Hi again so I have squamous cell carnicoma,mouth cancer that has spread to my neck,the surgery plan is...left neck dissection,did say tracheosfomy but I have been told that won't be necessary,dental clearance,tumour dissection including rim resection of mandible,left radial firearm free flap.. Sooo that's a lot eh! I've read the process etc will not be reading it again lol because I totally conviced myself that I was having the surgery to die! Yes I completely freaked out to a point where I even told myself I wasn't doing it,anyway right now in my head in having it lol it took a while to convince myself and a lot of reassuring that I would not die,I feel really stupid and kinda ungrateful at the same time to,I'm lucky I have the opportunity for surgery where many haven't my own mum included,as I feel stupid because as if they're gonna waste their time doing something that would work,I am babbling yes I am,I am a babbler a great talker of twaddle and a chatterbox,and I am absolutely petrified of what's happening to me right now.....
I am so scared right now I'm literally crying trying to write this I have to be at the hospital for 7.30 tomorrow morning and I'm so scared I feel sick I really don't want to do this,I know I have to but I really don't want too I'm petrified again it's come back with a vengeance I'm guessing it's because the time has finally come,I'm so sorry guys I'm having a meltdown I've tried to be so positive then boom! I'm a mess again,I'm so sorry I just ended up on here crying and blabbing again I actually think it's made me feel better and I've worn myself out thinking the worse as usual but I have my small suitcase packed and everything in order not bad I guess for someone who doesn't want to go lol I guess,my head is literally all over the place,anyway I think I have calmed down a bit i know I'm still gonna cry but maybe it will help eh,I guess I'll be talking to you guys after my I'm now as it's tomorrow,now I'm repeating myself too lol,my day was planned pretty well just go around checking my check list lol so everything was in order for my stay away from home had to go to the hospital to sign a consent from so I can take diazepam tomorrow morning for my panic disorder otherwise I'll never make it their but I was all good,then the anaesthetist decided to go through every single piece of the operation all over again i told him I didn't need him too I knew exactly what was going to happen and he really didn't need to tell me again anyway that's what messed my head up going back to that awful place I was before thinking the worse all over again,so that was my day buggered but I am actually feeling a little better now lol yes I ha e lost the plot but hey ho I know I'm not alone 
Thank you peter,I literally cling on in to every piece of positive advice you offer I really do appreciate it,I've had a bad day today but now tomorrow is nearer to being dealt with as best I can,as soon as I am able I will message and say hi to all my fellow friends thank you
Hi Mandy
Good luck!
just reading your story, I’m not surprised you’re crying and scared, but I think your so very brave!
iv just been diagnosed and I’m so scared too… I freaked out having a MRI scan so imagine what I’m going to be like come surgery!
Just let the Doctors and nurses look after you.
your stronger than you think 
xx
