wifes vanity getting in the way

Hello Spreader

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been having chemo for myeloma. It must be a worrying time for both of you. 

I had chemo last year for a different cancer and I can understand how your wife feels. I can also understand how frustrating it must be for you that she does not want to go to appointments etc. 

It is tough to cope with the changes in your appearance due to the cancer and the treatments. However much you try to not let it affect you, it does. For me it wasn't really about vanity but how you look and feel is about your identity and for me it was also because I did not want people to see how ill I was. It is sometimes easier to push people away and then you also add a loss of self confidence to it. 

There were times that I did not want to go out and times when I did not want to go to the hospital. For me the chemo effects combined with the side effects from pelvic radiotherapy made me feel like I looked a mess. I kept some hair due to using the cooling cap but what I had left was really thin and in bad condition. I also felt my skin looked bad and my face looked bloated from the chemo drugs. I had a lot of side effects that meant I was in the toilet a lot with upset stomach and because I was unable to eat properly and what I did eat went straight through me, I looked almost grey. When I look back at photos of me a year ago, I looked a completely different person. 

I am sure that you are giving your wife lots of support but even with people telling me that I was looking ok and doing well, it just never sunk in. Looking back though I do remember all those people and their kind words.

Things that helped me were finding a decent wig and some pretty head scarves, in case I needed them. It was about being prepared. I also bought some hair fibres and some spray on hair dye that helped disguise any thinner areas of hair. I did not wear make up a lot, as there seemed little point- it is hard when eye lashes and eyebrows go.  For me the most unhelpful things people said was- it's only hair, it will come back, it doesn't matter, so and so lost their hair and just shaved it off. We are all different. 

I found taking photos of myself regularly did help. Sometimes you don't notice the changes when you are starting to look and feel a bit better but sometimes small changes can really help and they do add up.

I found chemo and also radiotherapy to some extent affect your skin, so nice lotions, hand gels, creams and any pampering things- even a new bubble bath helped. A few new items of comfy but pretty clothes used to make me feel better. I found doing my nails, when I could helped. 

I had scars from my surgery, only small but didn't like them. I also found when I had bruising it didn't help, both from the injections but also from the countless blood tests. It was things on the outside that reflected what was going on on the inside that affected me most. 

Have you or your wife spoken to her CNS and talked about how she is feeling. I wonder if there is any local support that she could access. There may be some counselling as well that she could access. The thing with having cancer is it takes away all your control and perhaps getting a little bit of that back and a bit of support in making herself feel better about the changes to her appearance will help. Just talking it through to others and just them acknowledging that it was a rubbish time helped me. I remember going in to have my radiotherapy planning appointment and was embarrassed about having my photo taken. I looked so bad, and so not like me. It's not necessarily about vanity, I found but about accepting how ill I was and how much it affected (temporarily) how I looked.

I will pop a link below that may be of interest.

A leading cancer support charity - Look Good Feel Better : Look Good Feel Better

I hope this may help a bit. I am no expert but am talking from my own experience. If there is anything else that you need please just ask. I wish you well and your wife with the rest of her treatment. 

Jane

hi jane thankyou for your kind words .my wifes a very quiet timid person anyway always has been .she does have a compression of the spine too which we are told they cant fix that ? its just the trying to get her out of the house /if she agreed to go to her next appointment id be the happiest man alive  but for some reason she has just shut down .she keeps looking at old photoes of how she used to look and  it s heartbreaking .weve been married for 43 yrs 

I do feel for you both as it is not easy for either of you. 43 years- wow. I am not sure about the compression of her spine as it is not something that I have had to deal with. I think the first step is speaking to her CNS or GP and explaining what is happening. I can understand how heart breaking it must feel. 

Have you spoken with the people she has the appointment or her CNS to see whether they could move her to a time where it is quieter or there are less people around. Is it possible that she could have a home visit appointment? On my chemo days because I was usually the last to leave they used to open the side door for me- although they did this as they didn't think I was fit enough to walk to the car park to meet family- it had the added bonus of not having to walk through the hospital buildings and seeing other people. 

I wonder if that would make her feel a bit more in control. I remember 1 day when I went in in an emergency and had to be taken to different depts for different tests- like chest x  rays and they insisted I went in a wheel chair- I hated it.

Do you drive? I am wondering about a first step of going for a short drive locally where she doesn't have to get out of the car but at least would get her out of the house. A friend did this for me after my first cycle of chemo- I wasn't well enough to do anything but just leaving the house made a difference. 

Another thought is would she maybe go out if she knew she would not see anyone , maybe later in the day or to an area where she won't bump into people. Am just trying to think what might make it feel a bit easier for her, whilst taking the steps needed to go to her hospital appointments. 

I am sorry you are both dealing with this, it must be such a worry

Jane

Hi. Spreader   Kevin here.    MM Patient undergoing chemotherapy.   1 st. Cycle.    Self esteem self preservation.  Are so individual.    Your wife must  feel pretty down at the moment. ( understatement I guess)    Are there close friends that can also talk with her to persuade her to visit for treatment?       Our close relationship with our partners does change trying to deal with the health issues and day to day life.     The book. A “ life on hold”. Helped me understand the journey I was about to start. And this vey group as helped me a lot.           I have set myself some high goals for when I kick this into remission.  One being to take my grandson to school on his first day        You as her carer also need some support       I am sure you want to be by her side on all visits.   Possibly that may be shared with another family member ?   On the odd occasion?      Treatment is tough on our bodies and the side effects some of the drugs used make our emotions change.     I have found having a few friends around in the back garden offers great support but  I will not allow discussion about my health.  It has to be about  what’s happening to them not to me    That actually lifts my spirits.   Kevin.  Good luck. Hope she can restart the treatment when she is ready to.