have cancer, it must have been quite a journey. Is there anything you need. I don't really know what to say but I have been thinking about you a lot. 

Jane

I got the 'if you're going to get cancer that's the one to get' from the GP when I first went with bleeding!  And no apology after!  I didn't see her again!

On the whole I find most people didn't say anything except it's gone now hasn't it, you are OK now aren't you straight after surgery and LVSI diagnosis!!  

My favourite is don’t worry you’ll be fine. Just need to get treatment over and you’ll be ok.

hmmm 

My daughter took it particularly hard that I had cancer and treatment. Her mother in law was then diagnosed with bowel cancer and had an op and chemo. My daughter and son in law went to visit her after she’d finished her treatment. My daughter didn’t mention me at all, but her mother in law said “how’s your mum? She only had radiotherapy didn’t she”. My daughter was horrified and wanted to say cancer isn’t a competition! 

Hi MarmiteFan59 

Great idea Marmite. We, as a group all understand that these comments range from annoying to infuriating. I have also had a lot of these. Those people that say, oh dear, cancer but that's the one to get..... Oh really, not in mine and many others cases.

The main annoyance I have at the moment is - despite being told numerous times that as stage 4 with an aggressive cancer, the odds are against me, older close relatives choose to believe that cancer is all finished with because God is good. They stayed away mostly when I was having chemo so didn't see me during treatment. The one time they visited just after one of the cycles and I was told that I looked awful! I was even asked yesterday "what are you going to do with all those wigs?" ( The inferred meaning being is that I won't need them anymore). I feel that they prefer to choose this belief rather than face facts but that doesn't help me and it is frustrating. It will also be harder for them when it does come back.

A x

I found that the majority of people feel quite awkward and either say nothing or say something rather odd. 

I've had:

'But you look really well!' 

'You'll probably live another 20 years' from the nurse at my pre op assessment 

'I couldn't do that' from a male friend after I described my 21 hour brachytherapy session. I nearly said well you wouldn’t have to as you don't have a vagina but resisted the temptation

'I've never heard of that type of cancer'

'We all face challenges as we get older'

'I'm a strong believer that when it's our time to go that's it!'

'You'll be fine'

'You need to start going out more' 

'When are you going to book a holiday?'

'You need to concentrate on the future' 

All well intended, I suppose, but unless you've faced the plethora of emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis and treatment it's very difficult to comprehend how someone feels. 

"It won't be, you're too young to get cancer" (GP)

"Keep on trucking" + "One step in front of the other" (friend)

"At least they caught it early" ... they hadn't and it had been misdiagnosed for a few years (friend)

It’s the whole presumption of talking to us as if they know as well as us, or better than us, what it’s like to have/have had cancer. 

Some remarks that have really grated on me are: 

You've lost weight, that's good (these people know I have had a cancer operation)!  Yeah, it's not good, it's because I have cancer, it's not been lost in a healthy way!

So, it's "JUST" 25 sessions of radiotherapy, 2 sessions of Brachytherapy and "JUST" 6 sessions of Chemotherapy?

"Oh, everyone seems to have cancer these days"

Those last 2 are very dismissive and thoughtless. I can't understand why anyone would think to say these things.

A x