Support (or lack thereof)!

Hi Pollyanna6e1125 

Sorry you’re feeling unsupported by your husband. There have been threads on this subject here but I’m not sure how you’d find them. I’m sure there will be others who have felt this way and at least by replying to you it will bump your thread back up to the top. 
It might also be good to phone the lovely folk here at MacMillan. They offer all sorts of advice and support. 
Sending love and a big virtual hug your way, HFxxxx

Hi there, what other treatment is planned for you? the first thing I do when the fella has a wobble, is work out what I have to do, like appointments and anything I need help with and start to plan who can help me instead. Just so I'm not held to ransom, and I can let him stew for as long as it takes. I'm not running after him to make him feel better when I'm going through this. I, like you, make sure I say thanks for the help and appreate everything. But he is disconnected emotionally from the situation. I can talk to him, and he cooks for me. I did show him your message and been a man's man he finds is hard to say how he feels and would rather course an argument to get his frustration out than sit and say he's worried about me. Maybe your fella is having a bit of a wobble and is overwhelmed with the situation and can't cope with how things need to change, that he now needs to step up and do more for you. There is nothing you can do. I'm a big fan of the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And just wait till he wants his home cooked meal, then say oh I thought I didn't appreciate you and since you were sleeping on your own you would want to eat your own food . But then I am stubborn and sarcastic. Hope it works out for you. Xxxxxxxxx

P.s. go spread out in your double bed all to yourself. 

Hi.

Yesterday I was at my daughter's for her 40 th birthday brunch and my OH said something about his phone. My daughter laughed and asked who was he needing to ring everyone he rang was in that room. They are his back up his support group. He doesn't have a friend of 47 years. Or a friend who will literally drop everything if I so much as hint at needing some back up. The new friend made through the Look Good Feel great.

Who does your OH have? You said " I'm in it for the long hall" but so it he. My husband and I have been together for 47 years. The first time I had BC we were on a very bad patch and the level of support was very limited.You could say he's learnt over the years to support me better. Perhaps I've learnt that it works both ways. I try to remember to ask him how he's feeling and if he would like a drink making. I'm no spring chicken and he's older than me. He is fit but he gets tired too. Every now and then he has a wobble too but unlike me he doesn't have an independent back up crew. He could contact McMillan but the chances of him doing that are slim to none. He has me so I have to be there when he does.

Being married for 47 years takes hard work, tolerance and good communication. That's just a few of the things. Getting you both through BC will take more of the same and then some. We all need a rant and most women have a safe space to do this but do the men? Your OH obviously needs a bit of space and a time out. Tonight put a hot water bottle in his bed. Most importantly talk. It is the only way to get through these things. 

A good place for us to talk is over lunch at spoons. Being in public place ensures calm.

Meanwhile like Louise says enjoy the space in the bed.!

Thank you for your kind response, HappyFeet1, and bumping my post up again.

Thankfully, I am supported by the wonderful folk at Macmillan, I was assigned a counselor just after I was diagnosed (I’m in Jersey, and our Health Department give them a grant for such services), and she has been a godsend.

Thank you for the love and virtual hug, both much appreciated.

Pollyanna x

Hi Louise53,

Thanks for your kind response and advice.  I’d never heard of the ‘Let Them’ Theory but I looked it up this afternoon and I get the idea.

Does your partner come round if you let him stew?  Mine (mostly) doesn’t, I’ve often thought he could sulk for England!  And it’s good that you can show him a post such as mine, I couldn’t do that, my husband would see it as some sort of betrayal that I would post such a thing, even though neither he nor I could actually be identified, and I only did it because I need a bit of support due to his behavior.

Anyway, there are always bonuses in this life, so yes, I did take up the whole bed last night.  Long may it continue!

Pollyanna x

Hi Pollyanna, yeah he would come round slowly, it would start with him doing me a cup of tea hahaha. Just make sure you look after yourself and your mental health, because that's what is needed to get through this. I listened to the let them theory on audible but she has a podcast too. The Macmillan team might be able to refer you to the someone like me program, where they match you up with some who has been through the same as you but has recovered. And they call you for a chat once a week. I did it for a bit it was a great help too. Plus when I'm feeling ok I go to my local cancer cafe chat group. He doesn't come with me to anything like that but I need it to help myself get through this. I say yes to anything they offer me because of the lack of emotional support at home. That's what I mean by taking care of yourself. I love that you enjoyed the bed, that made me smile. Well done. 

Xxxxxx

Hi Louise53,

Thanks for your response.  Bizarrely, it’s my physiotherapist that (presently), gives me the most support, how odd is that?  I’ve been seeing her since just after my lumpectomy in September, as I had extensive cording, down past the elbow, which needed to be eased before radiotherapy could take place.  I’m still seeing her, as the radiotherapy has knacked my shoulder (I had radiation ‘burns’ all the way through, from the breast to the shoulder, no one tells you about this!).  She’s only ‘5 minutes old’, so under 40, and more on my wavelength than either my husband or my children.  One daughter hasn’t asked how I’m getting on since 5th December.  Such is life!  

Hi Silverberg,

I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this three times, most of us are struggling with one time!  I too have thought, what did I do, but I fear the answer is nothing, just bad luck.  My husband doesn’t have a support crew (just me).  We are both only children, parents deceased (apart from my Mum, who turns 101 in 5 weeks, but has dementia), two daughters, one of whom hasn’t asked how I am since 5th December.  I don’t expect them to ask on a daily basis, but once every ten days would be nice.  Am I expecting too much?  Probably, who knows?  I didn’t put a hot water bottle in his bed, because he’d already decided he wanted to come back into our bed, (a bigger and more comfortable one, funny that), but thanks for the suggestion, I get it that support must go both ways.

Hi, I don't know yet if I am restarting my journey or not (I am having investigations into a possible second cancer next week).  However I just want to say that I have a son and a daughter but I am a widow.  The only men in my life are my son and future son in law.  I get on alright with future son in law and he gives me the occasional supportive cuddle but is embarrassed to offer support.  My son on the other hand says absolutely nothing at all about my situation.  He never gives or allows me a cuddle.  The last cuddle I ever had from him was when my Mum died.  I know he hates showing any emotions and tries to be brave and positive / joke about life if he can.  So perhaps your husband is the same..  

When my late Mum was seriously ill after her cancer op (she also had a heart issue and was on blood thinners), my Dad never ever talked to anybody about how worried he was or what was happening.  I loved over 50 miles from my parents and had to drive over to check on him and Mum.  My Dad told me I was wasting time and petrol but when I visited Mum I discovered she was in ICU because of her blood thinners!

Perhaps your husband doesn't like to show any feelings about your situation like my Dad and my son?

Maybe you need to see if he will go to your GP or next hospital appointment to talk through both your feelings about what you are dealing with.  Big gentle hugs to you, you can get through this!  Xx

Hi there, i am sorry you are not feeling supported. i can totally relate to this.   i am 3 months into my immunotherapy treatment and just awaiitng results of my first scan. so feeling very anxious about it all.     My husband hasnt supported me since we sat in the hospital and took the final diagnosis and treatment plan 3 months ago. he didnt even hug me. said nothing and has ignored me since. we live in seperate rooms since. he had some sort of breakdown and went to his family but instead of them supporting him he span it like i had upset him and they took his side.  hes happy as he has isolated me further. it hurts.   luckily i have my own family and friends who offer me support and love.