Wife can't deal with treatment

Hi Mustardo

That's a hard one and I am so sorry to hear of this issue. Is there any particular aspect of the surgery or is it the PC in General - the points to discuss are:

* Going into hospital to have surgery.

* The recovery after surgery.

* The after /side effects of surgery.

The question is, is she aware of your cancer, the stage that you are at and the reasons why you want the surgery?

I am looking at this from a mans point of view - the ladies on here may well have more of an idea about your problem, but on a personal note - will she give you any reason why she can't deal with it?

I would never make a siege negotiator but I hope this helps a little.

Best wishes

Brian.

Many thanks I feel the whole thing has got on top of her , I seem to be doing OK with it and Surgery is my first choice . She can see me now as normal and after the op with no bladder control for some time , obviously this effects our every day life from then on . I'm gonna give her some hugs let her release hopefully she will come round  if not I just don't know what's next 

Hi Mustardo - I think you are right there - You are doing the right thing for you - taking action to sort out the problem and you want rid - it's a joint problem  it belongs to the family.

Hopefully once the operation is over and everyone has issues, lets hope she comes to terms with them and that they don't last to long -there are folk on here who are back to "normal" very quickly.

You could use my journey (you can read this by clicking on the icon of the beach) as an example of HT/RT - this takes time and I am 18 months down a 3 year journey -I know I am older than you but 3 years with ED - my wife understands this and is supportive and loving  -it's not everybody's cup of tea!!

I think you are right to have surgery - I hope with love and understanding she will come round to your way of thinking and that the post surgery symptoms are just a small blip in your life.

Good luck with everything.

Kind Regards

Brian.

Hello Mustarfo, I can’t deal with my husbands diagnosis and treatment either! In fact, I think no wives can! But…we have no option! We can’t do what we really want to do and magic it away. 

so, why do we find this all so hard?  There are so many reasons!  

for one thing, a cancer diagnosis has a long history in our psyche of being really scary, unpredictable and a common cause of a lot of suffering, horrible treatment and death. Even though we know prostate cancer is often slow growing, curable if caught early and manageable if not curable, there is still a very big fear for us wives of a future without you.

a second factor for me is that I can’t bear to see my husband suffering - it actually gives me a lot of unmanageable and physical and psychological pain to watch him struggle. As a retired nurse I know I should be better at this - and I am with ‘patients- but I can’t separate myself from his pain for some reason ….and it really hurts me, too!

Then there is the impact of the treatment. I have watched my husband age 10 years in the last 8 months since he has been on hormone therapy. We’ve just had a wonderful holiday but instead of exploring and doing things we’ve had to take rests and watch the world go by. His illness has slowed him down but that means I either leave him alone and go off and do my own thing or keep him company in ‘resting’. It has a social impact on both of us. I also have a husband who is in a permanent state of Jet lag so I worry about leaving him!

 there are the physical impacts of the illness - what’s a cuddle? I’ve forgotten! Last week he reached out and stroked my arm! The first time in months he’s made any attempt to touch me! Coupled with that, although he’s getting better, he initially refused to even discuss his diagnosis, treatment, anything with me. I have felt so very very lonely at times!

finally, he has other things going wrong with him. So, our whole lives revolve around seeing medical professionals about one thing or another. Is this really how we wives, forever 21 in our minds, want to spend our days?!!!

this all sounds very self pitying, I know! It’s not meant to be ! It’s meant to show you the impact on us women of this illness. It’s not all day, every day and it’s not everything all together. These thoughts and reactions flit in and out of our minds as our husbands stumble along their own personal journey. It’s a horrible illness and it’s a couple’s illness. It is scary and tough for us wives precisely because we love you so very much!

I hope this helps you and your wife and I wish you all the stamina you are going to need whichever course of treatment you chose and however it turns out. At the end of the day, it’s what we sign up for when we married you all those years ago. It’s the price of love!

Ha!

As I said in my first post - I am viewing this from a male point of view. WW has just nailed it from the female side.

Cracking and very helpful post that ww -well done.

Brian.

Thanks, Brian.  I hate this PC with a vengeance but we are all stuck with it and it affects us all in so many different ways. The only thing we can do is help each other through it in whatever ways can

It's good for us to understand how much this affects our partners.

I must admit I said to mine I think you should find some one else because of her experience with her family and different cancer's.

But well she wants to stick with it

For this I'm so lucky.

Of course she does!  Most of us want ‘to stick with it’ but we do have our own struggles with this disease at different times and in different ways and at different stages.  For my own part, I have several times reminded my husband of past difficult times and how we have managed to work together through them. This is a different difficult time but the success in past battles leads me to dare hope we will get through this one, too by working at it together. Hope is a valuable commodity!

Hi WW

That’s a fantastic post. Thank you so much for all of that. I’m about to start HT and dreading the potential side effects. But, as in most things, the more you know the better. 

We try, but don’t always remember the impact our situation has on our partners. Your post is a good reminder that we need to support them as much as they care for us. 

Thank you so much

Such a lovley post I seem to have hit on a common problem and perhaps I've been rather to keen to forget that this is a family situation, your kind words are helping me understand my wife is also going thro this .