HI! I ve not posted on here for a while , but I visit frequently and all the chat helpful .
I’m 2 years post diagnosis , am now cancer free and doing great :) so firstly for everyone out there , its a bit hairy to begin with , but its all worth it , you’ll get there and life is good!
What I am finding a bit disconcerting now is , as I come up to my annual check , I find myself getting anxious , which I know is very normal , and I think as I have now had over year of being back to normal and cancer free , and have had time to process exactly what happened , as now life has now returned to a fantastic normal , the enormity of the other possible outcome has made me realise I am not infallible, and I find myself thinking a lot about how my family will cope when I die …..I’m a nurse and my rational head tells me that this is daft , as I m well , and could well live to ripe old age , but my irrational head thinks every ache and pain could be mets.
I’m still waiting for my reconstruction on my right and reduction on my left boob as all non urgent ops remain cancelled , quite rightly so too because of the impact of Covid, but this just seems to be preventing me from drawing a line under the whole cancer thing and moving on properly . My original surgeon has left and I saw a different consultant 6 months ago , which is ashamed as, my original consultant and I had discussed a plan. I I will be seeing my BCN in the next month or 2 at my review , but often I go into nurse mode , am fully aware of the stresses on staff the wards and and say everything is fine , I understand the reasoning for non urgent ops to be cancelled and don’t want to seem selfish by stating that although non urgent , this surgery was going to be carried out about 18 months ago , and feels like it is part of my cancer recovery.
So many conflicting emotions ….. , happiness and relief at being cancer free , doubt and worry about the cancer returning , anticipation and frustration about delay in surgery , continual undercurrents of worry about my family and cancer returning and guilt about not just being grateful that I am well and getting on with life.
