Telling children

Hi and welcome to this friendly, helpful and usefully informative group [if you're new, didn't recognise your name]. personally I agree with you. Is there eg a grandparent or family friend who could mediate? At 14 and 11 [having worked 16 years in a secondary school learning support dept myself] I'm sure that your two will soon sniff out their mother's concealment. They're not stupid. Maybe someone from the school/s, who you are entitled to inform, could coax her into a change of heart by gently pointing this out to her. Fear generated by concealment and ignorance will do more damage than honesty imho. 

Hope that may help, 

Denby

Thanks, Denby. That’s really helpful. My concern is that all of the ‘adults’ in our families know and it’s not unreasonable to expect the kids’ cousins to overhear things and jump on their mobiles. To me it’s a timebomb that I need to diffuse.  I’ll find a family neutral…

Hi Bryan,Welcome to the group.I hope you find it helpful.Best wishes Jane

Welcome to the group, hope your treatment goes well. You say that the children's mother is reluctant & putting off talking - do you have any opportunity to talk to your children by yourself? It will probably come much better from you anyway, to be able to answer any questions they have, reassure them that you have (at the moment) a curable cancer & you are being treated.  Definitely encourage them to be involved, as much as they wish to be, without making too big a deal out of it. Hopefully you will soon be able to spend time with them doing fun activities to show them that life can go on well, after the separation & with a cancer diagnosis - bit of a double whammy for them. 

Thank you.

Thanks, Teasswill. I agree that it’s all a bit much for all of us. The kids are already in counselling because of the pending (amicable at the moment) divorce, with varying degrees of denial and anger. Double whammy indeed!  The kids are with me this weekend so I’ll plan to say something low-key. They can see that I’m well so I’ll play on that. Very positive. Thank you.

Hi Bryan. My kids were grown up when I was first diagnosed and we kept them in the loop all along. We did have grandchildren of varying ages. We found it better to let the grandchildren know in bite size chunks. A basic introduction of I was not well and gave them further information along the way. No need to mention the C word straight away. Treatment is a long process and you can give more information as time goes by. The youngsters turned out to be really supportive and understanding. I hope it goes well or you. Best wishes.

Thank you, rily. 

Hello there from the kidney cancer group!  My kids are a bit older, 17 and 20.  We told them I had cancer (diagnosed 24 Nov 2021) and was receiving immunotherapy 2 weeks ago.  We said they could ask anything at any time.  They both asked  "Did they notice it early" <no> "will your hair fall out" <no>.   Youngest told a friend last week and friend's response was "you can talk to me any time about it".    

I totally support your approach as the above illustrates!  Kids can cope with far more than we frequently give them credit for.  However, I recognise the potential conflict with parents having a different view and the potential harm it can cause.  I don't have any answers on that one, I'm afraid.    

Wishing you all the best. Claire xx

Hi Bryan.

We were in a similar situation to you , albeit not separated, and the children a similar age.

I completely understand your wife’s fear about wanting to protect the children - it’s parental instinct. We held off telling ours for a few months as we were worried about the affect on them, but after getting some advice from Maggies and reading the Macmillan literature, we told them. We were honest but kept it fact based. Dad’s in good hands, the doctors are going to treat it, these are the next steps etc. It turns out that one of the children had guessed something was wrong so it was the best thing we could have done. Otherwise children will fear the worse as they are wondering why you are keeping information from them. It is also really important for trust and not telling them can  (as another poster said) do more harm than good, and even affect trust in relationships later on. Even now they ask us whether we are keeping something from them every time their dad goes to the doctors. They will need time to digest the information, but let them know they can ask questions any time.  Please do tell them, but try and discuss with your wife the approach you are going to take. Telling them together would be best, if at all possible. Get advice from Macmillan or Maggies if you need help with this. Best of luck.