Hi,
My dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in August 2021. He’s tried a few treatments now, but hasn’t been responding well.
His consultant says we’re looking at a few months to a year absolute max. I’ve already begun trying to process what’s happening, but my stepmum is struggling to do the same.
She seems to be in denial about what’s happening. He doesn’t have an appetite and she’ll tell him the reason he’s feeling bad is because he’s not eating, not because of the cancer. She’s still got him doing jobs around the house and gets frustrated when he needs to spend time in bed resting. She also keeps telling me he needs therapy because he bottles everything up, but he talks very openly with my brother and I.
He’s currently in hospital after a really bad turn and she hasn’t been to visit him since he was admitted 72 hours ago.
Dad is leaning heavily on my brother and I for support, but I worry about what it’ll be like at home once he’s discharged. We’re grown and don’t live with him anymore.
I also worry that my stepmum will look back once he’s gone and wish she’d handled the situation differently. Our relationship has always been a little tricky, but has come on hugely in recent years.
How can I speak to her without her feeling as though I’m telling her off? I just want to get through to her for her sake and the sake of my three half sisters (11, 20 and 23).
Any help is very very much appreciated! Thank you :)
Hi Joe,
Thank you so much, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond and for sharing some of your own experience.
He doesn't talk to her because he's convinced himself it'll just end in an argument because she's in denial. As a result, she says things to me like "He needs to talk to a counsellor. He's just bottling it all up." Which isn't strictly true, as he feels able to speak with my brother and I about it, cry and be vulnerable.
Undoubtedly, it'd be better if they could talk to one another openly, honestly and calmly, but with emotions running so high that's really hard for them both to do. Dad is devastated by the news and I think he himself has also been in denial for some time, the gravity of his situation only really appears to be dawning on him now.
I think you are right about getting everyone together and discussing how we can approach this and make it as comfortable for dad in the time he has left.
Thanks again 
Hi Troxly,
Thank you for reaching out. It makes a massive difference, and it's so helpful to be able to speak to those who can understand the situation and see it from different angles.
Dad is putting quite a lot of pressure on me, which he's aware of. I'm off to see him in the hospital tonight and I think I'm going to speak to him about it. He's not really talking openly to anyone besides me and my brother. He actually swore the family to secrecy, but after a year and his recent decline, I'm starting to tell people as I need support and to be able to talk about it too.
You're right to say that everyone handles these things differently, and that's definitely something I need to be more aware of and patient with. This really resonates with me too, and you're not the first to say it: You guys look after selves first, so you can look out for each other as family.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and for your kind, reassuring words. I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, it sounds like you're being an absolute rock for your family in what is the most trying time of your life.
All the best and thank you again
Hi Joe,
They had mentioned a trial starting in November, but the way he spoke to me the other day is that was probably off the cards now. He said they'll try radium and chemo combined and then it'll probably just be a case of making him as comfortable as possible for the time he has left. I'll ask him again tonight.
OK, I will do that with my brother. He's seeing him again on Friday, so can broach the subject then.
Thanks again for your response, means a lot
