They don’t understand

Hi, I just want to send you a gentle hug for a start.

I think the problem is your husband, whilst watching you battle cancer along with it's many treatments etc, has not actually personally (ie himself) sat and listened to a Consultant telling him that he has cancer and set out what mountain if treatments he has to battle through in order to be able to get out of bed in a morning and be able to face a new day.

He has absolutely no idea of how tough it is mentally to be a cancer patient and know that despite surviving treatments - you have that troubling thought "has it really gone?  Or, am I really cured but it might come back?

Only those who have looked Cancer straight in the eye and accepted it's challenge and gone into battle really understand how a cancer patient feels - especially if the patient is female and has undergone surgery because once you have surgery a part of who you are is changed dramatically and you have the added challenge of getting used to seeing the new you in the mirror.

I think because your husband does not actually understand the effect being a cancer patient has on you - he is scared because he thinks he is losing you

I don't mean physically - I think he is scared that because of the wellbeing groups, maybe check ups and appointments - he thinks you have lost how you feel about him.  Essentially he feels the doesn't matter in your life.

Maybe, if possible, can you contact your breast care nurse or support worker and talk to them about what has happened in the argument and the build up to it?

Or maybe phone Macmillans Helpline and talk things through with one of their advisors (also see if your husband will phone Macmillan Helpline too - they talk to family members as well about what is happening.

Do you have brothers, sisters or friends to go and talk to?  Perhaps also see if you and your husband can go out somewhere for a drink / meal with someone who can mediare and quietly talk through how you are both feeling.

I am a widow so I do not have the problem you are facing because I don't have "a husband / partner" but I have tried to understand how you both are feeling.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day but you both need to be able to talk about your feelings quietly otherwise it is all going to fester 

I wish you good luck and again send gentle hugs xx

Hi. I agree whole heartedly with Rusty's advice on what is happening to you both. 

As you see this is my third time facing BC and my husband and I have learnt a great deal about each other in the process. You have to remember they are hurting too and are in need of therapy just as much as you. 

One thing I learnt this time was to check on how the OH was feeling too. I didn't do it at home though. We regularly go into the local Spoons for lunch. Gives us a break from cooking, I adore their wings and it is cheap as chips, cheaper than a take away these days.. It is also a great place I found for proper conversations. Emotions have to be kept under control and there are no distractions. I didn't ask difficult questions every time, but after key appointments it worked well. 

Have a breather from last night but don't walk away yet. Cancer needs to be faced by everyone involved and your husband is definitely involved. 

I wrote my reply to you at silly o'clock in the morning and couldn't think of the right word when I talked about going somewhere for a meal for a drink - what I was trying to say is - go out to somewhere neutral where you both cannot lose control of your emotions and you have to remain calm.  That way you can both quietly take it in turns to ask questions and talk calmly.

Gentle hugs x