What to expect and how to help in laws and husband

Selene 1 day ago

1 reply
9 subscribers
23 views

Hi everyone,

I am feeling completely lost and powerless in how best to support my partner and his mum and I suppose I just dont know what to expect.

My father in law has just been told he has stage 4 cancer - its basically everywhere including liver, bones and stomach. He survived throat cancer 4 years ago but this time he has been told its terminal. Best case scenario is up to a year if he gets well enough to have a bit of chemo, worse case scenario weeks. He is so very ill, unable to eat really and just so tired. He has been given steroids, anti nausea, morphine and diazepam to see if that helps. I think the aim is his appetite increases so he is strong enough to have some chemo. He is so very thin and weak at the moment.

We live 4 hours away and my mother in law said she doesn't want us to go up yet as she'll need us soon. I just feel powerless and want to support but dont know the best way too. My husband is just so low (understandably) and feels in a kind of limbo of grief - not knowing what to expect.

My mother in law suffers from bad health too and has fairly significant mental health issues and when my fil was going through cancer treatment last time she said if he didn't survive she would kill herself so I am worried sick she is planning this when he passes.

To add to all this we just lost my mum in November so we are still grieving her. I just want to be able to help everyone but dont know how to. I also want to manage my own expectations as I can't help but have this 'maybe he will be ok' even though i realise its unlikely - its like until I get definitively told there's going to be no chemo etc I think there may still be more time.

I am sorry if this is all a bit rambled - thank you for any advice and I appreciate you reading this.

Sending best wishes to everyone

Malengwa 13 hours ago

Hi selene

Dont ever feel you are rambling, its how the thoughts all come out when you are in this position and writing them down can help.

This is such a tough and exhausting jouney and a path many of us have been. Its particularly hard when you are far away. For context, my husband died in October, and had cancer that had spread to multiple organs like lungs liver kidneys.

You are also griving your own mum, so do take time to look after you, easier said than done I know.

Is your father in law under a hospice at all, sometimes they can help you more with a time line. Is your mother in law managing the care on her own or does she need and have support?

Is your father in law able to make decisions? He may feel he doesnt want any more treatment, which could of course make him worse.

We we were told that with my husbands cancer which was very aggressive , he could go down hill very quickky, and he did. It may be worth you just making that trip up to see him. It may help your husband to see his dad whilst he can because, well, you just never know the pathway of this awful disease. I travel 4-5 hours once a month to see my dad, because I just know he could go at any time.

If its really not possible, can you do some video calls,? Actually seeing him and him seeing you helps you to see how he is and also helps him to know how loved he is. Anticipatory grief is exhausting. Knowing you are going to lose them but not knowing when or how. Wanting to make the most of time with them but not wanting to see them suffer, feeling so helpless that you cant do more and dont have answers.

I had to virtually beg my husbands daughter to come and see him, she thought he had plenty of time, ( well months rather than weeks), and he didnt. I was just happy for him that he got to see her and great grandaughter just 3 weeks before he died. It meant so much to him.

I wish you well on this terrible jouney that feels like an out of control rollercoaster you cant get off. If talking here helps, do just keep voicing those thoughts.

Hugs x

More from this forum

What to expect and how to help in laws and husband