Anal sex after anal cancer therapy

Hi Sammy1973,

My name is Matthew, and I work as part of the Online Community Team. We're the team who work on supporting our Online Community to make sure it stays safe and working well. Thanks very much for sharing your experience with the Community, and for asking your question. I'm sure other members will be along to engage with your post soon.

I just wanted to let you know that I have moved this post from the Bowel cancer forum, over to the Anal cancer forum. This should enable it to be seen by members of the Community with the relevant cancer experience.

If you'd like some input from one of our Macmillan Cancer Information Nurse Specialists, you might also like to consider posting your question over in our Ask a Nurse forum.

If you'd prefer asking your question over the phone, you can talk to our nurse team using the Macmillan Support Line on freephone 0808 808 00 00. The Support Line is open from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week. Just select the option to speak to one of our Cancer Information Nurse Specialists, and you will be connected as soon as the next one is available. You can also reach them by email or live webchat.

Hi Sammy,

First off, please don't feel bad for asking questions. What's the point of a forum if we can't ask the questions that are most important to us?

I don't know the answer to your question, but I can make some guesses based on responses to me when I was going through and recovering from treatment.

I'm an older, straight, married, monogamous woman who's had the same partner for over 40 years. But prior to him, I had a 'past.'

Obviously I was worried about Sex After Anal Cancer and asked my doctors. Almost to a person they addressed anal sex, which has no part in my personal Fun 'n' Games, and tossed off vaginal sex as if it were simply a given that all would be well in that department. It was almost funny watching them talk around it. But the professional advice all boiled down to the same thing, no matter the ...er....... target.

If it doesn't hurt, go for it.

Stenosis and compromised skin are all issues, and of course the underlying threat of HPV. So being proactive and safe and considerate is where to start.The same tests and sensible safety measures all apply, but assuming that all of that is in play, my assumption is that all is well.

On a more personal note, I hope you'll forgive an unasked-for observation from an old straight woman, and that's that you don't 'get married to a girl and become straight' because that is almost always a recipe for disaster for everyone. Trying to make yourself straight won't be any safer. Most of the folks in this forum are straight women. 

Just be a safe, happy, healthy Sammy.

Hugs

Suz

Hi Matthew 

I wrote those lines last not as I couldn’t sleep and  read beck. I really appreciated you guidance and in very kind and professional way. 

I was living under pression all my life as black Muslim gay man plus my very outgoing and easy going personality had made things even more harder and difficult  as it multiply ten times the pressure . Everyone want me to get married or ask why am not as am good Muslim black man . Lol

With anal cancer news ou was more devastated with shame and guilt . I gel so lost and lonely in middle big vibrant community.. I refused the treatment twice till I got very on pain . 

Been  living with HIV over 30 years I overcame, stigma , rejection , f depression and mostly illness but all my friend and family were supportive but with the anal cancer again it was impossible to share that with anyone . 

I did it alone and took in like man then left to Morroco 3 month just got back stronger and healthier . The first result were brilliant as no sign of cancer left . 

I am on top of my health and I should be grateful thankful to God . I should not been worried about sex as it is a small part of life . 

The only reason and worry is that I got trigger which makes me feel less man as not married sorry I do things insensibly as punishment . 

Sorry for  being miserable and selfish taming about irrelevant letters while some people are dealing with serious issues . 

Love 

Sammy 

Hi Suz 

Firstly  you are soldier and survivor but mostly cool and open minded . I really appreciate you time and length of your message which I find cool and funny .. kisses . Smile 

I have the most extreme limits opposite land I could easily say the most weird or strange or complicated private life . I am mentally straight man but physically gay as manpol.  

am gay fir sure as I don’t sleep with woman but was is strange is that I do go for man as well for love or relationship. I just do anal sex as passive ti punish myself as I feel al not là enough . 

When I had the bad news I was more concern the stigma so felt shameful but mostly blaming myself. 

The pain and the scary night alone have made think that I would never go back to what has put on this awful situation. . Which I still believe 

But as human , and I as I know myself how easily I can triggered I needed to open up to strangers who not only won’t judge me but also could give me personal piece of advice which is what you have just done . 

I couldn’t be much relieve happier as I feel am not alone and no need to be ashamed or burdened with sigma . 

Many thanks 

Sammy1973 said:

Sorry for  being miserable and selfish taming about irrelevant letters while some people are dealing with serious issues . 

Hi Sammy1973,

Thanks again for opening up and sharing some of what you are feeling. I just want to reassure you that talking about your story is not 'irrelevant' at all, and it is not selfish to explain what you have been going through. Your life and your history help form the person you are, and it's great that you feel comfortable enough to talk about it.

I'm pleased to see that you have also posted your question over in our Ask a Nurse forum. It's always a good idea to get additional advice from a qualified medical professional, and I trust one of our Cancer Information Nurse Specialists will reply to your query soon.

I'm not sure if you've already seen it, but did you know we also have a forum group where people from the LGBTQIA+ community can discuss living with cancer?

• LGBTIQ+ forum

It can sometimes be helpful to connect with others who understand the unique ways that sexuality and identity interact with a cancer diagnosis. There's no pressure to post there, but I thought I'd mention it just in case you find it helpful.

Keep talking, and keep on being yourself, Sammy. And please do give our Support Line a call if you need any one-to-one support in a more private format. Macmillan is here for you!

Hi Sammy welcome to the group. I just wanted to add on top of the excellent responses you already have had is that never feel bad about opening up on here. We all want to be able to be honest and open and sometimes it might seem a bit graphic but it’s what’s happening and we have to talk about it. I am a straight woman struggling to have vaginal sex with my husband still even that I am nearly three years post treatment. I don’t feel discomfort until he starts to move inside me and I think that it’s due to the skin inside that is slightly thinner. I have been examined and they say the internal skin is really great so maybe it’s psychological. I have anal stenosis so would not know about anal sex if most people experience this plus the fact that treatment is usually directed in this specific area. Thinner stools tend to be a good sign of stenosis. I think if I was to give some advice it would be that if you are going to have intercourse is to be comfortable with a person who is gentle considerate and loving whom you can feel trust with. Our brains are a big part of feeling pain in my opinion and if you are stressed in the beginning our bodies react. I think they have counselling on this site whom you would benefit from talking to to help you figure out how you are feeling. As Suz pointed out, being with a lady would not be a wise thing to do as you would be hurting yourself and that person. I hope you are able to get the support you need and live a good life

Julie

Hello Sammy

I am late to the discussion, I couldn't log on this morning for some reason.

You have had some excellent advice here.  My heart goes out to you, I am well aware of how gay men are treated in some countries and it must have been very very hard for you.  But I would join in with what has already been said in that getting married to a girl is not the answer and may bring even more unhappiness on you - and her, not forgetting that she has no knowledge of your other life.

In a practical sense, I really don't know if anal sex would be possible; I don't practise anal sex but the treatment has left me with anal stenosis (narrowing of the back passage) and I have difficulty passing a stool, never mind anything else.  Also, the entire skin around is extremely fragile and I have been unable to have sex with my husband since the end of treatment, more than two years ago as the skin near my anus split.  So you may well experience pain and difficulties, but, as Suz says, you would need to try and see.

Please don't ever apologise for bringing up the subject here; after the experience of anal cancer and the treatment nothing is off-limits for discussion on here, and your experience is just as valid as anyone else's.

I hope you find some answers Sammy, and we are always here if you need to talk.

Big hug

Irene xx

Yes, I would agree with what Irene says, Sammy. I am a straight female and have been left with pretty severe stenosis of anus and vagina and sex is impossible now. I hope this is not the case for you but it may well take some time before you are able to try.