Do we tell before or after trip. **** UPDATE****

Hi.

My son was deployed in Afghanistan when I was diagnosed for the first time. I didn't know whether to tell him or wait till he got home. I spoke to an RAF chaplin for his advice. He said he knew that service personnel wanted to know what was going on back home. He arranged for me to speak to my son and he was right.

I have a daughter too and we told them both each time. One of the things she has  said was " We are grown ups now. We don't need protecting. "

Is it really your choice or it is your Mums? You may want to protect your daughter but will that be fair on your Mum? She may need all your support while you are away. How does she feel?

Why not speak to the people at Mcmillan people but overall nobody likes secrets of any sorts.

Sending hugs and best wishes.

Nobody else should make this decision for you but if you are asking for opinions this is what I think.  As it's so close and it's only a short trip - what harm can it do to wait. If your daughter is anxious she will be worried and you will end up talking about the cancer most of the trip. For you mum -  if she isn't talking about it, the trip will do her good and take her mind off it - she can talk to you quietly if she needs to. I found out in June and my parents were away - I waited a week til they were back to tell them as I didn't want to spoil their holiday and it did no harm. I didn't like not telling them but I felt it was the right thing for them and me.  XXX

• Hi thank you so much for your reply. Mum doesn’t want to tell her before the trip. She says she would hate for it to put a shadow against the trip. But obviously worried about mum getting upset whilst away. She has me to talk to quietly if she needs to. It’s a hard one as is it my choice when we tell her or my mums? I feel so torn between my mums best interests and protecting my daughter. All this whilst we are all grieving my dad.  Big hugs to you.  Xx 

Thank you for your reply. Did your parents feel upset that you didn’t tell them straight away? My grandsons will be on this trip as well plus my son in law.  I just want to do what’s right for my mum and my daughter. We are all still grieving my dad. We are taking some of his ashes with us. I’m feeling so scared for my mum it’s really all a blur as we only found out Friday for sure. Big hugs to you. Xx 

Hi there. No my parents totally understood and were fine about it. I didn't tell anyone else in the meantime apart from my husband/daughter and sister who I am very close to. 

One thing that happened a long time ago which I was upset about was when my grandma died back in 1999 I was on holiday with 2 friend in Spain and I was 19. My grandma who I was close to died suddenly of a heart attack. My parents didn't want to ruin my holiday so they didn't tell me until they picked me up from the airport and I had missed the funeral. I was upset and annoyed with them but as time went on I understood. 

I think the only risk is that you mum gets upset when away and blurts it out - but if she does, she does. If she is sad your daughter shouldn't suspect anything as you are all still mourning your dad/grandad. 

With regards to the diagnosis - I was diagnosed with grade 3 IDC in June and I have had 2 surgeries and half way through chemo (which is not as bad as I expected) - I have radiotherapy next and then targeted and hormone therapy with bone infusions.   

I must say the early days where you don't know the plan are horrible times and you feel like you are waiting for infinity - but it gets easier once you know the score. It's very likely you mum will get through this and much easier than she thinks. 

I was 44 when I got diagnosed in June so they are throwing everything at me. 

I hope you make the decision that feels right for your family. xxx

***** UPDATE*****

so we decided not to tell my daughter and we went to New York. We all had the best time. I kept a watchful eye over my mum who was absolutely brilliant.  We had a few quiet tears but a lot of that was because my dad who we lost 11 months ago was missing.  
we told my daughter the day after we got back. We had tears but both my daughter and son in law were so grateful we didn’t tell them before the trip. There was no anger from them. 

now we are waiting for a date for Mums surgery not sure yet if she is having a lumpectomy or mastectomy. Who decides that mum or the surgeon? She has had her pre assessment to see if she is fit for surgery as she has heart problems. We have an appointment tomorrow at the breast clinic. She just wants it out as soon as possible. 

thank you to all who gave me advice. It’s so much appreciated. 

So glad everyone was ok with your decision. 

I was told by my surgeon that he was going to do a lumpectomy. I wasn't given a choice but I know from what I have read on here - many people are given a choice. 

Hopefully you will be able to ask questions tomorrow.  They lumpectomy wasn't a big op - and recovery was straight forward - only issue was they didn't get clear margins and I needed a second op.  A mastectomy would have avoided that but it's a bigger op with longer recovery.  It depends on the size and location of the tumor. 

Thank you for your reply. How are you doing now ? They never discussed a mastectomy with mum but they call her straight after the biopsy results appointment and said they should have done. Hopefully they will answer our concerns tomorrow. Mum is 78 and very under weight. 7 stone 1 but 5 foot 4 inches tall. With her heart issues as well. I’m worried how she will cope with major surgery. But obviously if by removing the breast it will mean they get it all that must be the best option. 

My understanding is that if they can remove the tumor and still save most of the breast they will do lumpectomy. Is it just one tumor? How big is it? The consultant will know the pros and cons of each and will probably discuss with you tomorrow. I had IDC grade 3 too and my tumor was 4cm. I am a size 10 and 34C cup - and I initially thought I would have to have mastectomy but because the tumor was in a good location my surgeon was able to successfully undertake a lumpectomy. They took 3 lymph nodes too even though there was nothing showing on scans - so they will likely do this with your mum. I just had a small amount in the first lymph node. They will inject blue dye into her before the op. 

I have had 4 chemos now and just 2 more to go - done by end of December

Mums is 2cm IDC grade 3. They have said the same about 3 lymph nodes although nothing showing there.  She will have the blue dye the day before. It’s just one tumour. Did they stage it after the lumpectomy? 

How has the chemo been? I’m worried for mum if she has to have chemo as there is so little of her and she barely eats at the best of times.  

wishing you all the best and thank you so much for taking the time to respond.