update

Hi Joanofarc

What a fabulous positive post! Thank you - you have just brought a big smile to my face and I was desperately in need of that after a few very 'down' and negative days.

Sorry to hear that you have to have further ultrasounds and potentially biopsies and hope that all goes well. Further waiting for you and we all know that is agonising but if you keep up that positive attitude it will certainly help.

Nothing wrong with a dark sense of humour. At my diagnosis meeting I mentioned to my BCN that my passport would expire in November and lightheartedly asked whether she thought that it would be worth my while renewing it!  I think this approach threw her a bit at first!! 

And I love the description of being slapped in the face with a wet sock - that just about sums up perfectly how it feels when we realise what we are actually dealing with. Still trying to get used to how the whole nightmare creeps up from behind and knocks us for six some days. It definitely knocked me down completely for the last few days but hopefully I may be on the up again. 

Good luck with your further tests and your treatment and keep these posts coming please. 

Hi girls

It was good to hear you both express what I don't seem able to. I'm very good at acting the fool and deflecting. I had a long chat with my sister last night who is a breast cancer survivor of over 20 years having been diagnosed at 29.  She asked me why I was afraid to say how I really felt and my only answer was that I didn't want to worry anyone. I feel like I need to provide reassurance that I'm 'fine'. When inside I know that people don't have breast surgeons, breast care nurses and eventually an oncologist because they are fine. 

I'm scheduled for my second surgery on Thursday when they will go in to take away a safe margin. My lumpectomy  was 6 weeks ago and what they expected to be a papilloma ended up being DCIS. Hopefully they will get this first time round as he tells me they will repeat this surgery until they are happy they have clear margins. 

When I read how much others are going through i feel a bit of a fraud and then as you said it just sneaks up and smacks you in the mush.

Thanks again. Debs

Good morning 

You must never feel yourself to be a fraud.....all treatments  are different but the cause of the treatment.....the cancer . ...is the same. A disease which will probably kill you if left untreated. With that comes the same degree of fear and anxiety whether it's a small early tumour that can be removed easily or something more complicated that involves follow up treatments to which you may not respond well. In your own case, going back to theatre get better margins is certainly not a situation that warrents you feeling ' a fraud!'

I hope all goes well on Thursday. I'm not sure what happens next with DCIS but whatever it is, the good thing will be that your cancer should be gone. You have your sister as an example of how sucessful treatment can be and whilst you are allowed the ' down ' days we all feel, you do have every reason to believe in a positive outcome and future without ever feeling guilty that your treatment didn't  to you, appear to be as severe as others. We are all equal.....this a battle we fight together!

Cyber hugs....

Karen

Hi Debs

You definitely are not a fraud. We are all dealing with different variants of this cruel disease and have different treatments to get through but fundamentally we are all dealing with a cancer diagnosis.

Not wanting to worry anyone and saying ‘I’m fine’ is perfectly a natural reaction and is definitely what I do all the time - and I am sure I will continue to do so. I know that if my family are upset and even more worried than they already are, then that will make me feel even worse. And I have stressed to my adult children from the beginning that the best thing they can do for me is to carry on with their lives as normal.
That is the value of this forum - everyone ‘gets it’ and we can express our real feelings and fears without worry. Other than posting on here the only people I have spoken to about my state of mind are my BCN & my consultant. And for the first time yesterday I did reply to a friend’s message by saying I was ‘p*****’ off with the whole thing’ However this wasn’t a close friend - I have actually told very few people other than close family, only telling friends who would have noticed that I wasn’t at regular activities and questioned where I was. And I intend to continue in this way as much as I can - or until I feel that I really must tell people. Not everyone will agree with this but it suits me. 
Joanofarc - sorry for hijacking your great post at length. But I get the feeling that you would understand. 
And Debs36 good luck with your surgery on Thursday. I have 2nd op for margin on Saturday. 

Thank you. I also loved Joanofarc's post. X

hi Debs you are certainley not a fraud, were all on the same dodgy rollercoaster the old ones that squeak and groan and remind you of the film final destination, unfortunately we get to ride this for free, with all round passes for as many rides as i takes, i think a lot of us are good at covering up, my special friend lol i call him that, says im the queen of deflection that they should have used me in the 'cold war' when the soviets were trying to infilltrate other countrys, its our way of coping with a life changing situation literally, so if thats what helps you go with it, i come out with some right statements at times, and think right not 'take your foot out of your mouth'. Your allowed to feel what you feel. Hope your surgery goes ok, and like i say , my ears are always open, and i tend to try and check things on here more oftern now. hats of to your sister that must have been horendous for her at so young a age. look after you, do what makes you feel ok, dont worry about anyone else. xxxx

Hi PatsyP2, thank you so much i will keep posting i try now to get on more regular, thats why i call mine the ninja because that what it did and does sneaks up on you, ive recently had to have my Mirena coil out also, so the hormones are really all over the place, like being on a dodgy rollercoaster, so i know how you feel with the down days, if im not workiing i tend to look like Cruella De Vil, much to the amusements of the amazon delivery person that frequents my door just of late, i have developed a unhealthy habit of spending time on Amazon, so when i answer the door he must think hes called out the adams family, i greet him with a grunt, and he just smiles theres your parcel love. ha ha somedays i wake up and it's like nothing has changed this doesnt exist, and it was all a bad dream, and then Boom it hits like the ninja right between the eyes with the wet sock........... i love the part about the passport that is awesome, and you know what that is what keeps our light shining in this dark void that we are in, good on you. Keep smiling and keep the humour, when things are tough reach out even if its on here ive always got a ear and broad shoulders, and will try and help as much as i can. one more thing never thought id be asking my son to buy me surgical /sports bras for my birthday ha ha ha and i even got excited about it ha ha , he said hed throw in a fluffy pair of socks too, i said make them wet ones. ha ha ha, keep your chin up ...xxxxx

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Surgery went ok yesterday with what the consultant calling a 'shave' to get a good margin to what the observing nurse described as a sizable chunk of tissue. The consultant hoped to get good margins in one go so I don't have to go in again. He said if there were stray cells in the results he said there would have to a further conversation. My original lump was 2.5mm.

Surfice to say after the last 24 hours and the recovery instructions I am no longer feeling a fraud. I feel like I've taken on a battle and I need to be kinder to myself. 

Its good to be on here to read others stories reminds me I'm not alone.

Thanks again 

Debs xx

Hi Debs. Glad that you got through your surgery ok and best wishes for a good recovery. Sounds as though you are feeling a bit battered after it all - do take time to rest to help your healing.

I am next up tomorrow for my margins and was hoping that only a further small amount would be taken. Do you mind me asking what the clear margin was from your original op? You do seem to have been through the wars for such a very tiny original lump, so I can understand the huge emotional shock. Hope your results come through quickly.

I am hoping that my recovery will be much quicker than from the first op - at least that is what I have been led to believe. Fingers crossed!

Hi joanofarc. Thanks for yet another uplifting message. You are right - we have to find some humour to get us through all this. Think I inherited this from my mother who was a very blunt northerner who always had a witty comment whatever the situation - I think that was one of the ways she got through the difficulties she went through in her life.

How I identify with the Cruella De Vil comment. A hair brush deserts me on most days at home, never mind make-up!! I have even ventured to the supermarket without make-up - something I would have never have dreamed of doing previously.

My mood is on the up at the moment, helped by a telephone call from my consultant yesterday which helped to ease my worries about the delays in getting to the next stage of treatment. I have further surgery for a clear margin tomorrow and whilst the surgery doesn't bother me too much the delay with the wait for surgery and then the results does worry me big time. But nothing that I can do and I can only trust my consultant when he says that he has no concerns whatsoever that the timescales will cause any problems. There are no guarantees for any of us but we have to trust in their knowledge and experience - and try to keep a positive attitude as much as we can.

We have brilliant sunshine here today and that is also helping my mood. Although I did feel like doing a Forrest Gump when out on my dog walk earlier - the temptation to just 'walk and walk' (running and running would not be an option!!) and disappear from my current situation was great!!

Good luck with your MRI etc next week - and happy birthday!