Hi everyone,
First let me apologize for such a long post, and also if it's TMI.
On 23rd May we were told my wonderful husband has advanced and aggressive bladder cancer, which can't be cured, but can be treated, there will be no further surgeries. 
Since then my husband has had a second nephrostomy, he now has one for each kidney, because his kidney function was going down fast. He is on long term antibiotics as his infection markers are always high, and has moved on to oramorph for the pain.
As well as all that, on Friday he finished a 5 day course of radiotherapy to a vertebrae in his lower back to help with the pain, and will hopefully start immunotherapy on 11th July.
It's all happening so fast and I'm struggling. My husband seems frail, a complete contrast to his normal healthy self. He can't walk more than a few steps due to pain, and swelling in his feet ankles and right thigh. All I have been able to do for him is take responsibility for his meds, recording them and giving them when they're due. I also spend my days nagging him to eat and drink, he has very little appetite and doesn't enjoy anything he used to, so getting the calories and the 2.5 ltrs of fluid we've been told he needs down him each day is a real battle, that I often lose.
Every letter we get tells us it's in even more organs and I feel like the future is hopeless. I'm frightened that he isn't strong enough for the immunotherapy but even more frightened of the prognosis if he doesn't try, and he wants to try. We don't have timescales, no-one wants to be drawn on that, but I don't think either of us really wants to know anyway.
I feel like I need to get back to work, for some semblance of normality but also need to be available for my husband whenever he needs me. My concentration isn't great as I find myself worrying about my lovely hubby whenever I try to concentrate on something else, and appointments pop up out of the blue and can change daily so I never know when I'd actually be available to work anyway, so I'm off sick with the stress of it all.
Then there's the guilt. How can I even think of finding some form of normality when this IS my darling hubby's normal now?! How can my fears and feelings even come close to what he is feeling?! He won't talk to me, or anyone else, about how he's feeling. His eyes occasionally fill with tears when he reads a message or speaks to someone, but he won't give in to it, and that also worries me. The most I can get from him is when I occasionally do break down and tell him I'm scared, then he tells me he is too.
I don't know what I'm asking for with this post, maybe just to get it all out, and I hope I haven't over shared too much. If I have I'm so sorry. 
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Thank you
Neat
