Hi there, this is the first time that I have made a post or comment on this blog. I do however read a lot of the discussions and have found them to be really helpful. I am needing some much needed advice and help please. In dec 2020 I was diagnosed with invasive ductal breast cancer Er+ve/Pr+ve, spread to 2 lymph nodes and lymph-vascular invasion also, I was 49. I had found the lump 3 weeks after starting HRT after a hysterectomy 2019. Got the operation, then chemo then radiotherapy and started on Letrazole. Since being on Letrazole I have encountered quite a lot of side effects. I have tried so hard to get on with it but eventually the side effects made it so intolerable that I had to stop it 6 weeks ago. Side effects - stiff ankles, knees and hips, painful knuckle in fingers. Vaginal dryness. Dry eye, blepharitis etc, ended up with ulcer on eye and then told I have cataracts which all of these due to tetrazole. I now take eye drops and do daily eyecare. But after an episode with my eye I discovered that my blood pressure was really high, this is also a side effect of the tablet. After realising my GP wasn't going to address the high bp, I stopped the tablet and contacted breast cancer team. I had a telephone consultation arranged for 3weeks after this and was advised to start on Tamoxifen. The vaginal dryness has been an issue which has got worse over the past year and since the past year I have been in consultation with GP and gynaecology and also cancer team with regards this. It isn't just dryness but also scar tissue that is causing extreme pain and bleeding at entrance (sorry for tmi). Each of them giving me their advice. I have tried every non hormonal moisturisers advised, lots of lubricants. I even have instillagel local anaesthetic gel to use as its now to painful to have sex without it. So as you can imagine, me and hubby haven't exactly been having a very good sex life. My husband is quite a quiet person, he isn't lovey dovey and during sex is the only time I feel a closeness to him. And because he knows I am in pain, he is reluctant to initiate sex. Therefore we both have got ourselves into a bit of a rut over the past 6 months. My husband is my first and only love and he has been amazing throughout this journey. He has known how hard I have been trying to see specialists, try different moisturisers etc. using instillagel. He also knows that I am working hard researching how safe it would be for me to use ovestin cream and ultimately resume our sex lives again. Over the past 6 months I have noticed a change in him. He doesn't seem to be the same lovely easy to get along with man. He was never crude or disrespectful of women. He is very snappy and argumentative with me and it is like he is trying to start an argument. I have spoke to him numerous times, asking him what is wrong, have I done something, and reiterating to him that Im trying my hardest. We have found ourselves unable to have a successful evening out for dinner etc as it always seems to end up in an argument or me noticing him learing too long at a woman and him saying something when he's looking at the couple - "he's punching eh", I am sitting right there, across the table from him at dinner and he can't even compliment me on how I look but he has time time and interest to comment on other people. So therefore that ruins that outing and we go home not talking and Im feeling even worse about my body image/wound and short hair. I have been noticing how protective he is of his phone, and if I ask him for a loan of it for instance, then he's hanging over the top of me to get it back. When I walk into a room where he is I can quickly hear the home screen on the phone closing. I don't have social media but hubby and sons do and they keep me unto date with anything they think I need to know. Anyway about 4 weeks ago I went onto my hubby's facebook page and he was being inundated with "suggested for you" pages which were of very scantily clad sexy women. There were too many for this to be random. I asked him about it and he said its just something that's been happening but it was nothing to do with him. But I wasn't convinced and I ended up looking to see if I could see anything in the activity, which I didn't even know you could do. I was shocked to see that he had been liking women's raunchy video's. And also that he had been looking at these facebook reels, one after another for the past 6 months. I didn't even know this was possible on facebook, I have been so naive and trusting, I never thought that he would be watching this especially at this time and what we have been through. The video reels are short, all of similar content, young women wearing nearly nothing, dancing provocatively or pretending that they are going to bare all to tease the viewer. To think that my husband has been looking at these women with a hope of seeing more of that person breaks my heart. One of the most upsetting things for me is that the vast majority are touching their "perfect" breasts and gyrating up and down bouncing them up and down. Knowing that I feel self conscious about my scar and my image now, I find this so so hurtful. Every couple are entitled to watch and do whatever floats their boat but this hasn't been what me and my husband have done in the past. I feel that he has been keeping a secrets from me. He says he's sorry but the lack of sex has been difficult and he thinks that they are harmless. I certainly don't think they are harmless. Some may feel that I am over exaggerating but I now feel that my marriage has had a hand grenade placed under it. I am crazy in love with him but the bond and trust that I had with him has imploded. I am desperately trying to work out all of this, wondering why didn't he come to me and say " Im struggling, I need a cuddle etc" of course I would have done anything to avoid what has happened and the hurt that has been caused. So I thought that when I got my diagnosis that it would have brought us closer together but it seems to have pushed us both apart. Im devastated as I truly know that in my heart, whatever happens in the future, I will never forget this. Intimacy would never be the same as I am going to see these women in my mind thinking that is what my husband really desires, not me. I had a consultation with a menopause specialist that Macmillan had advised me to do, they have gave me some information on moisturisers etc and also suggested that overton cream would be safe now as on taxmoifen, ironic thing is that I now think that its now to late. Has anyone had any similar experiences after the diagnosis that would help me make sense of this? Many thanks S
