Hello,
Im very early on in my cancer journey. I don’t even have my full diagnosis yet but as my breast cancer is already in my liver, pelvis and thigh and bone marrow I was admitted last week as symptoms were debilitating. Since coming in to hospital the care and communication has been atrocious. Everything is now slowing down and only junior Drs are occasionally coming to see me. Yesterday one gave me the wrong info and told me if my platelets down go up I can’t continue with chemo (I’ve had one session so far). As if basically there is nothing they can do. Then he back tracked.
you can imagine how difficult that was to go through. I’ve not been talked through anything, no positives no prognosis. The hospital is busy and the other care needs on the ward are high. I’m up all night being interrupted by people moaning and vomiting. The toilet on the bay is broken and no one has come to fix it.
this is the longest I’ve been away from my children. I do have a history of depression and suicidal ideation. I can turn very quickly. I feel it would be better to give up now so I don’t put them through much else. I just want to go home and recover there between appointments. I have full support at home. But there is no one to speak to here, even the nurses don’t ask how I am. I don’t know what to do.
Im at Charing Cross hospital in London
I am sorry this is all so difficult. Hospitals are not easy places at the best of time and it’s quite common to be in shared rooms with people who are in a lot of difficulty. It’s really unpleasant to be in amongst all the chaos and poor communication when you are trying to get a grip on the extent of disease you have. I think the doctor who told you that you can’t continue with chemo may have been trying to tell you that you can’t have the next infusion until your bloods are in range. It’s too dangerous to do so when your blood counts are too low.
It sounds like you need immediate help with your mental health. Tell the next nurse or doctor you see exactly how you feel and that you need to see a doctor senior enough to help you. They need to know you are in crisis. They also need to explain what has to happen before you can go home and ensure there’s an understood pathway.
I would think carefully about asking for a prognosis. Once you have heard something you can’t unhear it, and you are already aware the cancer is in multiple sites. The reality is they won’t have an accurate view and the task is to get your symptoms under control and improve your quality of life.
I hope things improve a little for you. I am sure it wouldn’t be better for your family if you gave up now.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
My name is Dylan, and I work in the Online Community Team here at Macmillan.
I’m very sorry to hear that you have breast cancer that has spread to other parts of your body. It also sounds like you’ve been having an awful experience in hospital, and I’m sorry that you’ve been left feeling so unsupported during such a difficult time.
You’ve shared that you have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts, and that you’re now feeling that it would be better to give up. Please don’t feel that you have to go through any of this alone.
moomy and Coddfish have included some great signposts in their replies. I would also really encourage you to tell one of the nurses or doctors caring for you how you’re feeling, including the thoughts of suicide you’ve mentioned here. As you’re currently in hospital, your care team can help make sure you get the support you need.
I also believe Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust has a liaison psychiatry service at Charing Cross Hospital that provides mental health support to inpatients. You can find more information here: Psychiatry services at Charing Cross Hospital.
I hope you’re able to get some support around you soon. Please keep talking to the people caring for you about how you’re feeling.
Best wishes,
Dylan
Macmillan's Online Community Team
That sounds like a good set of developments Metastaticmum It is the case that you just have to keep pressing for what you need. Glad you are seeing a psychiatrist and also getting a PET/CT scan.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
