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Yes, I do know what you mean!  I took meds for enlarged prostate which “ affected” my testosterone level which cause my penis to shrink and not “work”.  After a while I seemed to loose the “urge”. Then had a prostatectomy and got off all my prostate meds. As is common erection problems continued but my sexual urge  came back with a vengeance!  Much more sensitive.  But with no erection it’s like “ being all dressed up and no place to go”.

Hi all, just an update on Richard's health which is deteriorating fast. He had a urine infection a couple of weeks ago and we think was very dehydrated last week. One of the practice doctors called an ambulance as his heart rate was fast and it didn't seem that the antibiotics were working. There had been a "cock up" by the nurse practitioner initially as she should have sent off a urine sample for testing, but it didn't go for culture, so we were not able to find what infection it was, and what was the best antibiotic. 

Anyway, as he was not drinking enough fluid, temperature and high heart rate, the doc and I thought he needed some intravenous fluids. However, when the ambulance went to hand over, the A&E doctor decided there was nothing wrong with him and discharged him with yet more antibiotics. As there was no transport available for him, he can no longer walk, they brought him home the next evening. Since then, he has just been sleeping and not really eating. I was so worried, I called our own wonderful doctor and he came out to see him on Tuesday.

He now feels that R has probably only 3 months left, and I think even less the way he is. He is arranging for an assessment for continuing health care and has already prescribed the end of life drugs to be here in the house for when they may be needed. Whilst not being too specific with Richard, he did ask where he would like to be when his end came. R discounted hospital and hospice and would prefer to he home, which is my preference as long as he doesn't suffer too much. I am totally heart broken.

Most of you know my situation, in that I have put my life on hold to look after him, and I do have another partner. I still obviously love Richard having had 45 of our 52 years together where I thought nothing would ever separate us. Things and people change and once he closed the business which he was so good at running, his focus was gone and depression set in along with the love of alcohol and his interest in some of his women friends.

The last four and a half years have not been easy. My decision to stay with him, having told him I wanted to separate, was due to his diagnosis of advanced prostate cancer. At the time, I seriously thought that he probably only had another year left and could not contemplate leaving him unsupported. However, now we know that prostate cancer, albeit deemed as not curable for some, is eminently treatable. Had he not had multiple other health problems, I feel he would still have many more years. When the ambulance service ask what other illnesses he has, I always say "how long have you got"? His inactivity has not helped his cancer, and nor has his pension for gin. I did my best to give him a varied and nutritional diet, but the mental determination to get fitter and better is paramount to beat any cancer, and unfortunately his attitude was, just give me another pill. 

My best friend's husband, who was also Richard's best and longest friend and born on the same day, suddenly died of a heart attack in October. He appeared physically fit and was mowing the lawn the previous day. However he was a smoker and despite his wife's continuous nagging to stop, this most definitely contributed to his furred arteries which inevitably killed him. I am not sure which is worse, watching someone slowly decline, or the sudden shock of finding your loved one gone, when you have taken them in a cup of tea. 

Gina

Gina, I'm sad to hear about Richard.  I know you have been through a lot with him.  The last 4 and a half years have been hard for you both. 

I can't believe about the 'cock up', well I can really.  It's as if people who should know what they are doing, don't care.

I hope you can get your life back on track soon, you deserve it!!!

I know I've never met Richard, but when you first started posting, I identified a lot with the symptoms Richard had.

Take care Gina.

Gina, that is a tough post to read and I can’t imagine your strength to be able to write it down.  There is no easy way for life to end but I am sure your joint decision to be at home is the right one for you both.  Thinking of you and look after yourself. 

Hello Gina (Sidsmum ) 

I've had to read your post a few times as being a bloke on Hormone Therapy it had me in tears - however I commend you for taking the time to write such a frank, emotive and realistic post. 

Yes since I have been around the group I have been aware of your situation and have followed your journey with Richard through all it's up and downs - you have been so stoic during that time and he couldn't have asked for any better support.

I am so sorry to read of the situation now and wish you well in the next few months. Your own GP looks to have everything in hand even down to the "just in case" medication. 

Please do look after yourself and your new partner during this time and if I or Macmillan can do anything for you - well you know where we are. Remember you have lots of friends here and we are with you at this time - do keep us updated and do come back if you want to vent, whinge (that's not like you - but you can!), want a chat or need some support. 

Kind Regards - Brian xx

Hi Gina, we’ve already exchanged messages tonight and I repeat here -  please let me know if I can help in any way.

we did not, though, approach this evening  the discussion about the question you raise whether it’s better to lose someone we love suddenly and quickly or watch them slowly fade away.

years ago, a friend and I went to Nottingham for a shopping spree and we were discussing this very matter because somebody we both knew , respected and liked was dying slowly and painfully . I recall going down the escalator in John Lewis and her saying that it’s important to be able to have the time to say our goodbyes and for us to be able to say the things we wanted said. I said it was important not to have a slow suffering!

however, we had only been home about 15 minutes when we heard that one of our friend’s husband had been killed in a car crash on the A1 at Wansford. We were all in our 30s. We all had small children.we were all totally devastated. Nobody , not even his wife, could say goodbye or tell him how loved he was.

There is no easy answer and no answer is right. We also have no choice.  This time is tough for you and all around you. But you can  make this the time that you say to Richard all those precious words you might want him to hear as you gently let him go? He has suffered a lot in the time I’v e known you , but you have suffered, too.  No matter past hurts, you express the positive feelings of a tender love and loyalty for each other. I hope your feelings can let you rejoice that you have this time and can sit with that love over the next difficult weeks and months and that, when the time comes, you will know Richard died peacefully and that you have had the time to say what you want him to hear.

You were such a support to me when I was a total stranger to you but at one of the lowest points of my life. You have become a wonderful friend - not just to me but people on here.We are here for you and we send you our love. Xxx

WW, you are a great friend to Gina.  Be there for Gina when she needs you!  I know you will anyway.

You have all of our love.

Gina, quite new here so all I can say is that I am in awe of your caring "devotion". And your ability to set out situation so clearly and dispassionately.

Probably against the consensus, but don't get hung up on "dying at home". My wife wanted to come home with only a few weeks to live. I did my best for over 5 weeks but the final few days drug regime beyond my ability. And the physical and mental toll would have near killed me.

Outside help was in our location very poor, indeed non-existent for first 3 weeks, despite being promised nursing visits from day 1.

Her last 3 days in a hospice were so much easier and at that stage she had little comprehension of where she was anyway.

Stay strong. Can't imagine anyone could do more than you.

Regards, Dave 

Hi Dave, and thanks for your post. To be honest, I am not sure we even have weeks to go. He rallies a bit mentally, but is so physically weak. It was his wish to be home and I know he would hate being in a hospice. We are lucky here and should get good support from the nurses. If it came to it and I couldn't cope, then I may have to change his mind.

I am also blessed with a wonderful private carer. As the incontinence is now proving a problem and the convene (a condom type of catheter) keeps coming off at night, she is going to come in early evening and change that for me as I am not very good at that. He is getting the best care from her and don't know that I could guarantee he would get anything like the personal attention that she gives him. She also makes him laugh every day and that is a huge bonus.

She is as bonkers as I am at times, and when he goes, I will miss her company too. Having said that, I think we will always be friends and she only lives locally. She is over twenty years younger than me, and used to be my mum's carer, so I keep telling her it might be me she will be caring for next!!

Gina

Just a short reply Gina.  Be strong!! 

To put a little smile on your face, this is how they are beating global warming in Dartmoor, teaching the Cows to use the toilet!