I’m glad I can write this here.
I want him to die. I want him to be dead. I want to get myself a life. I want to reconnect with everyone I lost as no one can abide him. It’s been almost a year now since his diagnosis/prognosis. I should have left before he was diagnosed. I’m trapped now. Today he told me I have wasted forty years with someone who despises and hates me, and if he didn’t need a nurse who he can shout and scream at and make them do what he wants, he would tell me to fuck off. But he can’t because I’m too useful. And he finds joy in my misery, and he’ll be laughing his head off once he’s gone - watching me trying to pick up the pieces of the financial mess he’s going to leave me in...
Hello DaisyD22
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this and anger seems a normal emotion in the circumstances. Cancer puts huge stresses and strains on us and the people around us and can amplify any existing feelings and emotions.
Are you getting enough support yourself? Would it help to talk things through? I can recommend the Support Line if you just want to speak to someone who understands. They may also be able to offer you some support in your local area. The number is below if you feel it may help.
I hope that it has helped to write down on here, how you are feeling. I know during my own cancer journey just writing things down would help get the feelings off my chest.
Macmillan are here if you need us.
Jane
Hello DaisyD22
I’m Steph, I’m part of the Community team here at Macmillan.
I hope you don’t mind me popping in here to offer you some further support. We were concerned when you mentioned the verbal abuse happening at home. We wanted to make sure that you’re safe and that you have further support in place.
Please do feel you can call 999 if you ever feel threatened and unsafe.
It sounds as though you have both been through a lot for some time. Supporting someone with cancer can have a major impact on your life. We often hear that at times, it can feel just as hard for you as the person with the diagnosis.
Of course, alongside the cancer, you have the unhappy relationship and verbal abuse to deal with. Whilst the cancer diagnosis might be contributing to your partner's behaviour, it’s never OK to abuse someone. It’s important that you look after your own well-being.
It can really help to talk openly about how you are coping so I am so glad you’ve found the Online Community and have reached out for some support on the site. How are you feeling now DaisyD22?
As Jane already mentioned, as well as the Online Community, the Macmillan Support Line is a safe place to talk through how you’re coping and access emotional support. We don’t want you to feel you have to cope with this on your own. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
There is further support and safe confidential spaces to get help and talk about how you’re coping. I am not sure of your gender, so I have listed a few options:
Victim Support – Support with domestic abuse
Refuge for women and children – domestic abuse support
Mankind – Helping men escape domestic abuse
There’s also an organisation called Relate who specialise in relationship support. To get advice and support, you can start a chat with them or find a local support centre.
In addition, your GP has a duty of care for your physical and emotional well-being and they will want to help you access the support you need just now.
I do hope the above information is helpful and reassures you that there is help available. There are lots of ways you can get help today so please do reach out for support.
I’d also encourage you to keep talking here, we’re here for as long as you need us.
Kind Regards
You are not alone and there is support for you during this challenging time. If there is something that would help then please do ask.
