I am much older than you (73) and have 2 children both in their 40's.I told them when we had been to the breast clinic as my Consultant was sure that I had breast cancer (so much so that he said if the biopsies came back negative they would be done again !) He outlined the probable course of action but did say that it was subject to the the results post operation. See my profile if you wish.
You know your children best so I would advise you to go with your gut feeling . I know that isn't really advice but it is what I did. Sending you big hugs xxKwissy
I’m now 75 and my children, too, are in their 40’s. Years ago because of daughters illness we had all promised each other that we would tell all whenever concerned about an illness of any sort. So it was a no-brainer, I told our two right at the start and they took the day off work to come with me to get biopsy results and possible treatment plan. They were worried, perhaps as much as all, and arranged with the surgeon to ensure possible dates so they could plan to take turns to take care of me and hubs since he’s disabled.
After spending 8 years being ready to take care of daughter (I must have spent a fortune on the trains, and actually lived in her house and drove her car to and from hospital for a total of perhaps 3 months) she took her turn and stayed here for a week to take care of us!
i was fortunate in that I didn’t need chemo or rads, so it was just the mastectomy (with a repeat op 30 hours later as I had bled) to plan for.
My children were also slightly older.....35, 36 and 38 when I was diagnosed but as soon as I had the biopsy result back, we told them. My husband really needed their help at times as I didn't respond well to chemo but my 'men' were amazing. From the start they never panicked and simply assumed the treatment would cure me. A bigger problem was actually telling my parents who were in their very late eighties at the time. To them cancer was a death sentence and just the mention of the word terrified them. So we didn't use it.....I wasn't dishonest but told them the lumpectomy was to remove cells that would spread if left and be very dangerous. I was then able to say the chemo and radiotherapy was to stop the cells returning. I expect Dad guessed but never said....mum was just happy to believe that everything was being done to have a positive outcome. They got used to the side efffects and were actually visiting when I had emergency surgery on a chemo related back problem. Fortunately when my sister was diagnosed earlier this year, she was able to use the fact that I am fine to prepare them for her own op.
I think your children will probably deal well with your news. If you do get side effects from the treatments they should be able to understand the reasons and assist you if necessary.
I also had this dilemma. I think it is a very individual decision, depending on one's own feelings and attitude and whatever else is happening in the family at the time. And as Kwissy says it is also down to your gut feeling.You sort of know what is right for you and your family. My adult children (all in their 30s) have been through so much over the last year or so and Covid has seriously affected them all in unexpected and unprecedented ways, so I decided to wait until I had solid information. As a parent, I didn't want them going through the worry and 'what ifs" unnecessarily. I also had the dilemma of wanting to tell the younger two together - various personal reasons for this. I have only just told them now that all tests are complete and I know that surgery is the first line of treatment and I have a date for this.
I am happy that my husband now has someone to discuss his own feelings with. I firmly believe that this situation is perhaps worse for our families than for us. They don't want to worry us further with their own feelings and concerns, so if you have a close family they will support each other.
Good luck with telling your children and with your treatment.
HiPatsyP2, I agree with you that it is probably worse for family members than ourselves , we know how we feel and get over the shock in our own way often finding a strength we didn't know we had ! In these covid times they can only be with us for the initial diagnosis and plan of treatment -after that I went into the hospital to various departments alone. Our children and other family members spoke to him often and gave him support and opportunity to discuss my treatment.
I wish you well in your operation and any ongoing treatment. Sending hugs xx
Yes we do find the strength ourselves - & also we have lots of support from the medical community & from forums such as this. I have done all my appointments alone as I generally deal with things better that way - & my husband is the same, so he was happy to go along with what suited me. I do feel so much better now that he can speak to the kids & I know they will offer support. Otherwise he would just bury himself more & more in his work. And actually everyone knowing is such a relief to me. Hated telling them but it did lift a weight. Thanks for your good wishes.
Hi Louisewomble, I waited quite a while till I told mine. They knew I had a tumour and that it was gone but I wanted to wait for all my results, ct scans, whether I needed chemo etc. I felt I wanted to be able to give them all the information about what was going on and didn’t want them left with a lot of unanswered questions.
I was diagnosed in the Oct, (2 yrs ago yesterday actually) One of my daughters was doing her GCSE mock exams so I felt I wanted to wait. I had a mastectomy in October, lymph node clearance in the Nov and then it was Christmas and my younger two were 15 and 12 at the time I wasn’t telling them a few weeks before Christmas, so once New year was over and i decided to have chemo I sat them down individual and told them. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I wanted to be as honest with them as I could.
I was 21 when my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer, I was at uni at the time and she didn't tell me for a few weeks until I came home for a reading week. From then on I began to distrust every doctor's visit, and she had another cancer scare a few year's later and didn't tell me until after that she was cancer free. Again it's meant every ailment, if she doesn't seem right I have worked myself up and panicked she has cancer. Sadly in my mum's case, she now has incurable pancreatic cancer, but this time has vowed to tell me what's going on. I don't think I get the whole truth so my mind still works in overdrive.
But I think being really upfront and honest with them will help them, I know mum's just want to protect their kids, but unfortunately from cancer there isn't any protection. So making sure they know you'll keep them looped in whether good or bad will probably help calm their fears and let them navigate this a bit more easily. As my dad said to me 'this isn't just your mum's story, yes the cancer is happening to her, but this is all of our stories and we're all part of it, and we're in this together'
I hope you get good news from your tests, thinking of you.
