My hubby was diagnosed with prostate cancer last week and it has hit us hard. Hubby is 55yrs, I'm 50. We have six children, with three children still living at home aged 16, 14 and 13.
The consultant who gave us the diagnosis was awful. As we sat down to hear the results of my husband's biopsy, the first thing he said was..... 'right we have the results of your biopsy and with this type of cancer we recommend surgery'! We both sat there mute and in shock thinking .... what?....wait!...what cancer?....slow down! but he was talking so fast we couldn't get a word in edgeways. After about 5 minutes he ushered us out of the room and said 'the nurse will explain more'. We left the room following the nurse like lost sheep. I must admit the nurse did a better job at explaining but when you're in shock, it's hard to digest everything.
There was a lot of information to take in. My husband's PSA is 14, (the consultant said that's high but when I pursued this forum i'm seeing people with psa's of over 100). His MRA scored 3 (whatever that means) and his Gleason is 9.
We have young children to break the news to but how can we when we're not sure what's going on? (our older children now know).
Moving forward, we are at the 'staging' point. My husband had a bone scan, 3D scan and CT scan of his head yesterday. He has another scan on Sunday to see if it has spread to his lymph nodes. They will then call us in to discuss treatment. They have offered him the choice of having either a prostatectomy or RT but recommended the surgery because of his age.
My husband wants to go for the surgery and i'm happy to go with his decision but that was based on the short conversation we had with the Nurse. From the leaflets and information I've read both will have lasting effects. Sorry to be graphic but we're both relatively young-ish with a healthy sex life....OMG!! The possibility of ED or incontinence is scary. In saying that, I'd rather him take the treatment and be here for many years to come, as opposed to having a rocking sex life for a few years and then him to succumb to cancer because he didn't take the treatment offered.
So many thoughts, so many hurdles, so many decisions...... THIS IS TOUGH GUYS.... i'm not gonna lie, this is tough.
Hello Joyful
Oh, I so know and understand what you are going through! Like yourself, we were not told in the best and most helpful way - over the phone! It's so but scary!
So, first, take a deep breath! 1 in 8 men are diagnosed with prostate cancer. Most men die with it rather than of it! It is curable if caught sufficiently early and manageable for many years if not. There are newer treatments and drugs coming to the fore all the time.
So, where you are at now is the most horrible and difficult part of the journey. Our world spins out of control and all long held plans and assumptions about our lives have gone out of the window. But... the world does stop spinning out of control and the further you get along the road, the easier it gets.
My husband was diagnosed in autumn 2023. We had an absolutely appalling service from our urology department until we fell into the hands of the prostate cancer specialist nurse team. They were fantastic and were so patient with us. My biggest problem was that I couldn't stop the tears! Every time I spoke with them I cried. Now, that was difficult to manage cos how do you blow your nose when you're wearing a mask:) These darned tears would not stop. Any and every time I spoke to somebody I would start blubbering!
However, I knew we had to do a lot of our own research so we could understand the pros and cons of the treatment pathways etc - to get some sort of sense of control. You mention being given some leaflets. I would suggest looking on www.prostatecancer.uk They do some fantastic booklets with very good explanations. They really helped us.
You ask how to tell your younger children. We told our adult children immediately and I gave them emailed updates all along the way. We have a 5 year old granddaughter and my daughter told her that her grandad had a poorly tummy. We also have 15 and 13 year old grandchildren and our daughter asked us not to say anything to them until we knew the full facts. The minute they got us on their own they asked me outright if their grandad had cancer and was he going to die. I told them as simply and truthfully as possible exactly where we were at at the time and also told them if they wanted to know any more than to just ask. They accepted it! My daughter was not too pleased but they must have heard her talking at some point to ask me the question. Anyway - they are absolutely fine and, more to the point, they know the truth and are not fearful that they are being excluded or lied to. However, I do know that other people have different opinions about how to inform younger children. I think. my teenage grandchildren were relieved to be included.
There are plenty of us wives posting here and so you are not alone! Keep reading because you will learn so much! Also, ask questions - there are very few that are unanswerable by somebody here!
Meanwhile, I send you the biggest and warmest of hugs and all my best wishes to you and your husband for a successful outcome. You are not alone in this anymore - you are among friends who are simply at different points of the journey 
ps other tips:
1. Keep a diary of all encounters with the NHS, who you spoke to, what they said and their contact details
2. Push for quicker appointments - one trick for getting past long waiting lists is to say that you are prepared to take last minute cancellations
3. Don't be fobbed off - take control of your own care and be politely assertive. Those who accept and don't question often get pushed to the back of the queue! (sadly)
4. Reach out to local support groups! It's good to talk with others in the same boat
Hi Worriedwife (love the username
)
Thank you sooooo much for your reply!! This is most helpful indeed.
Our children know something's up and our 13yr old daughter is particularly suspicious. I suppose it's probably obvious with dad having so many hospital appointments and us attempting to have really poor covert conversations. We've agreed to have a full conversation with them when we get all the results back.
I'm reading some cracking messages posted by other wives on various threads but do you know of any support groups specifically for wives?
Hello A warm welcome to the Prostate Cancer forum. I know you don't want to be here but it's the place to be for help and advice. Yes we have difficult things to talk about but we are honest and open. Let's not hide it- Prostate Cancer will affect both your husband's dignity and your sex life - but we are an honest bunch and say it how we see it.
Well - that's the introduction over - He's got a PSA of 14 (mine was 182 on diagnosis) He's a Gleason 9 - that's a very aggressive cancer - I am a Gleason 9 - I am doing fine 23 months after diagnosis so I hope that helps you.
So it looks like you have to make a choice Surgery or HT/RT (Hormone Therapy/Radiotherapy) - there is also Brachytherapy but that might not be suitable. As Worriedwife said above - you need to research each treatment as they both come with side effects - make a list of the pros and cons for each treatment and see which suits your hubby's and your personal preference.
Many Community members have a diary of their personal journey (I am on the HT/RT route - I didn't have a choice! - if you click on the icon of the beach you can see how I have gone on - I had a couple of issues on the way).
All Community members will be happy to answer any questions you have - feel free to ask questions however trivial they may appear.
Best wishes - and good luck on this journey - Brian.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
Strength, Courage, Faith, Hope, Defiance, VICTORY.
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
ahhhh the opening of Pandora's box 
. Thanks for the heads-up.....I shall prepare myself according
