Husband undergoing tests psa 219. Family don’t yet know.

Personally once you have the full results and diagnosis I would inform your sons, there is never a right time to tell people but if they know sooner rather than later it will help them come to terms with it before your christmas get together.

They would be bound to wonder what is wrong if they are not told prior to christmas.

All the best for whatever decision you make.

Keith

It was scary for all those who knew I might have prostate cancer and once the results were definite (I got the result just before the first covid wave hit) i took the time to ring each person I wanted to tell and let them know, this way they didn't get the news second hand. It was important for me and them to know where I was at and for me to re-assure them as best as possible, that there is life after diagnosis.

This should be your road too, its scary and there will be tears and shouting but at least when they arrive at Christmas they are already aware of the bombshell, will have done whatever research they want to before seeing you in the flesh (more tears) and can talk to you as logically as possible. There will still be demands to know what is going on, but better to have the big one out of the way long before Christmas.

And you should know that there is so many more treatment options available now than there was for your father, so there is no reason why you shouldn't survive this and reach your 70's.

Remember every year that you live gives them their own hope in the future.

Red Tea.

Thank you Keith, we will definitely be telling them when we know. As you say the sooner the better.

Thank you Red Tea, we keep rehearsing the how to tell them. May be a phone call each first then a zoom to see them all in person? I think once we know, then at least there will be a plan. We are in a complete limbo right now, Good to know there is life after diagnosis. We have told two close friends already as they are nearby and know what we are going through. There were tears then, so telling the boys will be so much harder. But we can't say anything till we know a diagnosis as all they will do is be plunged into the same abyss we are in with no more information. 

God love him, my husband has gone into work today to do the staff salaries despite not sleeping with the back pain and in agony. I feel so completely helpless and don't know how best to support him.  

I hope your journey is going well and wish you and KeithA above all the best on your journeys.

Hello Maggie, when I got my diagnosis in August the the cancer had spread just outside the prostate and Urologist said it was cureable but I needed a bone scan. Had bone scan next day and results flund lesions on my ileac cone so now not cureable but treatable. The pain on the right side of my back and right side was excrutiating. Have had palliative radiotherapy on the right side lesions. My wife was with me and afterwards told my children who both live further down the country. I have accepted my diagnosis but my wife hasn't as yet. Undergoing radiotherapy on prostate at present x 6 weeks. I just get on each day and don't think about cancer. I have plenty to keep me occupied which does help. Hope when your husband get all his results you can see the way forward. Sending best wishes, Graham. 

I wish your husband all the best, I would have gone in too because it is something that takes the mind away from the pain and discomfort.

The hardest part is not for the sufferer, they can feel their body everyday, as much as the family and why I feel for you. Some people try to deny that anything is changing and some people worry no matter what.

So is there any comfort or advice I can offer based on what I need, yes, just being there and not fussing, (you know how irritable ill people get especially men), being able to talk about it when he wants to talk about it, not forcing the conversation. And the thing I miss most; when he needs a hug make sure its available.

As for that chat: With luck he will have a good diagnosis but the chat will still have to be had and the sooner the better, even if it is only to let them know it is happening. Because if you wait the first question will be: why didn't you tell us this was happening when it started. And no amount of saying we didn't want to worry you, will ever pacify that. So please get it over with, it will take so much pressure away from the pair of you; and thats a big deal. Believe me I know

Red Tea

Dear Maggie Blue,

I am sorry to hear your husband's story.

My story -The ‘C’ word.

I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer on 23 Feb 2021.  Receiving this news was totally devastating for me and my family. As the consultant explained my prognosis, all I heard was the ‘C’ word and all my future dreams, aspirations, and life goals were taken away from me. I felt absolutely numb.

My initial reaction was to retreat into my shell, tell no one and deal with it - alone. 

That was my plan. It was a very poor plan.

Fate.

One week later Prostate Cancer UK ran a fund-raising event starting 1^st -31^st March 2021.  The objectives were to raise awareness of Prostate Cancer with all monies raised going to provide better treatment and earlier diagnosis for men.

Outcome.

The by-product of this was that I started telling my story including my children (One lives in Japan) and it was significant in how I came to terms with my cancer diagnosis.  Oddly it bought us closer together.

My children were extremely supportive and thanked me for telling them so that they could ‘walk by my side’ (metaphorically) through diagnosis, treatment and recovery.

I underwent major surgery on 23 June 2021. To date, the surgery has been successful and I am a recovering cancer patient.

My wife was simply amazing. She was very upset but was consistently strong.  The support of my family cannot be understated.

I wish you a positive outcome and my thoughts are with you and your family.

Best Regards

Martin

Post script (Prostate Cancer UK & Macmillan nurses were brilliant).

Thank you for replying Graham, I am sorry you have been in so much pain, it is very debilitating. It would be good to get to the stage of getting on with life, and learning to live with whatever he has. I empathise with your wife however, you just feel hopelessly useless as the partner. I hope your treatment goes well.

Hi Martin,

I am so glad to hear you are recovering. I guess your initial reaction is what I am anticipating for after the biopsy next week. I have cautiously told a couple of close friends who will be with us and our three sons at our granddaughter's christening in two weeks time.  Just to prepare them to be our supports on the day as that will be the first time we will have seen our USA son for two years. I expect and hope that we will have a diagnosis before then so we can tell them ahead of that day.

However, you seem to be saying that you told your children before diagnosis. How did they deal with the waiting and uncertainty? I think I am trying to protect them from this for as long as possible but maybe we should say something sooner? Its so hard to know what is best to do. I am sure it will bring them all together to support and am so glad that your family is able to do this for you.

I wish you well in your continuing recovery and thank you for your story.

Maggie

Thank you Red Tea.

Good advice, hugs and being there to talk when he wants to.

I am coming round to the conclusion that telling the boys sooner that later is a good idea. My dad had already had an operation for his bowel cancer when my parents told me. I was living abroad and I guess they didn't want to worry me, but I do remember feeling aggrieved and left out of it all. It would be a massive relief as well not to be keeping such a big thing from them all.

One step at a time and lots of happy things to do as well had got to be the way ahead.

Maggie