-Waves-

Good morning! Of course it’s okay fir you to be on here and you are very welcome. It’s great to hear that they removed your kidney and all went well.

That said, you have had a shock with the diagnosis in the first place and have had a major operation with lots of uncertainty thrown into the mix. I am sure that there will be many who feel like you have described, when what has happened sinks in.It’s good that you have said this as it will help others feeling the same to know that they are not alone.

Have you thought of phoning the macmillan helpline? They will be able to talk things though with you and may suggest some counselling.

Do keep posting so we know how you are getting on.

I have a question……do you eat the cookies as well as hoard them  

Take care, big hugs Jules x

Hi Cookiehoarder.  From what i've read and seen i think your post-op emotions are fairly common.  It appears that we cope fairly well whilst we are dealing with the challenge of getting rid of cancer.  It takes up a lot of our daily thoughts.  At the same time, there tends to be a good support group around us of medics, friends and family who all have out best interests at heart.  Post-op this situation changes.  The support system calms down and our "fight to survive" starts to reduce as we pull through that first important stage.  It's only when this happens that we start to really emotionally engage with what we have been through.  Whilst there was also an element of control and structure during the treament stage, post-op is less strucutured to what we do next.  I'm only at the stage of my first CT scan, which i am almost positive will show I have kidney cancer found on an Ultrasound test (and/or possibly pancreatic cancer which runs in the family) so I haven't experience this post-op emotion yet ... but I'm sure I will.  Look after yourself as you would with your best friend.  Pamper yourself and try to do things which bring you pleasure and joy.  Chris.

Hi CookieHoarder [fab name btw]

You wouldn't believe how many people come on here saying "I feel like a fraud", "I feel well", etc so welcome to the gang :-) It's quite a life event so it's not surprising you feel this way.  

Hi Jules!

Thank you so much for your kind words and comment. 
I appreciate your words, it's so nice to feel validated in how I feel. I am thinking I will contact Macmillan support actually. I'm hoping talking to someone will help me figure out my whirlwind of thoughts about it all!

Also, yes, I do eat the cookies - where do you think the hoard is? (it's in my stomach!)

You take care too!
- Cookie 

Hi CM1961

I think you've helped me figure out why I suddenly feel so fragile - for the majority of my friends and family, upon hearing that I was cancer-free they must all release that collectively held breath, and then try to forget about it all. For them it's over, right? For me, however, the reality is that it's still ongoing and i'm more emotional than ever.

I wish you well and I hope that whatever the CT scan shows is treatable in the least intrusive/invasive way possible.  And the same goes to you! Here's to us looking after and being kind to ourselves.
- Cookie

Hi Mmum,
Thank you for the validation in being here! I've had a lovely welcome, and feel much better knowing i'm not alone :) I should've come here months ago!
(Also thank you for the compliment!)

"Imposter"  that's the term people use.  I couldn't think of it earlier!

I can understand their reasoning to be fair! Like for me, I was told at the same time both that it WAS cancer and that the surgery had successfully removed it. I wasn't like that stereotypical stories of someone "battling cancer", where it's made out to be this big heroic and sometimes long-term thing.
In the blink of an eye im back to my "old" self with 1 less kidney and a big ol' scar to show off to people.
I think the issue comes from expectation vs. reality!

Thank you so much CookieHoarder.  It appears controlling your emotions is as big a challenge as the cancer itself.  I've had quite the experience of big challenges during my life, but I'm still not very good at it.  I sit here at 4:30am unable to get back to sleep ruminating over the CT scan results this evening.  I'm not too concerned about what happens to me, but I have a daughter with special needs that still needs my parental guidance and love. Don't know if this helps you but ... I often talk to friends about life being like the Aintree Grand National.  You spend large periods of time galloping on the flat, enjoying life, and then suddenly you face a huge hurdle to jump.  The hurdle looks massive as you approach it , you wonder if you can really jump over it and it takes a lot of effort to get over, but once you do, you're back on the flat and start to gallop along again and enjoy your life.  Obviously Cancer and it's many challenges are some of those hurdles, but there are beautiful pieces of flat ground beteen the hurdles which we need to enjoy.  Apologies if this all sounds nuts to you.  It helps me get the challenges and the enjoyment into some sort of perspective and structure.  Chris.