Newly Diagnosed - How and when to tell my son

Hi. Sorry you find yourself here. There is a book called mummy’s lump which my bcn told me about. 

Don’t feel like you have to tell him though, I didn’t tell my daughter although she was younger at 4 years old when I was diagnosed. I didn’t want to scare her or expose her to the cancer world. 

Hi  Footballmum  

I’m sorry you have had a diagnosis, but welcome to the forum! 

My son was older at 16 when I was diagnosed but also super sensitive and a natural worrier (even though he will pretend otherwise!) and about to do his GCSEs. I decided not to tell my children (I have an older daughter too) until I knew exactly what was happening and when and, to be honest, they took it much better than I anticipated.

I used lowkey language when talking to them saying things like “it’s just a little lump” and “they’ll take it out quickly, I’ll only be there for the day”. When I was going for radiotherapy I was “just popping out for a hospital appointment”. I also made sure to speak a lot about plans for the future so they knew I intended to be there. This wasn’t to shy away from cancer, but I believe children can be told a diluted version of the truth so they don’t worry unnecessarily. You may be surprised how many of your son’s friends have experienced something similar which will hopefully be reassuring. x

Thank you both for taking time to reply. I'll check out that book. I thought about not telling him, but worry he'll work it out and go to the worst case scenario. I like the idea of talking about future plans, etc and downplaying it as much as possible. 

Hi Footballmum 

Welcome to the forum. You should find plenty of support here as many people will have faced the question of what to tell their children and when. Mine were adults but it still wasn’t easy.  In my experience of nine year olds, they are pretty smart at picking up when something is wrong, so I would imagine it’s better to say something than not. The mummy’s lump book sounds a useful resource to use.

I’ve just had a similar diagnosis to you and have three kids - aged 14 (very sensible), 10 (bit emotional) and 7 (slightly anxious). I decided to tell the older two, but not the youngest - the 7 year old has a classmate who lost a parent to cancer very recently and given her slightly anxious nature I thought she wouldn’t take the news well at all. The older two I thought could handle it and i was right - they have taken it in their stride. I have been very matter of fact and reassuring but that is because I have a good prognosis and am not overly concerned myself. 

I’ve probably played it down a little too much actually. I was hoping for a bit more help round the house and perhaps doing what they’re asked first time, but alas, there’s been no change in their behaviour

I guess the point I am making is that only you know how well your kid can handle the information, and a lot of this will also depend on how you feel about your own prognosis too. In general I think it’s helpful for kids to see someone recover from a serious illness and understand that it’s just part of life. It’s a good lesson. 

Good luck with it all. Kids are often more resilient than we think they are 

He will definitely pick up something is going on, especially when my husband starts having to do more around the house for a bit !! Thank you for replying ️

It has been really helpful to hear about your experience with your kids Milknosugar Thank you for sharing xx

Hi, my daughter was 4 the first time I was diagnosed and 11 the second time, she is deeply anxious, has counselling, etc. I told her the truth, I needed chemo and mastectomy and recon the second time and was fully open about what was going on albeit I played down the aggressive nature of the cancer. This really worked for us because I said, I’ll always tell you the truth and you’ll know it from me. This way when people said a few thoughtless things, she didn’t panic because she was fully in the loop, it helped her to cope. Call MacMillan to talk through how to do it, they are really helpful. Above all, remember you know your child best and take advice but follow your own instincts. All the best x

Hello,,

I just want to say welcome to the club nobody really wants to join. 

Whilst my children are now adults (I just sent a message on our family group chat and suddenly both children / adults appeared for a cup of coffee but they are in their 30s) - a nine year old is different case!

However, I can relate in a way about telling young children really worrying / upsetting news and my experience.

This comes from decades ago when my two young children's Dad left home for work but didn't come home because he had a heart attack.  

With the help of my parents and friends we sat the children down and quietly explained that their Daddy wouldn't be coming home etc.

However a big step was to telephone the eldest child's school and make an appointment to go and urgently speak to her Headteacher and Form Teacher so the staff in charge of my little girl at school could give her the support she needed when she needed it if she became upset etc.

Informing your child's school of your diagnosis and treatment plan is very important.

Also ask your breast care nurse if she has leaflets and support books for explaining to your son what is happening to his Mum and how she has to go to hospital.

I wish you every good wish for your treatment - you will get through it - it is just a bit tough at first.

Gentle hugs to you and your son and family xx

Thanks for your reply Anna12345 . I'm sorry you've been in this position more than once. I definitely think I need to go down the being open route, so it's been helpful to hear how you did that. X