Personality changes

I would suggest that yes the absolutely brutal treatment he has undergone will have changed him physically AND emotionally. It's really only others that have walked this path themselves who can really relate to what your husband has gone through. I find myself envying others with a cancer that isn't as life changing as ours and I feel ashamed to admit that.

I think I'm probably the same sort of character as your hubby and have been humbled by this experience. 

I'm told that it takes a good while to recover to anywhere near pre-op lifestyle so try and be patient with him

Anthony x

Hello Beebop.

This sounds very difficult for you, particularly after all of the challenges that you will have supported your husband through since his diagnosis.

Through my work I've heard men talk about the difficulties that they've had dealing with major life changes, including serious illness, bereavement and job loss. It was hard for them to come to terms with their own vulnerability in a world where men often think they need to be strong, fearless and to look after and provide for their family.

My husband hasn't had the surgery as this wasn't an option for him. He has become calmer, more patient and more easily upset at tragic deaths like those in the German Christmas market. He was  needlessly apologetic about his symptoms and is now about the side effects of his treatment. 

These might be described as personality changes too which, like Bob suggests, are inevitable. Do you think your husband has depression? I wonder if he's had counselling? A friend of mine found counselling very helpful after his devastating treatment for throat cancer. 

Stay strong and, hopefully, in time, yor husband's bubbly side will return xxx

I agree with everything you said Lozza. In my own personal experience I couldn't have wished for better support from my (real) friends and my family which has been invaluable. BUT, and I reiterate this is my own experience, by far my biggest inspiration and encouragement has come from this community. Because it's only US that truly understands this journey we are on together.

And within this wonderful community not only have I found great support, advice and understanding I've also found a new friend for life. Thank you for being with me every step of the way Rich

Anthony x

I agree with all of the advice you have been given from the perspective of the patient. Your husband has faced his mortality and has bravely undergone life changing treatment. I also wonder from what you have written, if you are both on the same page in terms of optimism for the future. Seven months is very early to be confident that your husband is totally cancer free. We all hope that when cancer is not detected it means that but perhaps your husband is not as confident as you are? It may be worth exploring if he is troubled by the anxiety of recurrence and hesitant to discuss this with you. 

Hi,

All of the replies you have received so far are spot on. I guess it would be unrealistic to expect someone to go through the treatment path for this disease without being affected by it in some way. I began my treatment in December 2023 with surgery in February. 2024 will forever be a year that I will be unable to look back on without some chills running down my spine. This time last year, I spent many sleepless hours awake in the middle of the night contemplating that the upcoming Christmas could well be my last. During my stay in ICU after surgery, I had a complication whereby I was really struggling to breathe and was going to have to be knocked out and ventilated. They called my wife back up to the hospital before they did it and I can still remember lying in agony in bed and, in between desperate gasps for air, telling her “I don’t think I’m going to make it”. The thought of my time in ICU still brings me out in a sweat. I was offered counselling afterwards but turned it down as that’s not really me but I suppose it’s impossible to go through all of that without being affected by it in some way. I guess the passage of time, as the trauma of the whole thing recedes further into the past, will help alleviate those feelings and, as a generally positive person, I am determined not to allow the events of the last 12 months dictate my future. They say that time is a great healer and i hope that’s true for all of us who found our way to this wonderful community. Make plans for the future to give yourselves something to focus on. My wife and I managed to get away for a short cruise just before I started treatment last December. While onboard the ship, we decided to throw caution to the wind and booked a 31 night South American cruise for February 2025. It’s now less than 9 weeks away. That was the light at the end of the treatment tunnel. We’ve also booked a holiday for May 2025 and January 2026. We’re also planning in 2025 to make a permanent move to a cottage on the coast beside a long sandy beach. I always remember a quote from the film Shawshank Redemption - “get busy living or get busy dying”. I’m determined to do the former. Good luck to you both. CB

Beautiful sentiments CB 

bee hop im so sorry, sitting hear a little teary, as it describes me a lot and i havent had the pet scan yet xmas eve, results on 30th, and i sound exactly like your husband, before even any further treatment they have planned, have just gone inside my self, was so outgoing, loved organising things, loved being around people, unfortunately its hard at home for husband, felt so rough after chemoradiation finished end of november, not been up to much, and not much has happened as i havent done it.

so sorry you feel so cut off, i feel the same but as the person with the cancer.  my oncologist said you will never be the same again, yes yes, blah blah, how niave i was, all i can say is hang in there, us 2 are 30 years as well, and i have never felt so alone even when hes sitting 2 feet away from me.  was asked about xmas, i just want a cuddle and him to tell me its going to be crap but we'll do it some how together.  hes currently just left and gone for a drive, so here alone again.

im so hoping that it will change but as the guys have replied, this cancer takes away so much from you and your partner.  i know its just about riding through it, but christ its hard.  hope something changes for the better.

love and hugs  jules

Good morning Beebop

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. Andys timeline is the same as your husbands,  its been a tough year for us both as it's the worst thing watching our  loved ones suffering. 

Andy has been positive through his journey but has also changed he's always been quiet but now is a little more distant I read your post to Andy and the replies and he realises the changes in him too. 

Andy had complications with surgery and spent a month in hospital with a chyle leak I found myself feeling very lonely even though I have 2 wonderful daughters and great friends i was very lonely then found great support from everyone on this group who are on the same journey.

Stay strong for your husband (he needs this )

and remember its ok to cry ( I've certainly done my share).

I'm always here to listen. 

Much love ️ 

Vonn xx

Hi Beebop 

From my perspective as a supporter of my husband for the past two years since his treatment and surgery for OC .I remember on hearing the diagnosis my first thought ( second to the disbelief! )  was that life wouldn’t be the same again and neither would he . I worried about how he would  cope with the treatment , the life changes and what the outcome would be ? as realistically a person can’t possible go through an experience such as this and come through to the other side the same as before .Any type of cancer isn’t good but OC cancer in particular is a debilitating type  and even when the treatment is over and although it may be a positive looking outcome for some  ,it still leaves a legacy behind .Your husband has not only gone through the physical and mental trauma but he’s been left with the life changes and possibly the fear of a recurrence too .

I’ve known my husband for 45 yrs , he was always fun loving , outgoing and a very fit and active man for all of those years but since his illness he has had to slow down .He has changed in a lot of ways both physically and mentally and it’s taken a bit of adjustment and acceptance not only on his part but on mine too  .It’s not all negative as I think the whole experience taught us not to take anything for granted as it can happen to anyone regardless of lifestyle and age .It also changed our priorities in life too .We sold our family home of 34 years recently .A home where we brought our family up and we thought we would live there for the rest of our lives .We downsized , much to the surprise of everyone who knows us but we realised now that my husband has limitations the house would’ve become  hard to maintain and eventually become a financial drain .None of this would’ve happened if my husband hadn’t fallen ill .Not really what we wanted but it has turned out to be a good decision and we’re happy.

It’s quite common for anyone who goes through a traumatic time such as this to suffer from depression.My husband was prescribed meds as he developed a low mood during the first year of recovery .We found talking about his fears and feelings helped and our GP was very helpful too .

Seven months after surgery is a relatively short time , your husband is still healing in lots of ways .I don’t think any of us realise the impact this experience has until it lands on our own doorstep and I’m only speaking as a supporter , I still can’t imagine how it must feel for the sufferer .

Remember it is normal for you to have these feelings .and it’s good for you to talk about them .This group is here for just that reason 

Best wishes 

J 

Hi Beebop

I agree with Bilious Bob. This treatment is brutal and the diagnosis is a shock. It marks us, and you emotionally. 

Only those who have walked this path can truly understand, like Bilious Bob said. I experience this everyday at work or with friends. It makes it harder. Humbled? Yes, I guess this is the word for it. Also, life is fragile and strong at the same time.

I'm more timid than before when it comes to physical activity, maybe it's because I experience fatigue everyday. Some days more than others. 

Maybe it's because I'm alone. I don't know. 

I'm told that recovery takes a long time, I'm also told that the effects of chemo take years to abate. I guess we can only accept that and do what we can, a little bit more each time

Merry Christmas to you all