I’m struggling to stay positive as when I went back for the results of my surgery, I’ve been told that I need to go back for more surgery as cancer was found in the one lymph node the surgeon took. At first I was more bothered about going back for more surgery as I was just really getting more mobile and felt like I was getting my independence back but now I am more worried about he reality of having cancer in my lymph nodes. I’ve now moved from a stage 1 to a stage 2. What if the next lot of results mean I am a stage 3 (it’s spread elsewhere) or worse a stage 4. My surgeon said she’s still treating it as treatable for now but will let me know if that changes (that doesn’t sound positive). Results so far also suggest I am triple negative but she said she will confirm that with the next lot of results.
I am also irrationally irritated by things. My lovely friend who sat with me during both results I found to be irritating with her questions and upbeat attitude. I felt she wasn’t giving me time to absorb the news and ask my own questions. She was only taking her cue from me on how I was during my first meeting and I was ok with that. I now don’t want her at my next results meeting if I am honest or for her to take me and pick me up from my next surgery. It’s completely unfair and I know it’s displacement for my own feelings. I feel so guilty but can’t shake the feeling.
I also stupidly can’t stop thinking about NYE. It’s just a day, I usually avoid celebrating it anyway but wonder if staying in on my own, dreading the new year coming in with all it means for surgery, results and treatment looming is wise. I wonder how everyone else gets through it?
