Betrayal

Easier said than done, but try not to over analyse things. Think how you would advise your daughter if she was in a similar situation?

A friend told me years ago that her husband watched porn and was on chat lines. Apparently they were open about it and she was fine with it. I told her I wouldn't be. She said that was my problem. I told her it's fine if they're both OK with it, but if one isn't ( ie me) then the problem is for BOTH of us. As far as I'm concerned we are in a mutually exclusive relationship (if that's the right term). We are married so I expect loyalty, honesty and mutual respect. I don't see ME as having/being the problem!!

It is a difficult situation for you and you're trying to save your marriage (the decision to try to save/not save your marriage is a tough onè - another example of your strength). Would you still be trying to save it if your daughter wasn't in the equation? All my questions are just for you to think about. Unfortunately there isn't a right/wrong decision here. 

But remember...BE KIND TO YOURSELF I'm glad you're having a pamper. Try your best to focus on yourself and happiness and not think about your husband ot marriage whilst pampering. Big hugs

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate this. 
you’re right both parties need to agree what’s acceptable otherwise there is distrust and disrespect. 
I guess I’m old fashioned in my thinking I married to be with one person. 
I do blame social media too it’s too easy to be led astray etc.. 

someone said to me in 20 years of marriage there are bound to be hiccups but it’s how you deal with them. thank you yes I will try not to think about things whilst I’m having some pampering. 

you’ve definitely given me questions to think about, thank you.

T x

Hi bearboo - unfortunately I could have written your reply myself. The porn sites were of very young women. Not illegal, but enough to give someone ‘the ick’. Like you, I felt ugly, worthless, and in my case, ashamed. I got rid. 

Hi Unloved24, I’m really sorry to read your post. But I’m also very sad that you have chosen your tag name. Of course you can choose anything you wish, but you are better than the one you have chosen. I hope that doesn’t cause offence. We are a kind, supportive group, and as such, no-one here is unloved.xx

Hiya, no I don’t take offence, you’re right , I was just in a bad way last night. 
Re your other message I I felt like I was kicked in the stomach when I saw the pictures and messages and his well worded profile. 
he got a new phone and thought he had transferred everything over and left the old one at home then I heard the notifications so obviously looked. I’m a bit of a miss marple lol so I kept find more stuff. Some were middle aged women married too. 
yes hard to take it in. Unfortunately I tortured myself by looking again and again as I took screenshots. 
I know crazy right?!

T x

Not crazy. I would do exactly what you did because I'm just like you. Plus I'm the jealous type. I've been once in a similar situation in my late 20s and I still feel bad every time I think about it. I only wish I loved myself better then and I now know I should have ended it much sooner than I did out of self respect. You said you loved your husband - love yourself more and do it for your daughter too. She must see how strong you are regardless of what she knows or doesn't know, kids are smart and they can really feel when something is not right. Sorry for my strong opinions but what your husband did to you made me angry. Much love and a big hug,

Lana xx

Hi

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately I don't have advice as I have a dilemma of my own.

Two days before I was given my cancer diagnosis back in March I found WhatsApp messages on my husband's phone. Bottom line he said he had some odd random message come up asking if he wanted in bound or out bound...being a bit naive I wasn't sure what that meant. Anyway he entered into a brief convo with what was possibly a bot asked for address but didn't go any further. Just the actually communicating was enough to anger/ upset me.

My diagnosis obvs took priority but now after mastectomy and treatment it's haunting me again.

I feel horrible about myself, hate the new me and feel let down by my husband, who hasn't been near me in an affectionate or sexual way well if I'm being honest even before my surgery 

Today I found out he's been searching for sex cams, I feel so hurt and less of a woman! What's worse is he won't discuss the issues and I just feel worse and worse  

I know I need to get this out and explain, once again, this behaviour isn't acceptable. It's not that I'm a prude, it's that in a marriage if one person is not comfortable with what the other does they should be listened to.

When I discussed all this with a friend she said don't make rash decisions about my marriage while going through what I am, but how long should I leave it. I want to be listened to and respected. Bottom line, I already know what I should do.

I wish you all the best and do what's right for you 

Remember,you're stronger than you think

I think that you are behaving in a very normal way,  and if be tempted to take the screenshots as well, as evidence if needed in the future.  I guess it depends if and how he replies to these women after being found out. 

You sound lovely,  as well as kind and thoughtful, and a loving partner would be there for you through your treatment. It will take time to trust him again,  if he has actually decided to change. That's normal. If he hasn't,  then he has a child to support until she's 18, and the courts will not look kindly on him for what he's done,  so you will have support at least financially. 

Hello everyone,

I'm Eliza from the Community team at Macmillan. I just want to share some additional resources and support as I can see several members in this discussion may be coping with a lot just now.

Please remember you can contact our Support Line to talk through your situation and access further support from Macmillan. Our support team are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat. Our Support Line offers confidential support and they're here to listen.

Macmillan also has a booklet Cancer and relationships with further support and information.

Relate are a UK charity which specialises in supporting people around relationships. They may be able to help you find further support to help you navigate your feelings. You can find out how to talk to someone at Relate here on their website.

We hope you feel able to find the right support for you during this time. We hope as well that the Online Community is helping you to not feel alone in what you're going through. If you need any further support from the Community team or have any questions, please remember you can reach out to us over email to community@macmillan.org.uk. 

Best wishes,

Hiya

im so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, hope you’re ok. 
there is no right time for someone to stray but when something as important as your diagnosis happens it’s worse. I think the same he needs to be there to support you. First things is get through now with family or friends. 
I think looking back because I knew how unsupportive he was I went to get my biopsy and results on my own then told him later. Back then I was a bit hard I guess. 
Some men use it as an excuse when they’re getting attention especially when it’s from someone different.. it’s hard but you need to let the doctors do their thing. 
im sorry for how you are feeling, i spent most of yesterday crying and nothing helped then today im trying not to think. I wish I had a magic pill for you and me. Yes definitely don’t make rash decisions. 

we all have history and there will always be old school friends, colleagues etc but it’s how we handle it. Respect should be there. 

at the councillors he was asked how do you feel about how your wife is feeling after I broke down, all he could say was awful.. I thought really?! Only word came to mind, what a joke!! He’s behaving like a child. 

I hope you’re ok 

T xx