The response I hate the most when I tell people I have cancer

Hi , 

I totally understand you - I do, as most of us on here will understand to.

I have just replied to a post called "Odd comment" - it more or less relates to what you are saying....

Hopefully this link will take you there.....

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/chat-breast-cancer/f/breast-cancer-forum/238518/odd-comment/1725774#1725774

You really aren't alone - sending love and hugs xx

Hi Missy, people's responses can be really strange. I told staff at work when first diagnosed and have had some really lovely responses such as a hug, and things like "fingers crossed" and "thinking of you" but there are some people who just don't know what to say and so disappear when they see me coming. Mostly, this makes me laugh.

The response I most dislike is the people who say nothing to me but tell someone else to tell me they hope everything works out ok. Someone said this to my step daughter and I asked her why he hasn't said it to me and the answer was that he didn't want to upset me. 

I'm lucky in that I have some friends and family who will listen when I need to talk and understand how tough this is, hope you have got some of those people around for you too.

I really DON'T have any friends because my entire life has been "relationship" oriented.

And me and my last partner broke up 3 months ago after 7 years and he does not even know I have cancer.

I am having a HARD TIME not contacting him because HE WAS MY LIFE.

If I were to be honest I would say I think MY CANCER came from a broken heart. 

We lived together 2 years...the last 5 we were trying to work on things...but we were the type ....if we weren't together all the time....it wouldn't work.

My youngest son (33) now started to have seizures and had to move home. I told my X boyfriend that I would only let my son stay with us a certain amount of time and then I changed it to....he is staying as long as HE NEEDS TO.

My boyfriend wanted a simple life....walking around in his skids...staying up all hours if he wanted to...and my son was a thorn in his routines....So, I asked my BOYFRIEND to move out because instead of leaving himself he was just making everything mimserable around here...trying to get my SON to leave.

I didn't want to CHOSE but I HAD to and I chose my son....but my heart has been broken ever since and for 5  years I sat here...on disability (with dementia) crying, pinning for him, drinking alcohol etc....he kept coming back, taking me out...etc.

I finally realized 3 months ago....it wasn't working for me....and if he didn't move back in...I couldn't see him anymore....so he didn't want to move in with my son here...and I have been broken...realizing THEN he didn't REALLY LOVE ME as much as I loved him.

Short story: I blame my Cancer on Heartbreak and Loneliness. 

I think people just don't know what to say and  to be fair with the up and down emotions sometimes the same will be good or bad.

I didn't want to anyone to know at first (7 months ago).  I  wrongly agreed that my manager could  tell my immediate team so they would know why I was missing and I made it clear that it was need to know only. Someone from that team soon blabbed  ' the latest gossip' and I can never forgive her.  Its far and wide across the organisation now and to other people I know indirectly related. It makes me angry that people can think it's the latest gossip when someone has had such a catastrophic diagnosis. 

All these comments and indiscretions can make us angry but what the hell, why waste energy on these people , we need to take control, and put ourselves first and remember the people who have supported us. 

Thank goodness for the women in this forum

Xxx

Hi Bobbiboo

I totally agree with you. People are strange when it comes to emotion and the right words to say. I don't feel people do it intionally they are just awkward. I let it go over my head, but to be fair most people have been good along the way. I just stay as positive as I can and put all my energy into me feeling better. I am a Nurse have a brilliant job/ career and just focus on as much good as possible/ family/ friends. I am well aware we are all different, I had a horrible diagnosis/ results etc that got worse as we went on, but through it now and 2 years on starting to feel like me again. Wish everyone the best as always.

Xx

So sorry to hear this Missy, sending hugs and hoping things start to look brighter soon Xx

This may be of interest too below. There was another thread a while back - some made you laugh, some made your jaw drop.i empathise totally with your post. I think that unless you have been in a similar situation others just don't get it but people can be funny! 

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/chat-breast-cancer/f/questions-about-diagnosis-and-treatment/222074/starting-to-avoid-people-because-of-the-silly-things-they-say?pifragment-13906=1#pifragment-13906=3

Keep going.....one day at a time x

Best response I had from an elderly neighbour was “how long have you got?” !!! How we larfed….!!

My favourite response is from my autistic 10 yr old grandson, " I'm sorry you've got cancer, I love you and I hope you don't die".

If only everyone could be this straight forward!

This was one of the reasons I didn't and still don't want to tell me dear mum.... this and along with 'how are, are you okay' .... maybe every hour, plus I know there would be tears from mum all the time