I won't leave you

Hello BeefyMoo 

Wow, I am so sorry to read your post - with a cancer diagnosis you soon find out who your "friends" are. Like you I lost friends when I told people about my diagnosis, so it's not just you. 

I don't know if they thought they could catch my cancer or if they thought I would be asking for support - the strange thing is for me other friends stepped up and helped and then I found this Community which made an amazing difference. 

Have you thought about joining the "Buddy" service where Macmillan allocate you a telephone buddy to call you once a week for a chat - you can talk about cancer, football, the price of fish and chips - whatever is on your mind. Here's the link:

Macmillan Buddies

No one fights cancer alone - do you have a Maggie's near you? - this is a cancer support charity where you can just drop in for a brew and a chat - again, here's a link:

Maggie's

You have lots to be hopeful and positive about - we are all here for you. Stick with us we can help - you still have your family and other friends. 

It's time to move on. Life goes on, keep the faith. If I can do anything else for you just let me know, I am happy to help.

Best wishes - Brian

Hi Brian, thanks for your great post.

The only other friend I have is being very kind to me and keeps asking to see me. She lives a long way away and while we're only friends, we're very close. We've met up lots of times over the years too. My....."ex" as I guess I have to call her now has been cold from the day I was diagnosed. Or at least since things started to look more serious than we first thought. I don't know if maybe something else was going on in her life but I'll never know. Well the stupid ignorant side of me hopes she'll get back in touch and explain it all and beg to have me back, but the sensible side of me doesn't really believe it'll happen. 

I've sometimes tried to find local friends but it never happens. At least I could meet with people then if they were local. I only know people from the Internet, but I'm grateful for anything really as I've never been good at making friends. 

I do know about Maggie's, thank you, but the closest is a long way from me. It is a doable distance as a day trip just about once I'm well enough to travel anyway. So I shall look again soon. Currently I'm sick with something other than cancer but it's improving. Shame as I was improving physically for a short time until the Weekend.

There is a St Barnabas branch not far from me, which I could get to in a taxi, and I looked at their website again today. They do have something I could maybe get involved in. So that's 2 options possibly on the cards. I do find it so hard though meeting new people. St Barnabas have visited where I live several times and I should have made more effort to talk to them properly. I was a lot worse then though and not even out of bed, which is why they were kind enough to visit me at home. The visits were also more about sorting my pain out which was awful at the time. 

Thanks for the link to the Buddies service. Strangely I don't remember seeing that before, although to be honest I'd find it very awkward. I'm useless on the phone at the best of times. It's not impossible tho so after sending this I will look at the link and see what it says. I must come across as having an excuse for all the help offered, huh? I'm a shy and anxious person and anything to do with contacting people scares me lots I'm afraid. I'm improving though and all the hospital appointments I've had with so many people has helped with that. Sometimes I'll get on so well with a doctor or nurse that I wished I could be friends with them, but of course that's impossible and immoral and they're only doing their job by being kind and personable.

Yes you're right I do have...well one friend, plus a few family members who are great and I couldn't live without. It's so hard though to just forget the girl who just ended things. I'm only human and can't pretend she doesn't exist. I know I'm kidding myself to think she may want to try again, and maybe I'd be stupid to give it a go given the chance. There is lots to it though that I haven't mentioned and I'm trying hard to be understanding of her own problems.

Thanks again for writing and being so kind and offering to help.

Geoff.

Hello Geoff (BeefyMoo) 

it's a strange old world - we lose friends yet we have this new "bond" - cancer. It's a club we didn't want to join but we are in it and it brings with it a whole new world.

The Buddy service is great, I do know a couple of people who are telephone buddies and they enjoy conversation and build up a great friendship with their allocated buddies - give it a try - you have nothing to lose.

I am lucky with friends as I have lived in the same part of the same town for the last 48 years and call in the "local" for a few beers twice a week. I also work for myself in a client facing job so I meet plenty of folk that way too. I have also found this Community to be amazing as when I joined 3 years ago the people were so good with me I have chosen to stick around - although my cancer journey isn't over yet!!

Try not to stress too much about your ex - you need to consider is she really worth it leaving you when she did? We all have issues, perhaps she had her own and yours pushed her over the top. As you say you have a friend and your family so keep them close and cherish the time with them.

I am around the community most days so if you need a rant, help with anything or just a chat you can always drop me a line. life goes on - let's try and enjoy it.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi Brian,

I've done more researching since I wrote to you yesterday. Maybe I did come across the Buddies service before, I think I must have done, but anyway I had a good read all about it. It might be good for me but I'm so nervous to apply. What if things are awkward with whoever I'm paired with? I've had that happen elsewhere on a support call. I was on edge the whole time and I think they were too. It was awkward and I just wanted the call to end. With the Buddy service you said I have nothing to lose. I do though if I don't feel comfortable with them. I'd feel awkward, nervous, would dread the next call, etc.. These things are very hard for people like me.

I looked again at my local St Barnabas place, but on their website you just see photos of elderly people who are near the end. I'm not young but I'm not at that point, cancer or not. It reminded me of my last hospital inpatient visit a few weeks ago. I was thrown into a ward of men in their 90s who had dementia, could barely hear anything and weren't capable of conversation. It's not my first time in a similar ward too and that atmosphere does nothing to help people like me get better. I don't want to end up going to a group that feels like that. I just want to sit and talk and laugh with males and females of a mix of ages who are going through similar to me. I remember in hospital that last time that one time when someone was bringing tea and coffee around they asked if I wanted a beaker or a mug. A beaker? I'm only 56, I have all my faculties and am able to drink a mug of coffee. It felt like they'd assumed I was the same as the rest of the ward, and emotionally it really set me back.

Anyway back to me being in a group or applying for Buddy's. I still think I'll be better off in a group setting of similar people. In recent years I've become much more capable of dealing with social situations face to face than I used to be. I'm more self confident with how I look for some reason and I feel that people accept me more. I'm just as nervous on the phone though as I've always been.

It sounds like you don't have the same issues I have when it comes to mixing with people. I'd never walk into a pub on my own or do a job always meeting strangers. Having said that, I am more comfortable with certain things and will do stuff on my own that I never used to do. There's a restaurant in a garden centre near me that I used to always go to with my ex, as she is now. I'd never go to a place like that alone but I have done several times recently. Of course I'm now put off going there as it's a reminder of my ex, but that's another story. I still can't believe what she's putting me through and I've heard nothing from her at all. I wish she'd at least tell me where to go and tell me what it is I've done to hurt her, but there doesn't seem to be any hope of that. It was less than a week ago she was reassuring me about seeing me soon, that she's still wants and loves me and isn't going anywhere, etc.. I write a few lines she doesn't like and she completely ends it? Not that she's said it's over but her actions have made it very clear. 

I do consider if my ex is worth it after what she's done, but I'm only human and can't just forget her. She's such a sweet loving person and had proved that before, not just with me but in other areas of her life. There has to be something very wrong that's made her react this way. So I'm trying to keep an open mind and consider that something else has caused it and it's not just about me. I know I'm being too nice and understanding but that's just me. I don't enjoy stressing like I am one bit, it's completely wrecking every day, but I can't forget her just like that. I don't know how long I'll think this way for though. At some point I'm going to have to make a decision to completely cut off from her. I'm just not ready for that yet. I'm still clinging onto a tiny bit of hope that maybe she'll contact me soon and want to talk about it. I know that nobody approves of me hanging on like this. My only other friend I mentioned before isn't happy about it and neither are some in my family. I'm not telling them everything though because I still respect her privacy and won't go telling anyone details of what maybe happening with her privately. 

Buddies........Maybe! Once I hit that apply button, it'll be much harder to chicken out. Then it's only once a fortnight so that's a long time to wait for another call if things go well. I dunno.

Take care Brian,

Geoff.

Hello Geoff (BeefyMoo) 

I understand your feelings regarding the Buddy service, but it costs nothing to give it a try - if it's not for you then it's not for you - I get that.

Here's a link that might help - finding cancer services/groups in your local area:

Support in your local area.

You never know there may be a meeting/group just around the corner you didn't know was there. there is another group you may fancy and that's "Andy's man club". Again here's the link for you:

Andy''s Man Club

Although it was originally set up as a suicide support club - it's also a meeting place for men. And on the same subject - how about:

Men's Sheds.

I know the last two are for blokes but I am sure there will be some ladies about too.

Life is far too short and with all the issues you have/have had and with your girlfriend walking out (probably not your fault) perhaps it time to turn the page over and start again. At the end of the day you need to look after yourself.

Best wishes - Brian.